‘I was ignorant … until it was me in the trenches’: Christmas as a single mum

Tantrums, sleepless nights, endless mess … Christmas is stressful for many of us, but for newly single mothers it can be almost overwhelming – just ask Elizabeth Henson.

As I bemusedly gaze at our Christmas tree, I am reminded why – at this point in time – we can’t have nice things.

The unfortunate-looking (plastic) evergreen is standing in the corner of our living room, with baubles aplenty on its top-half and a glaringly-obvious bald patch towards the bottom.

That’s right. I have a toddler.

This Christmas will be my daughter’s second, but the first she has been able to collect and destroy baubles; and the first she will be spending the festive morning at her father’s house.

As a single parent, this is the new reality – my daughter’s time on special occasions, such as birthdays, Easter and of course Christmas, split between two parents.

It’s one of the many “new normals” parents are faced with when they separate, as I have learnt.

When I was asked to reflect upon being a single mother, this is what came to mind, as did just how ignorant I was to how much is involved in single parenting – until it was me in the trenches.

Look, I never said it was the Rockefeller Centre Christmas Tree.

It's not all hard work. Sometimes you get to lay on the couch. Picture: Supplied

BECOMING A MUM AND THEN NINE WEEKS LATER A SINGLE MUM

My journey to motherhood, like many people, was not without its challenges. In the year prior to falling pregnant with my daughter, I had undergone four terrible rounds of IVF (my eggs were apparently so bad that the fertility clinic refused to do any more rounds with me unless I used a donor egg); my wonderful mother passed away; I fell pregnant naturally only to lose the baby, and my left fallopian tube, due to it being an ectopic pregnancy; and then two months later, I fell pregnant with my daughter.

Her father and I separated nine weeks after she was born, so my first foray into single parenting was one hell of a baptism of fire.

It was a time when my daughter and I both had no idea what we were doing (this hasn’t changed for either of us); we were both emotional (me, courtesy of pesky hormones; her, because … baby); and of course neither of us could control our bladders (onya childbirth).

But despite the challenges, it was, and continues to be, a magical time of both extraordinary love, immense pride, and a lot of Googling.

Parenting sometimes means pretending you’ve got it together. Picture: Supplied

IGNORANCE IS BLISS, UNTIL IT’S YOU IN THE HOT SEAT

I am ashamed to admit that I was one of those people who ignorantly thought “it can’t be that hard to look after a baby when you’re on maternity leave – it’s not like you have to work. And surely you can just nap when the baby naps”.

I have since learnt this is most definitely not the case. I’m sure I am not imparting any huge revelation but wow, parenting a baby is definitely not a holiday under any circumstance is it? But especially when you’re a single mum or dad.

As a single parent, and primary carer, of a baby, you are on duty 24 hours a day, seven days a week (bar when your child spends time with the other parent). Virtually, every bottle. Every feed. Every nap. Every unsettled night. Every nappy change. Every bath time. Every play time. Every cry. Every illness. Every bout of teething. Every sleep regression. You’re on.

And between all that, you’ve got to wash and sterilise bottles, do laundry; maybe have a shower yourself; perhaps have a bite to eat if you’re lucky; do the shopping; and take your baby/toddler to appointments, playgroups and playgrounds; clean up after meals; and tidy the house. (I can’t tell you how many bits of cheese resembling Shrinkies I’ve found hidden in and under furniture.)

And this is all while on very limited sleep and often with a little one demanding your attention or being held in one arm. In addition to all of this, you’re quietly stressing out about whether she is eating enough; whether she has pooed today; is that a runny nose I see?

There are no sleep-ins and no guarantees that just because you only got three hours of sleep the night before that tonight will be any better.

There’s no delegation of duties when you’re a single parent, even when you’re sick yourself (I do not recommend getting food poisoning while trying to look after a crawling baby who wont stay near the bathroom).

I have never experienced the levels of mental and physical exhaustion I have as a single parent, where at times you literally feel like you cannot possibly keep your head (shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes) in an upright position any longer. But you trudge on, sometimes unshowered and in the same clothes as yesterday, because you want to do your best for your child.

Thank God for coffee I say. All of this is by no means a complaint. It is simply the reality of single parenting, especially in the very early days with such a young baby.

VERY LITTLE MAKES SENSE AND THE INDOCTRINATION INTO KID’S MUSIC

It’s fair to say, as a first-time mum, and a single one at that, I had ­– and continue to have – no idea what I’m doing.

Things just don’t make sense in Baby World do they?

What do you mean an overtired child will not be able to get to sleep or stay asleep? If the problem is being tired, the solution is sleep. Makes sense to me. Apparently if babies get overtired it triggers a stress response and they release cortisol, which makes it even harder for them to settle. That’s got to be some kind of design flaw right? Up there with painful childbirth, and baby wipe packaging that makes 5684 wipes come out each time you just need one or two?

I’ve also learnt to not get too comfortable or confident with routines, ‘habits’ and preferences. What works one week, might not work another week. One week, strawberries are the fave; the next week they’re being hurled across the room. Another week, we like sitting in our high chair; the next minute, we’re screaming like a banshee. Just like that pirate song says, “we’re going this way, that way, forwards, backwards, up and down, up and down …” You get the gist …

Speaking of musical things, now that my daughter is old enough for a bit of screentime (wooooooooo, screentime!) we’ve been thrust into to a world of unbelievably smiley people and lively earworms, some of which are quite frankly confusing and/or concerning. I’m worried about the weasel’s wellbeing after he apparently goes “pop,” and I have my doubts that ‘Bear’ is so quickly asleep after everybody claps, sings and turns around gleefully yelling “yippie”.

Mind you, at first I thought “what fresh hell is this?” when we first started watching sing-a-long shows, but the next thing I know I’m getting into the beat and now I’m like the 97th member of the bloody Wiggles (didn’t there just used to be four of them?).

And kids books. Sure, there’s so many that have really lovely and educational stories but then there’s some that just raise some questions; Like what are Grug and Snoot doing in the “Grug Meets Snoot” book?

But I digress. It’s a whole new world out there when you have a kid.

THE EXTRA STUFF YOU HAVE TO DO WHEN YOU’RE A SINGLE PARENT

On top of everything, as a single mother, you’ve also got to sort out a parenting arrangement with the other parent. It’s a daunting task to have to organise a rigid schedule for a situation that is constantly evolving. While doing this for an older child, whose routine is more predictable, may still be challenging, there is an extra layer of difficulty when trying to do it for a baby. I don’t know what my daughter’s going to do, or be like, next week, let alone next year or in years to come. But we can only do what we can do and hope for the best in this situation. Like every parent, I do worry for her future. She will likely live between two houses and I worry about how this may affect her. As a single parent, I also get concerned about (possibly silly) things like “what happens if I fall over and knock myself out at home? No one would (immediately) know and who knows how long she would be on her own for…”.

P.S. I’ve never actually knocked myself out (touch wood) but this kind of thing does cross my mind now that there’s a tiny person who relies on me.

THE REWARDS ARE ENDLESS

As clichéd as it is, I could not imagine my life without my daughter. There are not enough words to describe how much I love her, nor how much I wish she’d sleep through the night more often. Seeing her little face light up when she learns something new, successfully finishes a task or sees me come into her room when she wakes up in the morning is just the best. And while I currently have torn a tendon in my left elbow from constantly picking her up and carrying her, it is worth it.

Does anyone know how to get pasta sauce out of clothes? Asking for a friend. Picture: Supplied

She has changed my life in other ways as well. I surely must have been on the verge of scurvy for the past 20 years but now we have lots of colourful fruits and vegetables in the fridge.

She also helps me stay grounded with her somewhat brutal but arguably fair feedback, such as when she sometimes puts her hand over my mouth when I sing, and when she occasionally places my shoes in the bin.

I must also say that I am so grateful to have wonderfully supportive family and friends, who have helped me along the way, particularly during some very trying times. Special shout-out to my dad – Pa – for all his guidance and help. I’m also sure my mum is looking down on us and smiling as well. I often imagine what it would have been like to have her visit our home and spend time with my daughter. She would have absolutely adored her granddaughter, and as a childcare worker for about 30 years, she would have been an endless source of wisdom.

HELP

I definitely have a new appreciation for single mums and dads because it is a hard (but extremely rewarding) task keeping a little person alive and thriving. And just like I didn’t understand exactly how much is involved in single parenting before I experienced it myself, I don’t think it is possible for anyone to truly ‘get it’ until you’ve done it yourself.

Anyway, I can hear my little housemate waking up from her nap right now so I’d better stop waffling on and go tend to her. But before I go, does anyone have any tips on how to get a toddler to stop throwing food on the floor?