My friend has a 9yo foster daughter, but I won’t let her hang out with my kids

“Someone needs to tell her that she can’t have other kids over if that’s how her kid behaves,” Stephanie said. 

A woman has copped flack online for refusing to let her children hang out with a friend’s foster daughter because she needed “special treatment”. 

Recently, Stephanie* took her children, including her two sons, aged 12 and 10 and her seven-year-old daughter to her friend’s home for a playdate. 

Her friend, Kaylee*, has a nine-year-old foster daughter who has a bit of trouble communicating and connecting with other children; organising a playdate was the perfect opportunity for the little girl to hang out with kids her own age. 

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Kaylee was excited to have kids playing with her foster daughter. Picture: iStock

"The girl picked up the boxes and took them to her room"

Taking to Reddit, Stephanie explained that Kaylee is “homeschooling the girl because she gets overwhelmed around big groups of people and because she goes to other programs and services during the day”.

Kaylee wanted to make sure her foster daughter “could get used to being around other kids”, something that would probably take a bit of time; a bit of patience and kindness certainly wouldn’t hurt anyone. 

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The moment Stephanie took her three kids to Kaylee’s house, her smile faded away. 

“[Kaylee] tried, but the place wasn’t set up very well for the kids,” she said. “She had a little marble run set, Magna-Tiles, board games, and colouring set up in the living room for the kids.”

The moment Kaylee’s 9yo noticed the toys set up for play, she asked if they were hers to keep; her mother explained she had purchased “new ones for them to share with the other kids”. 

Then the 9yo turned her attention to the selection of board games that were set up nearby. Once she learned the board games belonged to her and Kaylee, “the girl picked up the boxes and took them to her room”.

“My friend wasn’t able to talk her into sharing them and refused to tell her they were for everybody,” Stephanie continued. 

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Stephanie watched as her kids played with the toys her friend set up for the playdate, but she soon started complaining about the selection available. “The toys were also set up for younger kids, so the boys started to get bored,” she grumbled. 

Instead of getting the kids to play another way or do something creative, she requested Kaylee switch on the TV. “She told me that she can plug it in, but she doesn’t have cable or streaming, so the only things they can watch are whatever’s free,” the post read. 

“We ended up sending the boys outside to play on her trampoline even though it was cold,” Stephanie said. 

The only time Kaylee’s 9yo foster daughter left her room was to complete colouring in with her mum and the other girls in the house; 20 minutes later, “she wanted to play by herself and locked herself in her room”.

Stephanie was growing increasingly frustrated with Kaylee’s foster daughter, who only left her room to eat dinner. But when she walked into the dining room, she “refused to sit with the other kids”. 

“There was pasta, chicken, buttered noodles, and salad available, but she still refused to eat any of it, so her mum had to get up and make mac and cheese and dino nuggets just to get her to eat,” the American woman wrote. After dinner, Kaylee held her daughter in her lap; the 9yo didn’t budge until the other kids went home. 

When Stephanie and her kids were about to leave, Kaylee opened the door and thanked the woman for bringing her kids over. “She was thanking us while we were leaving and saying this was great for her daughter,” Stephanie wrote. 

But Stephanie wasn’t happy. “I told her that watching her kid get special treatment and take things away from them wasn’t good for the rest of the kids, so she needs to wait until her daughter can be around people before she hosts again,” she said. 

Kaylee was offended by Stephanie’s words and told her friend her opinion was unnecessary and “extremely rude”. But in Stephanie’s eyes, “someone needs to tell her that she can’t have other kids over if that’s how her kid behaves”.

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“I'm sorry to say it, but you are a terrible friend”

The Reddit community was appalled by Stephanie’s perspective, and they argued that she was an unhelpful friend to Kaylee, who only wanted the best for her daughter. 

“You knew full well that this was a learning opportunity for the daughter,” someone wrote. “And you know that the daughter isn't going to learn how to be around others - she has to learn by doing.”

“How do you expect the daughter to learn if she’s not experiencing the bumps in the road? Were you kids always perfect?” asked another. 

One comment read: “Wow. I'm sorry to say it, but you are a terrible friend.” 

“Just wow,” another added. “Your friend needed your help and support, and all she received was your judgement.”

The playdate was also an excellent learning opportunity for Stephanie’s three children, too. 

“You could have taught them that not everyone has the same experiences growing up and that our experiences can influence our fears,” a person wrote.

“Teach them that fear can cause people to have difficulty knowing how to behave in ways that others understand.”

“[Stephanie] could have used this as an opportunity to teach her own children about kindness and empathy,” a person said. “A lived experience to show what compassion looks like. Such a shame she wasted it.”

*Names have been changed

Originally published as My friend has a 9yo foster daughter, but I won’t let her hang out with my kids