There’s only one way to stop yourself from becoming a toxic mother-in-law

“I feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused or dissatisfied by this role … so they end up acting in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling…”

There is hardly a thought scarier than a troublesome mother-in-law. 

We’ve all heard the horror stories of MILs refusing to let their sons go, being rude to their daughters-in-law and generally making life miserable. 

Hell, some are currently living through it as we speak. 

But how can you stop yourself from becoming a toxic MIL yourself? 

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“Fill your dang cup"

According to American woman Janelle, toxic attitudes from MILs are a direct result of not having their own life. 

“The key to being a non-toxic mother-in-law is locked somewhere within filling your own cup,” she began. 

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In order for older parents with adult children to prevent themselves from becoming problematic later on, they must “fill your dang cup”.

And it shouldn’t be something to help another person, only you. 

“Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy,” she said. 

For example, Janelle suggested mothers begin by “nurturing friendships, nurturing relationships, nurturing your marriage”. 

It’s an issue she’s seen time and time again. 

“I, unfortunately, feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused about this role of MIL or dissatisfied with the role of MIL and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips,” she said. 

She believes that women who “don’t have enough going on outside their relationship and role as a mum” may have trouble finding something to do once their kids have flown the nest. 

“When their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things,” she said. 

Of course, she admitted that this advice is “easier said than done” but reminded other women that they still need to take time out and practice self-care. 

And studies show she’s right. 

Many parents may find themselves feeling lonely and down once their kids have left the house or started a new relationship. 

Without adult children at home, it can be easy for parents to feel like they’ve lost a sense of identity with it. 

It’s often referred to as empty nest syndrome, and while it’s not a clinical diagnosis, it’s more common than you might think, especially among women. 

According to Better Health, even tiny steps like setting small and achievable goals or starting a new hobby can be the perfect way to ease back into things. 

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Janelle told other parents to "fill your dang cup" to prevent yourself from becoming a toxic MIL. Picture: millennialmatleave/TikTok

“My MIL needs nice hobbies - not spying, snooping and gossiping”

Online, the mother’s advice was welcomed with open arms, with many others sharing horror stories with their “toxic” MILs. 

“Yes, my MIL needs nice Hobbies. Not spying, snooping and gossiping,” a person wrote. 

Another said they’ve “been saying this forever. My toxic MIL has had zero friends in the 18 years I have known her.”

“Get out there, make some buddies, put some energy into your other passions!” a third added. 

This was the perfect wake-up call for MILs, who may have been a bit lax. 

“OMG you’re right,” one woman said. “Don't get me wrong, I'm a good MIL, I don't meddle or overstep, but, boy, do I struggle. I definitely need to get a hobby!”

Others said this was “the key to happiness. If we all saw our relationships with a full cup.”

Originally published as There’s only one way to stop yourself from becoming a toxic mother-in-law