I told my daughter-in-law the brutal reason she wasn't invited on a trip

 "She always complains of being tired, and she needs constant breaks when walking. So when she asked me why she was excluded, I couldn't hold back."

A passionate debate has broken out online about a delicate subject: body weight and its impact on social activities. 

The post in question is from a woman grappling with the challenges of organising outings with her family, as her daughter-in-law Beth's* weight has become a hindrance to the group's enjoyment of activities.

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Image: IStock

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'She complains she's tired and needs constant breaks'

The post begins with the mum-of-three explaining some context - "My DIL was an average weight before she had her child. Now, her kid is eight-years-old and she never lost the weight she gained afterwards. She's obese and it's bad enough that her ankles are swollen and she needs constant breaks walking."

She explains that because of this, her DIL struggles with physical activities, forcing the group to take frequent breaks and, in some instances, changing their plans altogether.

"I have three girls and we still like to do girls' trips for the day sometimes," she says. "But everywhere we go with her it is constant complaining that she is tired. The last girl's trip to a shopping centre was spent sitting on a bench half the day since she needed constant breaks. If you try to leave she will go on about 'abandoning her'. It’s annoying."

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'I initially lied. Then I had enough and told her the truth'

The breaking point came when the mum organised an apple-picking trip that involved "big orchids and lots of walking."

Given previous instances, the OP decided not to invite Beth on the trip, however, she saw the pictures on Facebook.

Feeling excluded, she confronted her MIL, leading to a brutally honest revelation about why she wasn't invited. 

"I initially lied and said it was just a family trip," the mum says. 

"But she accused me of lying. I had enough and told her the truth. I told her she wasn’t invited due to her weight... that she forces us to stop all the time and it ruins the trips most days since we don’t get to do half the stuff. She called me a jerk and hung up.

"I am now getting texts from my son saying to apologise but the girls are on my side and are sick of having trips ruined since we have to wait for her all the time."

'Why should your trips revolve around her?'

Before asking for advice from forum members, the mum clarified - "We have tried to do plenty of activities before that are not physically taxing, but even then she ends up on the bench half the day."

The community then responded with their thoughts. One user applauded the mum, stating, "At the risk of being called fatphobic, good for you. Why should your trips revolve around her? Why should you be forced to plan outings that are within your DIL's step limit? Finally, you're free to only invite your actual daughters to things, too.

"You aren't blocking her from any and all family gatherings. She just got blocked from this one, which I hope is the first of many trips you and your daughters have been putting off for her sake. Get out there and see the world. It's lovely."

Then this perspective came from a self-identified overweight woman who supported the poster's stance: "I'm fat. I either don't go places I know I can't handle, or I take a few Ibuprofen and make it work," the user shared.

They added, "You are NTA. If she's having issues due to health problems, she needs to seek medical care. You are still NTA for wanting to enjoy your trip."

"I don't blame you for telling her to be honest. She asked you and pushed you to tell her," someone else concluded.

Group trips became difficult for one family trying to factor in a family member who was struggling with physical activities. Photo: iStock

"You could have delivered it better"

On the other hand, another person argued, "You might be justified, but you should have made it about her activity level, not her weight.

"Even though her behaviour is caused by her weight, you could have said it without fat-shaming her. She's not really 'too fat', she's 'too inactive'."

"I won't call you the a**hole though because you have a good point. Just could have delivered it better."

The OP replied, "My daughters have done that before... it's not getting through. I am also sick of lying/coddling her. We all know it's her weight. I was already pissed that she called asking why I went out without her, then being called a liar.

"The truth seems so much better in that moment. "

Someone else added in, "The 'fat' part can be inferred without you having to lower yourself and actually saying terms like that. You could have said something like, "This activity didn’t seem compatible with your limited mobility, we didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by inviting you somewhere you wouldn’t be able to navigate.' Just an idea for next time."

Originally published as I told my daughter-in-law the brutal reason she wasn't invited on a trip