Advice Needed: My MIL expects me to cook and clean for her when she stays over

"My mum comes to visit and brings her food but my MIL doesn't" - is this fair?

Jordana Shell

3 min read

August 15, 2023 - 12:55PM

Photo: iStock

Parenting

Don't miss out on the headlines from Parenting. Followed categories will be added to My News.

Should I be cooking for my MIL? We have a 10 month old baby, and I'm 10 weeks pregnant with our second bub. My husband works long hours and often gets back after 7:30 pm most nights. We also live an hour away from family and support.

Advice Needed

My mum and mother-in-law both have a day or two that they will come up most weeks and stay with us, to have a bit of time with our little boy, and help out a bit. My mum will help out a lot, and will bring her own meals (sometimes even one for us!), as she refuses to have us cater for her, and she will even bring her own linen and towel for staying over, to avoid giving me extra washing.

My MIL however, expects to be provided with meals (every meal and snack of the day), and use our linen and towels, and I do all the washing. She doesn't really help much either, she usually just focuses on our son (and tends to overstimulate him, too).

It's hard providing meals for her every time. I'm really tired, and also putting a lot of effort into our son's meals. We are also on a budget, due to the cost of inflation, and being on maternity leave (now unpaid). I'm also struggling with my pregnancy symptoms and fatigue, and looking after our busy son.

Would it be wrong for us to suggest that my MIL starts bringing her own packed dinners, just to take a bit of the pressure off?

Have any anonymous question you desperately need answered? Submit your Advice Needed questions to Kidspot.

Jordana's Advice

Oh reader, it’s impossible to compare your mum with your mother-in-law! Our mums just get us, and know what to do, and for some reason when they do things for us it doesn’t feel passive aggressive but if our MIL did the same, it does. There will always be that push/pull but at the end of the day, her heart is in the right place and she is there to help, let her help.

We totally feel your exhaustion and struggle to get up the courage to cook and prepare for house guests, even when they are family. Trying to navigate a healthy relationship with your MIL can be like walking a tightrope, so tread carefully and enter this conversation with love and calm.

Given she is visiting on a regular basis, maybe try a one week on and off approach. One week you cook for her, and one week she cooks for you or brings her own meals? This way you can batch cook ahead of her visit and won’t need to start from scratch when she arrives.

Want to join the family? Sign up to our Kidspot newsletter for more stories like this.

Laundry is the never ending story for parents. Source: iStock

We understand that cost of living is putting additional pressure on families when it comes to groceries, but something that might help is getting a home delivered meal plan. Something that’s easy to cook as all ingredients are measured out and ready to go (even MIL could assist). When you sign up you often get great deals that end up costing less than weekly grocery shops. Often the meals for two are more than enough for three with leftovers for lunch the next day. Dinner sorted for the whole fam!

Another great idea for your MIL and son to do - and one that avoids overstimulation - is for them to prepare snacks together. He could be in the high chair and she cuts some fruit and veggies etc, that way she’s got her snacks and so does your little one. It’s a great bonding experience and also encourages positive behaviours towards mealtimes and trying new foods.

Now, the laundry pile up is literally the worst, and it just never ends! It’s not ideal but sadly this is the reality when you have kids! However, this conversation might be awkward for you to handle, so might we suggest your husband take on this task? He could say, “We love you coming up to visit, and want you to keep coming, but at the moment the washing is getting too much, if you wouldn’t mind putting your sheets and towels on when you leave, just to alleviate some of the load?”

We can’t guarantee that this will go over well. Most mother-in-laws don’t like to be told ‘what to do’ and more often than not, their sons don’t like doing the telling either. But you need to set your boundaries and expectations before the new bub arrives because emotions will be too high (and sleep way too interrupted) then to have a rational conversation.

Remember that at the end of the day, your village is so important to keep around you. So however that looks and plays out has to work for you and your immediate family.