Life // Love // Sex: You’ve caught your best friend’s boyfriend on Tinder. What do you do?

There’s nothing more awkward than seeing your bestie’s BF on Tinder, a reader writes. Here’s how to handle it, according to Evangeline Polymeneas.

I don’t think there’s a more uncomfortable situation than killing time on a Tuesday night by swiping through Tinder only to come across a friend’s boyfriend.

This happened to me recently, and it was a close friend so I know they hadn’t broken up and had been together at least three years.

I was so nervous to tell her of my discovery, I took her out to coffee as I thought she would be devastated and didn’t want to break the news over the phone.

I told her and they stayed together.

It was weeks later that I saw him again on Tinder as I was swiping away, meaning his account was still active.

I got angry that he could think he would get away with having a public dating profile while he was apparently in a relationship with a friend I cared about dearly.

The couple are still together today, I respect her for having the maturity to move past that situation, but I would not be able to do the same.

Thinking back to it all I wonder how this man thought no one would discover his dating alter ego, or whether he wanted someone to find out to potentially get him out of the relationship the easy way.

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I’m in two minds about this reader’s submission. One half is telling me that you did the right thing telling your friend about your discovery, but the other half (a slightly smaller half) is telling me that you’re projecting your principles of monogamy on to your friend, which might not be the right thing to do.

Twenty-first century loving has come a long way since no-sex-before-marriage and no-divorce, loveless relationships of the past, but traditional concepts of what it means to be “together’” still permeate our discussions.

I won’t discuss whether or not these traditional ideas are correct or incorrect (that’s not my place), but I will analyse whether not they have a place in this situation – the situation when you catch your best friend’s boyfriend on a dating app.

21st century loving has come a long way since the no-sex-before-marriage and no-divorce, loveless relationships of the past.

We may think we know every aspect of our best friend’s life, but as we grow older and our relationships with our friends evolve we may realise we don’t know them like we did when we were younger. People change, after all.

I’d like to put something to the reader:

Your friend’s reaction, or rather her lack of reaction, could indicate that maybe you’re not as aware of the dynamics of her relationship as you might have thought.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a factual analysis but rather a collection of assumptions. But consider for a moment that maybe your friend doesn’t care that her boyfriend is on Tinder and maybe... she is as well?

Maybe your friend doesn’t care that her boyfriend is on Tinder and maybe... she is as well?

Open relationships are trending, even among celebrities – perhaps your friend has jumped on the new it-thing?

While each open relationship is different, confined by its own unique set of rules and boundaries, they are anything but monogamous.

Monogamy requires two people to be sexually – and sometimes even emotionally – intimate with only each other.

The fact that your friend’s boyfriend is “cheating” so publicly, and continued to be active on Tinder after you spoke to your friend, makes me think there is a real possibility the couple doesn’t follow strict monogamy guidelines.

Your friend may be experimenting with her partner and doesn’t care to know what he gets up to.

Your assumption it was such a huge issue might have made her feel invalidated in her choice to be open with her partner.

We don’t know what goes on in a private relationship.

That being said, while we don’t know what goes on in a private relationship, it’s hard not to insert ourselves into situations when we think our friend might be hurt.

When you have good intentions and you act with those intentions, I don’t think you can be in the wrong.

Making the assumption that your friend is in a monogamous relationship and would want to know their boyfriend is using a dating app was likely the correct thing to do. But I couldn’t help thinking that maybe there was more to it considering her reaction.

That’s why talking with your friends is so important. I know which of my friends would want to know if I found their boyfriend on a dating app, and which ones wouldn’t.

Ask before you pull out your manila folder of evidence, because you might not know what is really going on.

Life // Love // Sex is a new weekly column exploring modern relationships, dating, sex, love and life issues. Email reader questions and feedback to our columnist here.