Life // Love // Sex: How ‘volcels’ reject hook-up culture if it’s taking a toll

Younger Millennials and Gen Z may already be having less sex than older generations, but now there’s a new trend towards giving it up altogether. WARNING: Adult content

I feel this crazy pressure to have random, casual sex with strangers.

It’s almost like it’s a rite of passage or something — if you don’t participate, you don’t pass GO and miss out on $200.

After random hook-ups, I’m left feeling really awful about myself. I live for the attention and then it all comes crashing down in the end when I don’t get a text back or it doesn’t become something more than a one-night-stand.

I’m feeling emotionally and physically exhausted but I feel the pressure mounting.

What do I do?

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You’re not alone! It seems you’re a victim of hook-up culture – land of pump and dumps, one night stands and unanswered texts.

To make it out alive, you need to partner up and make your escape at sunrise, while the others are still sleeping off their hangovers.

Unfortunately the days of Jane Austen dating are gone. The closest anyone gets to being asked out is a ‘you up?’ text late on a Saturday night. We’re lucky if that’s even spelled correctly.

So what do we do?

While some feel empowered by the movement towards casual sex and lack of emotional connection others are glad to know that conversations around voluntary celibacy are taking place against the backdrop of a sex recession.

Younger Millennials and Gen Z are having less casual or partnered sex than previous generations which is surprising when you consider our hook-up mentality where casual sex is encouraged and emotional commitment is considered … cheugy.

Online dating provides the illusion of choice which makes committing even less tempting. Users are drunk on possibility, swiping through potential one-night-stands and no strings attached orgasms.

But some are tired of the chase, deciding to reject hook-up culture to opt for voluntary celibacy.

Voluntary celibacy is a new sex(less) trend making its rounds on TikTok.

@pengblkgirl

this is how we living in 2022 - never been happier 😌🌟🥺 #relatable#trending#controversial#advicetok#relationshipadvice#blacktiktok#celibacy

♬ armin gettin freaky dinky - hallie

The concept is simple — ‘volcels’ (voluntary celibates) purposely choose to give up sex for an indefinite period of time, regardless of the opportunities. Some choose to put the pursuit for sex on the backburner to focus on their physical or mental health, studies or career.

And some are just sick of dating (if we can even still call it that).

I spoke to some recently converted volcels to get their thoughts.

Amelie found herself navigating hook-up culture prior to finding her now boyfriend. When I asked her about it she said she believed that we, as a society, move through progressive ideologies in a cyclical way.

“We make progress on something like feminism and equality and we end up trying to become so progressive we become regressive. I think hook-up culture is like that.

“For women, I think we’re trying to navigate a new space, where we can be okay with our sexual side. I do like that part of hook-up culture, but I still believe we don’t have the societal ‘culture’ that allows women to explore this side without ramifications or objectification.

“We are living in a time of self-gratification, everything we do is for short-term gain, without thinking of the long-term implications. Social media definitely plays a role in this too, people are constantly wanting to have it all and searching for something better.”

This resonates with Kayla and Matilda, too.

Burnt after swimming in the boiling waters of hook-up culture, Kayla realised that she was tying her inherent self-worth to physical interactions with strangers when it started taking a toll on her mental health.

“I deleted Tinder and stopped kissing strangers,” she said, “I had to (take a step back) and value my mental (health) first, which I couldn’t do while still engaging in hook-up culture.”

After the disintegration of her long-term relationship, Matilda couldn’t wait to jump right back in. But when a one-night stand said “maybe this kind of thing isn’t for you” she started to reconsider.

While engaging in random hook-ups Matilda said that her body would literally reject men. “I’ve felt really drained afterwards,” she said.

Hook-up culture promotes random sexual relationships and limited emotional connection and while this was presented to women especially as a form of sexual liberation, if it isn’t that for you then you don’t need to participate.

Society hasn’t totally caught up with hook-up culture, leaving some people feeling objectified after engaging with it.

Amelie, Kayla and Matilda credit the improvement in their mental health to rejecting hook-up culture.

If participating is something that you enjoy, then go for it (consensually) and have fun and stay safe but if it’s starting to take a toll, perhaps it’s time to dip your toe in the volcel community.