Life // Love // Sex: What are sexual fantasies and how do you make them a reality?

Adult content warning: Everyone’s mind wanders but how do you reveal to your partner the secrets only your Google search history knows?

**WARNING** If you’re easily offended, proceed no further! This article contains sometimes-graphic descriptions of themes of an adult / sexual nature.

I can’t stop having fantasies! I’m sitting on the bus and my mind just wanders and before you know it I’m suddenly picturing a full-scale sex scene in my head. Don’t even get me started on my dreams.

The thing is … I think I might want to actually do these things. I mean, if I can’t stop thinking about it, maybe that means I should act on it?

I have a partner and they’re great, but we don’t tend to experiment too much in the bedroom. We have our routine, that we know and love, and to be honest, I don’t know how they will even react if I end up getting the courage to tell them what I want anyway.

I love my partner, so breaking up isn’t an option for me, but I know I want to make my fantasies a reality. How do I do it?

-------------------------------------------

Everyone’s mind wanders.

Perhaps it’s the person on the train or the cute barista you see every morning, there will always be someone (or something) that gets your mind racing and before you know it, you’re hoping the person next to you can’t read your mind.

We all have sexual fantasies, whether we indulge everyday or not. Either way, they’re a healthy and important way to explore our sexuality and lead sexually fulfilling lives.

But if your fantasies are hidden in your late night Google searches, then luckily, I’ve spoken to certified sex coach and host of the ‘In Bed’ podcast, Georgia Grace to get the steamy details on how to make your sexual fantasies your reality.

“Fantasies are essentially a euphemism for daydreams,” she says. “It’s when your mind wanders to something that can be sexual, intimate or of a sexual nature.”

When our minds start to play out these sexual daydreams, is it fair to question where they came from? Why are you having fantasies about food delivery people and Santa Claus? I put this to Georgia who says there are many informers.

A surge of requests for masks and people dressing up in medical gear has been noted during the pandemic. Picture: iStock

“I was speaking to a sex worker who, throughout the pandemic, noticed that there was a surge of requests for masks and people dressing up in medical gear,” Georgia says.

“People are searching for something that is culturally relevant.”

In her latest podcast episode, Georgia spoke to associate professor, Dr Lauren Rosewarne who said pop culture plays an important role in shaping our fantasies.

“You log onto Pornhub in December, there is a lot of Christmas pornography,” Dr Lauren says. “We can’t escape the influence popular culture and, more broadly, what’s happening around us has on the pornography we want to consume.”

Dr Lauren says that you could sit down and unpack every childhood moment searching for the reason why you might want to have a threesome, but the answer is usually as simple as – you just want to.

You might be content with your fantasy sitting dormant in your mind, which can be fulfilling in and of itself, but if you do want to try a round in Santa’s sack, there might be a few things to consider.

“I would first recommend getting really curious about it, sitting with it, thinking about it and exploring it in your mind,” Georgia says.

“So that if (your fantasy) does involve other people, you can be really clear on what it looks like.”

If you’re struggling to wrap your head around the extent of your fantasy, Georgia suggests exploring your fantasies during masturbation first, or perhaps by writing it down or sharing it with someone.

Getting clear about exactly what your fantasy will look like is so important when it comes to discussions around consent.

If you’re wanting to experience the fantasy with a partner, you both need to be on the same page. While one of you might be extremely keen to take part in the fantasy, the other might be a bit … indifferent.

This is when it’s vital to understand the difference between what you’re willing to do and what you’re wanting to do. Georgia explains it as someone understanding that although this act isn’t something that I personally would be turned on by, I am willing to provide you with that sexual gratification.

Sexually stimulating your partner might be just as satisfying and although you’re not directly turned on by the fantasy that you’re both acting out, you’re getting turned on by stimulating your partner.

“Willing is a wonderful, exciting, healthy role to play,” Georgia says.

“But it’s important if you’re in a relationship with someone or people to be able to explore both giving and receiving.”

Life // Love // Sex is a new weekly column exploring modern relationship, dating, sex, love and life issues. Email reader questions and feedback to our columnist here.