He’s back! Matt Gilbertson’s savage take on Adelaide suburbs, part two: FULL LIST

Birkenhead? The Aldi version of Semaphore. Matt Gilbertson has summed up dozens of Adelaide suburbs in a single, snarky sentence. WARNING: Don’t click if you’re easily offended.

Sunday Mail gossip columnist Matt Gilbertson has some thoughts about your suburb. None of them are nice. Artwork Steven Grice

It’s your fault. You encouraged me! After the stunning success of part one - and because so many of you got shirty because you were left out, I’m back with round two of my savage take down of Adelaide suburbs. And just in case you missed it, this story comes with a WARNING. Don’t read it if you’re easily offended and can’t take a joke. Seriously.

Basket Range
Hippies turning mouldy grape juice into wine.

Birkenhead
The Aldi version of Semaphore.

Blakeview
The suburb for people who are in denial about living in Munno Para.

Bradbury
Only made the list because three other suburbs fell over.

Bridgewater
If Stirling is the Kylie Minogue of the Hills than Bridgewater is absolutely the Dannii.

Broadview
The only broad view that this suburb offers is the view of the concrete block of Collingswood aka Peter Goers Haus aka the ABC building.

Burton
Waterloo Corner Road runs right through the guts of Burton and just like the French battle, you’ll want to raise a white flag and surrender after visiting.

Chandlers Hill
Named after the least interesting character from Friends.

Christie Downs
All the glamour and thrill of Christies Beach without even having to ever see the water.

Clarence Park
Thinks it’s way better than Clarence Gardens just because it’s closer to Unley. Guess what… It’s not.

College Park
You can either live in College Park or send your kids to the local “high school” because not even Elon Musk would be able to do both.

Coromandel Valley
Where else could you live 20 mins from the city but still need a year round bush fire action plan.

Cowandilla
The place you’d leave your car if you were looking for cheap parking for the airport.

Craigmore
Would make a great drag king name. Please welcome to the stage Craig More!

Davoren Park
This is the suburb people were most offended that we omitted from volume one of this list. I am shocked they were so outraged! Who knew that residents of Davoren Park owned computers?? (PS…. IT'S A JOKE! PPS. REREAD THE DISCLAIMER AT THE TOP. PPPS ALL CORRESPONDENCE TO THE EDITOR!! PPPPS SORRY DAVOREN PARK FOR USING BIG WORDS LIKE CORRESPONDENCE).

Dover Gardens
Conveniently located between Westfield Marion, the beach and a desperate longing to be somewhere else.

Eastwood
Remember those brief few years in the early 2000s when everyone wanted to live at the Air Apartments? Me neither. At least you’re close to The Arkaba.

Eden Hills
The name makes it sound like an earthly paradise but have you ever been up Shepherds Hill Rd?

Enfield
Where Gepps Cross meets Blair Athol. Need we say more?

Exeter
If someone invites you to the Exeter Hotel, really make sure they are meaning the one on Rundle Street and not the one actually in Exeter.

Firle
Has a Mormon chapel and Kmart. What more could you want?

Fitzroy
That bit near the Aquatic Centre with all the dead end streets.

Forestville
Home of Adelaide’s second most famous Le Cornu’s site.

Glandore
The part where the south road overpass started collapsing. That’s right, not even the infrastructure wants to be there.

Glenunga
The school that pioneered the International Baccalaureate, which thanks to COVID-19 is now totally useless. Well done kids!

Hawthorn
New money. Big renovations. Pity about the train tracks!

Henley Beach
Acai bowl shops, turmeric lattes and bikies. You don’t whether you’re going to improve your health or lose your life at Henley Square.

Hope Valley
Again… Another highly misleading name. What is this? Opposite Day?

Joslin
I will not make any jokes about the heavily protected Chinese consulate that has recently opened in this leafy eastern suburb. I repeat, I will not make any jokes about !!CENSORED BY THE CCP!!

Klemzig
The first settlement of German immigrants in Australia landed here and ever since locals have been cursing their ancestors for not choosing Hahndorf instead.

Malvern
Rich and semi rich families cooking everything in a Thermomix.

Mansfield Park
What the hell is a Thermomix?

Marino
Rocks.

Mile End
A giant Home Maker Centre.

Moana
Isn’t this a Disney movie?

Munno Para
The kind of suburb that really builds up a person’s character.

Netley
Giant cop shop and home of State Opera. The two rarely meet.

New Port Keys
The place that they keep promising will really take off one day. They’ve been saying this since 1842.

North Haven
Almost the last stop on the Outer Harbour Line. Whatever you do, do not fall asleep on the train and end up here.

Novar Gardens
The most exciting thing that happens here is an annual fireworks display at Christmas time at Immanuele College. That’s right, a bloody school is paying for fireworks. Fees up in smoke. Literally.

Outer Harbor
Submarines.

Ovingham
Bombay Bicycle  Club and probably actual bicycle clubs.

Parkside
Unley for students and nonnas.

Pennington
The best Pho in Adelaide.

Plympton
Highway Hotel.

Port Noarlunga
Noarlunga with a jetty and without the stabbing.

Regency Park
TAFE!

Rose Park
The only time the posh people of Rose Park let visitors in is if they need a CT scan or an orthodontist.

Royal Park
About as Royal as Meghan and Harry aka not royal at all.

Seacliff
Hove for real people!

Sturt
Unley for fake people.

Tusmore
BMWs on a BMX budget!

MATT GILBERTSON’S SAVAGE TAKE ON ADELAIDE SUBURBS - PART ONE.