Matt Gilbertson’s savage take on Adelaide suburbs: FULL LIST

Aberfoyle Park? More like Staberfoyle Park! Matt Gilbertson has summed up hundreds of Adelaide suburbs in a single, snarky sentence. WARNING: Don’t click if you’re easily offended.

Suburbs artwork. Artwork: Steve Grice/The Advertiser

Oh, so you thought 2021 was going to be all wine and roses after the s***show that was 2020? Honey, have we got news for you. Sunday Mail gossip columnist Matt Gilbertson has still got his cranky pants on and he’s coming to a postcode near you with this savage take down of Adelaide suburbs.

And just in case you missed it, this story comes with a WARNING. Don’t read it if you’re easily offended and can’t take a joke. Seriously.

Aberfoyle Park

Charming southern suburb affectionately dubbed “Staberfoyle Park” by locals … For obvious reasons.

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Alberton

Kochie’s favourite suburb. Something to do with sport or something?

Aldgate

Well … It’s no Hanhdorf, is it now?

Aldinga

When you want to buy a beach house but Carrickalinga is way out of the price-range.

Allenby Gardens

Has a great Drakes Foodland.

Andrews Farm

A fancy way of saying Munno Para.

Angle Park

GREYHOUNDS!

Ascot Park

The part of Marion Road that has all the vape shops and tattoo places.

Ashford

I just thought Ashford was a posh hospital? It’s actually a suburb as well? Who knew!

Athelstone

People desperate to tell you they don’t live in Campbelltown.

Athol Park

Hanson Road. A great place for meeting new friends … Friends who will charge you for the pleasure their company. But still lovely friends.

Beaumont

Famous for a tile shop.

Bedford Park

Flinders Uni takes up the whole suburb like its own little city.

Belair

National park.

Bellevue Heights

How would you feel if you were wedged between the Southern Expressway and Shepherds Hill Road?

Beulah Park

The end of The Parade without any of the fun parts.

Beverley

Well … Ummm … There’s a recycling plant. That’s something, right?

Black Forest

Drive the South Road overpass, if your tyres aren’t slashed.

Blackwood

Hilltop Hoods country.

Blair Athol

There’s a Dan Murphy’s with a BWS just around the corner. That should tell you how happy people are to be in Blair Athol.

Bolivar

Sewage. Classy!

Bowden

Used to be factories. Now it’s overrun with hipsters living in shoeboxes.

Brahma Lodge

Calling it a lodge almost makes it sound like somewhere you’d want to visit for a holiday. Very misleading.

Brighton

Like the Melbourne suburb of the same name just without the beach boxes.

Brompton

Wait … Isn’t this suburb just Bowden? Aren’t they just the same place?

Brooklyn Park

The comforting sound of aeroplanes flying overhead all day.

Burnside

Gold shoes. A bratty local council and a dead tree in the middle of a shopping mall.

Campbelltown

Giant suburb on North East Road. No one out of Campbelltown visits The ARC.

Cavan

Someone finally put the Cross Keys Hotel on the heritage list please.

Cheltenham

Not the same since they got rid of the racecourse. Gambling really livens up a suburb.

Christies Beach

Kilburn with a beach.

Clapham

In London, Clapham is a trendy part of the city full of interesting people. Think the opposite of that.

Collinswood

Could be quite charming, but then there’s the ABC building that sticks out like sore thumb. Not to say anything about Aunty, but it’s hardly our most attractive building, is it?

Colonel Light Gardens

Recent news stories dubbed it Adelaide’s “garden suburb”. Read: boring! There’s no reason to visit.

Croydon

Becoming more hipster by the minute but still a few criminals about. The biggest meth lab in SA was uncovered here just a few years ago.

Cumberland Park

The big Big W on the corner of Goodwood Road.

Darlington

A labyrinth of roadworks.

Daw Park

Everyone in Daw Park has now totally lost their sense of direction since the only landmark Peter Van was ripped down.

Dernancourt

My friend calls this suburb “Dernside” to make himself feel better.

Devon Park

Where Bowden and Brompton start getting a little bit scary.

Dulwich

Old Adelaide money. Let’s just call it one of Adelaide’s babushka doll suburbs because everyone there is full of themselves.

Edinburgh

In 2014 Prince William and new wife Kate visited the northern suburbs and we flew them straight into the air base at Edinburgh.

Edwardstown

Castle Plaza.

Elizabeth

Named after a queen, but it’s a place that’s anything but Royal.

Ethelton

The gateway to Semaphore.

Ferryden Park

I’m too scared to pay out Ferryden Park because my favourite secret Vietnamese restaurant is here.

Findon

Bring back the Skid Kids!

Frewville

The other posh Foodland that’s now not quite as posh at the Pasadena one.

Fullarton

Grab a Granny at The Arkaba.

Gawler

The last little bit of torture before you head into the Barossa.

Gepps Cross

Trash and treasure by day. Drive-in cinema by night.

Gilberton

The grave yard of the former Channel 7 station. Adriana is still spinning her letters here in spirit.

Glenelg

Popular with cashed-up bogans and confused tourists. Also spelled the same backwards as it is forwards. Wow!

Glenside

Everyone who lives there tells people they live in Burnside … But we all know the truth.

Globe Derby Park

Because who doesn’t love a bit of harness racing?

Golden Grove

Golden gravel. Very similar to Fountain Lakes where Kath and Kim live.

Goodwood

Awful main road but they make up for it by having a cinema with a pipe organ that’s popular with pensioners.

Grange

Aldi version of Henley Beach.

Hackham

If you tell people you live in the Southern suburbs and they gasp, Hackham is what they’re thinking of.

Hackney

Botanic Gardens adjacent.

Hallett Cove

Boardwalks.

Happy Valley

An extremely misleading name.

Hendon

A maze of empty buildings where the Film Corp used to be before they want all glam and moved east. Traitors!

Hilton

You think it's the hotel in the city, but it’s just the bland pub on South Road.

Hindmarsh

Soccer!

Holden Hill

Every fast food outlet you can think of and a giant police station.

Hove

Sort out your level crossing would ya!

Hyde Park

The shopping destination for when you don’t really need anything but want to pay way more than you should for whatever it is you end up buying.

Kilburn

The name says it all. Kill! Burn!

Kilkenny

Arndale!

Kurralta Park

The only thing I know about this place is the Kmart.

Largs Bay

Semaphore with nowhere to shop.

Leabrook

Where rich eastern suburbs mothers go to live after their divorce.

Lockleys

Where formerly rich eastern suburbs fathers go to live after their divorce.

Marion

Giant shopping centre popular with youths who need somewhere to loiter on Thursday nights.

Marryatville

A suburb full of families who only move in so they can be in the zone for a posh public high school.

Maslin Beach

You can leave your hat on.

Melrose Park

Gateway to the south. Not even half as interesting as the TV show with a similar name.

Mitcham

Public girl’s school.

Modbury

TTP but pretty soon you can’t use it as a park and ride.

Noarlunga

Now has an expressway that goes both ways … Just like several friends of mine during our university days.

North Adelaide

Home to a famous empty plot of land and SA’s biggest whingers. Please make sure you keep the noise down.

Norwood

Too many cafes that haven’t been renovated since 2001.

Ottoway

Bikies.

Paradise

Giant church famous for Guy Sebastian. I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.

Pasadena

Home to a posh Foodland.

Port Adelaide

The part of Adelaide they keep trying to make happen.

Prospect

Last place of poshness before Kilburn smacks you in the face.

Richmond

Every street you turn down in Richmond will be a dead end thanks to the damn airport.

Salisbury

I mean, any place that has a shopping centre called Hollywood Plaza HAS to be glamorous, right?

Semaphore

The international headquarters of the KD Lang fan club.

Somerton Park

Its most famous resident is an unidentified man found dead in 1948.

Springfield

Outsiders will think it’s something from The Simpsons, but Springfield is anything but. The richest of the rich. The people who live here would be lost anywhere beyond Kensington Road.

St Clair

New suburb full of first homebuyer’s grants.

St Kilda

The big playground with metal slides that burnt the thighs of generations of South Aussie kids.

St Peters

Old money. Posh school, aka Hackney High.

Taperoo

The High School changed its name from Taperoo High to Ocean View College because “Taperoo” had too much of a reputation. That should tell you all you need to know.

Tatachilla

You go there for camp during school and then never visit again.

Tea Tree Gully

The Westfield takes up most of this suburb. Does a great Christmas Carol event. Pity about the rest of the year.

Tennyson

The beach that no one goes to.

Thebarton

Young families, hipsters and a pub that’s very popular with girls who like girls.

Torrensville

Posh part of the Western Suburbs.

Unley

Young mums sipping soy lattes decked out in the official Unley uniform – Lorna Jane.

Unley Park

Home to the house who have kept the giant Men In Black cutout on display for more than 20 years.

Urrbrae

Public school for weird farm kids.

Virginia

A great nursery but not much else.

Walkerville

Two types of people live here. Rich senior citizens or young renters living way beyond their means.

Waterfall Gully

The busiest windy roads in Adelaide thanks to everyone desperate to climb Mt Lofty.

Wayville

You only visit this place once a year for the Royal Show.

Welland

For some reason the Welland Sushi Train always has the biggest line-up. Calm down kids. It’s not Studio 54.

West Beach

The beach for people who don't want a beach and prefer rocks instead of sand.

West Lakes

Lleyton Hewitt.

Willunga

Star Of Greece.

Wingfield

A dump. Literally.

Woodville

Where you can work a second job.

* for anyone offended by this list ... how did you get this far down? We did warn you!