James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 12: Wild question about sister in oral sex fight
A fight about an oral sex incident takes a turn on MAFS, with the insulted wife unexpectedly looping in her husband’s sister. James Weir recaps.
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The detectives are called in to investigate a mystery blowjob during Wednesday’s drunken dinner party on Married At First Sight.
Still, there’s more questions than answers when someone’s sister is unexpectedly dragged into the drama before a plot twist involving a cheating scandal threatens to turn this whole saga into an old-fashioned howcatchem that would make Raymond Chandler wake up in a cold sweat.
Producers love to market this show as a romance, but don’t be fooled. MAFS has and always will be a hard-boiled noir.
JAMES WEIR: Read all the recaps here
Ahead of tonight’s sophisticated dinner, my arch nemesis Jamie turns to her deck of tarot cards for predictions on what will happen. What do the spirits say? They don’t get a chance to tell us because Morena jumps in and starts talking over them.
“What’s there not to love about me?” she fumes to herself about her husband Tony fleeing the city for the day just to get some peace and quiet. “There’s no awareness there.”
Yeah. Some people are really lacking self-awareness.
Down the hall, Jacqui and Ryan are kidding themselves.
“We’ve put aside our differences and we’re on a positive trajectory,” Jacqui beams, insisting she’s no longer feeling resentful that her husband refuses to call her the most beautiful girl in the world. “We feel quite strong and united as a team. The phoenix is reborn!”
Annnd that phoenix is about to be shot out of the sky in 5, 4, 3, 2 …
“Do ya know ya fella says you have crazy eyes but ya give great head?” Billy screams.
He’s rehearsing the gotcha line he plans on yelling out to Jacqui at the dinner table.
At the cocktail party, my boyfriend Dave and my arch-nemesis Jamie are the first to arrive. It’s annoying how happy he is with her when I’m not around.
“I have a smile on my futch,” she tells him, mispronouncing the word “face”.
He grins. “You have such a smiley futch.”
Le sigh. I want to show Dave my futch.
As the rest of the couples arrive, all the wives gather. The main topic of conversation? How Ryan went behind Jacqui’s back and called her Crazy Eyes before revealing, “she gives awesome head”.
When Jacqui finally rolls in, she brags to the other ladies about how her relationship is on solid ground.
“So Ryan and I had a reset,” she grins. “We’re both very physically affectionate.”
Um … yeah … we’ve heard.
The other wives probe, attempting to gauge if she’s aware of what Ryan said about her.
“Are you having sex?” Awhina quizzes.
Jacqui shrieks. “No! No, we’re not having sex.”
Confused glances are swapped.
“Are you doing … stuff?” Jamie asks.
Jacqui shrugs. “Not really.”
Sierah delicately asks for a clarification: “Are you doing any … mouth to penis?”
Jacqui clutches her pearls. “No! No!”
And just like that, the mystery begins.
“Someone’s lying,” Carena says.
Over dinner, Ryan keeps gloating that he has figured out the secrets to a good marriage – how he and Jacqui have solved all their issues thanks to their impeccable communication.
“RYAN SAID YOU HAVE CRAZY EYES!” Billy screams.
Jacqui, trying hard not to strain her eyes, pretends to be in on the joke and laughs it off.
“Yeah I do have crazy eyes! I agree! Bahahaha! I brought my crazy eyes tonight bahahaha!” she howls. “I do have crazy eyes. I do.”
Billy’s offended that Jacqui’s not offended. “Are you OK with him saying that?”
“Some people find that a compliment to have crazy eyes,” Jacqui insists.
Jacqui, stop trying to gaslight us about your crazy eyes. Let us be insulted for you! YOU’RE CONFUSING US SO MUCH IT’S GIVING US CRAZY EYES!
“I’d love to have crazy eyes,” she says.
“ … Why?” Billy gasps.
“Because it’s fun!” Jacqui cheers.
Yeah! It’s a blast! Who doesn’t want to look like a googly-eyed Chia Pet?
My boyfriend Dave decides to jump in and politely change tact.
“RYAN SAID YOU GIVE GREAT HEAD,” he blurts out.
“Because it’s a POSITIVE thing,” Ryan insists.
Dave is furious.
“It’s disgusting. The way that he said it wasn’t in a positive way. And he was making fun of her,” he fumes.
Isn’t my boyfriend great? I’ve honestly never felt more protected.
Finally, Jacqui starts to see the holes that are forming in her relationship. They’re gaping. Like the ones in Sierah’s dress.
“I’m feeling pretty humiliated and embarrassed,” Jacqui eventually concedes.
But she doesn’t really care about the crazy eyes remark or the oral sex comment. There’s only one thing she truly cares about.
“I was triggered when he told me I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world!” she cries.
She’s still fuming about her husband not ranking her in first place during the Hot Or Not challenge.
“I deserve to be the most beautiful woman in the world! I will never settle for less! Ever! Ever! Ever!”
Jacqui, please. This is a little off-topic. Let’s bring the real issue back into focus: who’s lying about the mystery blowjob?
But Jacqui won’t budge. Things then take a wild turn.
“Do you have a sister?” she asks her husband. “Do you think your sister is beautiful? If you were to rank her in the room of women here, how would you rank her?”
Jacqui, ranking the hotness of siblings is out of line even for this freakshow.
Jacqui doubles down. “HOW WOULD YOU RANK HER?!”
When Ryan refuses to rate his sister’s sexiness, Jacqui takes it as a sign her marriage is doomed.
“We are not compatible! He is nothing I asked for! I asked for someone intelligent, loyal … I can’t change that,” she fumes. “I was dealt a f**ked set of cards. I’m done!”
She storms out. And for the next 40 minutes, we have to make small-talk with all the boring couples. Suddenly, Morena wakes up from her nana nap and realises she missed the showdown.
“Ryan! Ryan!” she calls, while everyone ignores her. “I’m not done with him! Ryan! Excuse me! RYAN! RYAN!”
She bangs her palms on the table. The cutlery clangs.
“I’m next in line!”
Apparently she thinks she’s at the Coles deli.
“I’m gonna tell you from a 57-year-old woman: you can say intimacy was fantastic, but if you were in a room with all these boys and you speak about Jacqui saying she gives great head … ARE YOU JOKING?” she continues to rant.
Everyone’s confused. None of us care about the blowjob comment anymore. We’ve moved onto more important issues: Like Paul’s hairline.
“Do not speak about women like that! AT ALL!” Morena hammers on. “It is out of line! It is not good!”
Paul goes rogue and drops his nice guy persona. He has dirt on MoScreama.
“Morena, you’re giving a lot of advice,” he interrupts. “Talk to us about your relationship, because I’ve heard you SCREAMING in the hallway.”
Morena is appalled at the allegations she was prowling the corridors of Trash Towers while screaming.
“Screaming??? SCREAMING? SCREAMING WHERE?” she screams.
“You’re delusional!” she yells. “He’s accusing me of being in the hallway screaming which is actually disrespectful! Paul, look me in the eye! I’m not done with you little boy! I want an apology!”
We throw to her husband Tony to get his perspective. He pulls out his ear plugs and politely provides an assessment.
“At times I think she’s very, very … loud,” he concludes.
Morena accepts the challenge and proceeds to show us what loud REALLY sounds like.
“No! No! No! Nooooo!” she bellows.
The glass windows in the warehouse shatter from the sonic vibrations.
The commotion provides the perfect distraction for Sierah to get flirty with that mumbling husband Adrian. The camera pans under the table to show limbs rubbing up against each other.
But there’s a catch: it’s pitch black and we can’t really see ... anything. Thanks to News Corp Australia’s cutting-edge technology, we’ve been able to import this footage into Microsoft Paint to provide you with a more clear (blurrier) image of the scene.
There’s only one thing left to say: What the futch?
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
Originally published as James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 12: Wild question about sister in oral sex fight
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