Stop blaming social media and take the phone off your kids

Here we are in the long summer holidays, and if you’re anything like me, once Christmas is done and dusted, you might be counting down the weeks until the kiddos go back to school.

While we love having them around (mostly), school has the routine and structure they need not to lose their tiny minds on devices and in social media.

At the end of the day, it’s up to parents to enforce rules around social media and devices.Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

But if you’ve given your kids no boundaries, education or strategies around social media use and let them have a free-for-all on devices, then it’s probably little wonder they have screen meltdowns, behave poorly, or have engaged with inappropriate content.

A strange thing has happened to parenting in Australia when it comes to devices and social media. As parents, we give our kids these devices and allow them screen time, yet many parents are now pleading with the government and tech giants to make it stop.

I’ve had parents come to me for strategies to help manage their kids who have been up until 2am on their phone, and it’s impacting their lives. Often, these are the same parents who say we need “stronger legislation” from the government and more tech controls from the social media companies.

I have an idea – it’s radical, but stay with me – take the device off them and start putting stronger boundaries in place around device use.

Kids will tell you that they won’t survive if you take a phone off them, but by and large I’ve found that once you enforce the rules, they get used to them in about 10 days. Habits can be hard to break, but they can indeed be broken.

So, for mum and dad (and the grandies), whether you’re separated or together, you need to be singing from the same songbook. While it’s OK to have more relaxed rules during the holidays (I certainly do), rules can and should revert if they are acting entitled or issues start to arise.

I talk to so many parents who are scared to set tech boundaries with their kids when they could very easily just cancel the phone contract, turn off the WiFi and/or throw the phone in the pool. It really is that simple. We are their parents – not their besties.

And if you’re struggling to catch your breath as a parent over the school holidays and giving them some screen time allows you a little bit of adult catch-up time for work and errands, please understand that the juggle is a struggle for everyone. All the time. And especially during the school holidays.

Managing kids and their devices is hard, but as the parent, you’re also the one that’s in control of those devices. Because without a contract, it’s just a plastic box.

And if you’ve led your kids to believe that they’re in control of them, then you really will have a problem on your hands when school goes back and ongoing into the future.

So how can we as parents manage kids’ expectations, while also allowing them to connect with their friends digitally these school holidays?

My teens have gotten used to a “pay per play” system, where they have to earn time on their phones and devices by being helpful humans.

They make their beds, walk the dog, and generally clean up after themselves to earn the right “to get on” and then have to do extra bits and bobs to earn some screen time. This gives them a daily reminder that their phones are a privilege, not a right.

The thing we must remember as parents is that all our kids will make mistakes. Just like we all did as teens. And although we can educate them, we can’t live their lives for them. Making mistakes is unfortunately all part of growing up.

Will my kids stuff up? Almost guaranteed. Plenty of adults certainly behave like Muppets on social media – but at least I know that I have educated my kids the best I can, given them some strategies and made sure they feel heard and supported by me should the proverbial hit the fan.

I know that many parents are thinking the upcoming “ban” on social media for children under 16 will solve the problem.

But I believe that’s just kicking the can down the road, pushing the behaviour underground and off-boarding parenting to the government and tech giants.

So, if your pre-teen or teen is raging out of control or being impacted because you haven’t enforced strong enough boundaries and rules around devices, maybe it’s time to stop blaming social media and look in the mirror.

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