This screwy tool’s name is bringing our marriage to a head

When asking me to grab a Phillips head screwdriver, my wife always asks for “one of those star screwdrivers”. I politely advise her of the correct term, yet she refuses to learn. This wouldn’t bother me so much except our surname is Phillips. Shouldn’t a Phillips be able to remember the correct name for a Phillips head?
R.P., Bentleigh, Vic

Credit: Simon Letch

You’d think so. That’s as weird as Mrs Ferris going to a carnival and wanting to ride on “the big wheely thing with the people going round and round”. Or Mr Foot walking into a podiatrist and saying, “My floor-hands are feeling sore. It’s a genetic thing. The Foot family have always had problems with their floor-hands.”

All I can think is that your wife hates her surname, or she resents being the primary screwdriving person and she’s tormenting you, or she’s just uncomfortable saying the tool’s name out loud. She may be thinking that if she asks for a Phillips head, you’re going to smirk lewdly and say, “Sure thing, Mrs Phillips, and after that I’ll get the screwdriver, haw-haw.” And if that’s the reason, I get it: lots of hardware items have embarrassing names. A few months ago, I went to the hardware store and asked for a self-tapping screw and the guy said, “Next aisle, up against the wall.” I said, “Never mind” and just walked out. Though I did pay for my butt-chisel on the way out, and a long-reach nipple-extractor.

Whatever the reason, tell your wife she should be proud to share a name with a tool that revolutionised the screwdriving industry. She should be running up and down the street, waving her screwdriver in the air, yelling, “My name is Phillips and this is a Phillips head! We gave the world a better non-slip, high-torque, screwing experience!”

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