Do we have to buy a wedding present for a child who eloped?

Our son and his fiancée decided to get married without telling a soul. They announced it at a family gathering two days later. Do we give them a wedding present or simply move on with life?
G.L., North Melbourne, VIC

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

Weddings can be stressful and pricey and complicated, so I get why some couples may choose to opt out – to just get married in a government office, pick up souvlakis on the way home, then spend their honeymoon in front of the TV, watching particularly raunchy episodes of Is it Cake?

But those couples need to realise that if they don’t have a wedding, they don’t get to enjoy the fun wedding stuff. The lasting memory of a milestone event. The joy of celebrating with family and friends. The photos, the outfits, and the sight of a plastered in-law popping a knee on the dance floor while attempting to do the charleston to Daryl Braithwaite’s The Horses.

And they don’t get presents, either: no champagne flutes, no bed linen, no sandwich press, panini press or that highly practical kitchen essential, the waffle press. No bizarre bowl-like thing that may be a soup tureen or a chamber pot – nobody’s sure – but Aunt Brenda found it on Temu for just $6.73.

As a family, you’re probably hurting, feeling shunned, thinking, “If they don’t want our presence, they don’t get our presents” because I sense you’re a witty bunch who enjoy a bit of Noël Coward-esque wordplay. But you must rise above your disappointment and accept that not all couples are into weddings and they shouldn’t be punished for that. Give them something special as a symbol of your enduring, forgiving, accepting love. Something like a generous Oxfam donation in their names: a non-tangible gift for a non-tangible wedding. Meaningful, worthy and tax-deductible.

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