DMing someone on their birthday: Lovely, or lost flexing opportunity?

When it’s someone’s birthday, I usually send a personal message directly to them. Am I then also obliged to join in on all the public sharing of birthday wishes in chat groups? I don’t want other people to think I don’t care, but I also don’t want to wish the same person many happy birthdays.
S.M., Mortlake, NSW

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

A direct message? What are you doing? Why would you waste your precious time penning a heartfelt, personal birthday message if a whole bunch of other people can’t see how heartfelt and personal it is?

Go public. Choose the chat group with the most members or the chat group with the members you’re most desperate to impress – this is competitive birthday-wishing and you’re out to win, win, win! And go early. People only read the first couple of messages on a birthday thread – everything after that just feels like forgetters jumping on the bandwagon, so show that you’re the original and best. About 4am on the day of the birthday feels about right.

Go big. Write a sincere, loving message from the heart, but not using words – emojis say so much more. Use up all the good ones before anyone else can: heart, cake, kisses, disco ball, champagne flutes, dancing woman, dog bone and bowl of pho (the last two are just to keep things cryptic, make everyone else feel like they’re missing out on some hilarious, chummy in-joke). Finally, attach an amusing birthday GIF – something from The Office or just a surly baby eating cake – then send!

Go all out because birthday messaging is no longer about celebrating the birthday celebrator. It’s about celebrating the birthday-wish-sender and showing how they’re a more thoughtful, creative and dear friend than everyone else. And hopefully the celebrator gets something out of it, too. A nice little bonus.

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