Jeremy Finlayson has wished too many times over the past 2½ years that he could change things.
That he could have reversed his then-pregnant partner Kellie’s devastating cancer diagnosis. That he could have removed other versions of that insidious illness that cast shadows over the lives of his two closest friends at the Giants, Zac Williams and Bobby Hill.
Jeremy Finlayson’s suspension for using a homophobic slur has ended.Credit: Ben Searcy
But all of the above were challenges fought and grieved, and still being faced, but beyond his control. What happened 26 nights ago against Essendon at the Adelaide Oval was, says Finlayson, a moment in time he cannot fully explain and one that still keeps him awake at night.
“Every day I wish I could take it all back,” he said. “It’s hard to talk about even now, and I don’t know who I’ve hurt or how many people. I have family members who are gay and friends who are gay.
“I’ve reached out to them all to try to explain I just said something so wrong in the heat of the moment.”
Trying to make sense of the three weeks that have passed since Finlayson became the first AFL player to be suspended for a homophobic slur, the footballer said the days had been “muted” but punctuated by moments of clarity.
There was the moment he came face to face with his club’s AFLW coach, Lauren Arnell, and pleaded with her to understand he was not anti-gay and that his comments in no way reflected his views on the LGBTQ community. And there was the day he and his wife explained to their toddler daughter why her father was not playing football.
There were the two occasions he broke down constructing statements with his media executive Daniel Norton – the second time was after he had vented his frustration for being suspended on his wife’s podcast, a frustration he insists now was aimed squarely at himself.
Even before he had been interviewed by the AFL’s integrity team, Finlayson implored football boss Chris Davies to allow him to address his teammates. “If I didn’t, I knew it would haunt me,” he said.
“I’m next to Travis Boak in the locker room, and like I said, I don’t know whether he has gay friends I might have hurt.
“I was so ashamed, and I knew it wasn’t just about me. I’d dragged them all down a bit. I’d dragged the whole club into this. Every article, every comment it was about Power or Port.”
Vice-captain Zak Butters spoke up after Finlayson’s speech, insisting that every member of the Port Adelaide team needed to undergo education to ensure such an incident was never repeated, and that no member of the gay community would feel unsafe in an AFL environment.
Finlayson said his education would continue beyond his mandated penalty. He said he has no idea why no AFL player has declared his homosexuality, but remains determined to become an influencer for change.
“Eleven per cent of our population is gay, and I’m so devastated to think how many people I’ve hurt,” he said. “I’ve already learned so much from the education I’ve done already, and I just wish it hadn’t taken what I’ve done for me to understand this.”
Finlayson – whom his former bosses at Greater Western Sydney remember as a likeable but shy player who needed counselling for anger-management issues and lapses of concentration (that counselling continues at Port) – still looks shamefaced when trying to explain why he used a word described by him now as too offensive to repeat in conversation.
It was on a night that should have been a great occasion for him and his teammates, and it followed some comments during the week made by the player he sledged.
He said he knew his explanation would sound lame, but that his performances were better when his senses were heightened.
Port Adelaide footy boss Chris Davies.Credit: David Mariuz
Lethargy, said Finlayson, could be his enemy. “When I’m up and going, I play my best footy,” he said, adding, “I still run out every week with things written on my arm like ‘stay calm’ or ‘good teammate’.”
Port had goaled late in the third quarter and Finlayson directed the slur at the Essendon player.
He not only used the homophobic slur, but made reference to the player’s lack of impact in the game and, specifically, his possession count.
Immediately he saw the comment had upset the player, and Finlayson muttered to another Essendon opponent: “I wish I hadn’t said that.”
The look in the Essendon player’s eyes in part prompted Finlayson to self-report to football boss Chris Davies, and after the final siren he apologised to the Essendon player in question.
“I’ve reached out to him and I will again,” said Finlayson. “But I’m only starting to learn about this and there’s a lot more education I need to do.”
‘I’m so devastated to think how many people I’ve hurt.’
Port Adelaide’s Jeremy Finlayson
Port coach Ken Hinkley said Finlayson’s misdemeanour would have no bearing on his return to the side and that any further team conversations or education would continue to be handled by Davies.
“He’s made his mistake, he’s admitted his fault, and he knows he has a lot of work to do to get better,” said Hinkley. “I’m not talking about for the team, or on behalf of the team, but for himself.
“He doesn’t want to be remembered for this.”
Finlayson in action against the Bombers earlier this season.Credit: AFL Photos
It was an emotional Finlayson who spoke at length to this masthead about his worst football act on a sunny Adelaide Tuesday shortly after Port’s last full training session before the round-eight Showdown. The power of his poor choice of words shocked him at the time, but even more so after his first session with Pride Cup chief executive Hayley Conway.
“I’m an Indigenous boy,” he said. “I know what it’s like to be hurt.
“The minute, seconds after I said it, I knew it had affected him. I knew straight away I could see he wasn’t right with it. It’s hard to talk about even now. It still hurts me today, and it will hurt me for the rest of my life.”
Desperate to return to the team while clear that good form and victory against his club’s biggest rival would not redeem him, Finlayson remains a good chance but no certainty to play this week due to the impressive form of Mitch Georgiades on Tuesday’s training track.
Connor Rozee and Zak Butters lead their side off the ground after their win over St Kilda.Credit: AFL Photos
The reality of his punishment, which was headlined by a three-match suspension but also includes an extensive menu of education led by senior members of the LGBTQ community, is that the entire Port Adelaide playing list has been fast-tracked to enlist in the same courses, a decision driven at player level by Butters and skipper Connor Rozee.
Finlayson has begged Arnell to set up sessions with her AFLW charges and has offered to speak with any women players who remain devastated by his comments. “She dragged me into the gym and gave me a cuddle and said she could see my remorse,” Finlayson said.
“I’m not a great speaker, but I’d like to get to the point of being able to speak to people and try to help them learn from my mistake. I was thinking after speaking with Hayley [Conway] – imagining if we could create a pride round for the entire competition.”
Finlayson realises his comments might raise eyebrows, given his slur during Gather Round, but he added: “I’m just shocked at what I’ve learned in a short space of time. Like I said, I’d love to be able to do something positive out of this.”
Norm Smith medallist Bobby Hill was one of Jeremy Finlayson’s closest friends at the Giants.Credit: Getty Images
Although Finlayson keeps returning to the reality that he is not looking for excuses, he discusses, when asked, the devastating journey which has punctuated his life since 2021.
His two closest friends at GWS were Williams, whose sister Sam, also a close friend, died of cancer last June, and Hill. Finlayson, the new Port Adelaide player, was hanging a door at his new house just minutes from Alberton when Kellie told him that Hill had been diagnosed with testicular cancer.
Williams, now at Carlton, and Collingwood’s Hill, the reigning Norm Smith medallist, have been in constant touch since his homophobic slur during Gather Round. His closest confidant and biggest supporter in recent weeks at Port, Sam Powell-Pepper, suffered a season-ending knee injury against St Kilda last Friday.
‘I’m not a great speaker, but I’d like to get to the point of being able to speak to people and try to help them learn from my mistake.’
Jeremy Finlayson
“The last 2½ years ... It’s been a rollercoaster few years,” said the now 28-year-old, whose wife Kellie’s cancer diagnosis took place late in the couple’s pregnancy. A public advocate for awareness of the illness, which began in her bowel and has spread to her lungs, Kellie is in Darwin working on a book about her journey but was returning to Adelaide for the Adelaide-Port clash.
Finlayson said his wife, a Port Lincoln girl who met the young GWS Academy product when she was in Sydney for a Justin Bieber concert, recently ceased chemotherapy and radiation treatment and has embarked on alternative treatments.
Kellie’s mother, Jane Gardner, who suffers serious health problems of her own, lives with the couple and 2½-year-old Sophia to help with the demands of their daily existence, which Finlayson knows remains fragile.
Of the future, he said only: “I don’t let myself think about it.” But he will not forget in a hurry breaking the news to his wife on the Friday night during round four that he might be “in deep trouble”.
“Kellie’s fighting for her life,” said Finlayson, “and for this to happen to her too when she’s done nothing ... She’s been more just supportive, and we’ve talked about it a lot at home.
“We’ve explained it to our daughter and even though she’s only two, she knows that Daddy is in trouble – that Daddy did something bad and that he used a naughty word. We need to keep explaining that to her as she grows up.”
On Tuesday, when he spoke with this masthead, Finlayson was hopeful of returning to the senior side for Thursday night’s Showdown, where he fully expected – if playing – to be on the worst of the receiving end of the Crows home crowd, reminding him of what he said during the Essendon game.
“I’ve been copping it for three weeks since I’ve done it,” he said, shrugging. “Like I said, it’s not about what I’m going to have to put up with – it’s what I did to hurt so many people.
“They can say what they want to say – I know what I need to do. In footy, I want to win for this club, I want to pay them back. If I can control my role in the team ... I’ve done the wrong thing and I’ve got to control what comes my way.
“And after that, it’s not going to be about what I did, but what I do to correct it. If I can drag people along in that, I’ll drag people along.
“I don’t want people to go through what I went through, and I don’t want other people to go through that feeling of pain that I might have caused.”
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