Kids make it look easy, so why is making friends as adults so hard?
Sophia Quah moved to Sydney from Hong Kong towards the end of high school, when most of her classmates had already established the deep-seated friendships that she was hoping to find at her new school.
It meant that when she started university in 2023, she was especially focused on flexing her social muscle. Now in her third year of studies, Quah found friends by joining a handful of social groups at the University of Technology Sydney, varying from consulting clubs to the mahjong society. Key to her success was choosing groups that aligned with her interests.
Sophia Quah moved to Australia towards the end of high school, and unlike many of her peers, took proactive steps to make friends as an early adult.Credit: Peter Rae
The first society she approached was the Malaysian and Singaporean Student Association (MASSA), with an interest in the culture - both her parents are Malaysian - just outweighing reservations about how she might mesh with students she assumed were born and raised in the South-east Asian countries.
“I’ve never lived in Malaysia or Singapore, nor have I been that close to culture there, so I thought I’d join and see what it’s like, and the person at the stall was in a very similar situation to me - he was from Hong Kong, parents are Malaysian, but he had never lived in Malaysia before,” Quah recalled.
“That made me very excited - I was unsure at first but then realising someone else had a very similar situation to myself made it very easy.”
The gamble paid off for Quah. But forging new friendships in adulthood – whether you are new to university, the workplace or the neighbourhood – can be challenging as newcomers seek to break into existing social circles, some of which were laid down in childhood. However, continuing to make new friends over a lifetime is essential to maintaining a sense of well-being and connection.
One-third of Australians experience loneliness, with those in their teens and early twenties more likely to feel lonely than any other age group in Australia.
Beyond Blue clinical psychologist and spokesperson Luke Martin said a diverse set of social interactions, from quality time with friends to small talk in a coffee queue, is vital to feeling connected.
Luke Martin, a clinical psychologist at Beyond Blue, says a cluster of social changes that “gradually crept up” in the past 50 years bears some responsibility for the increased loneliness experienced today.
“We’ve slightly dialled down this sense of connection to our community – we don’t gather around churches as often, we don’t volunteer as often as we used to,” Martin says.
“Loneliness often comes off the back of transitions and life events, and young people go through a lot of those. Whether you’re moving cities to go to university or you’re starting a new job, you’re [often] forced to leave your old networks and start a new one when you’re a young person.”
Connecting with like-minded people through community or volunteer groups, whether they are sporting clubs, book groups or special interest meet-ups like craft groups, is among Martin’s recommendations for forging adult friendships.
Participants report greater success making connections when they choose groups that genuinely reflect their interests, and where they turn up regularly. While you might be in a rush to settle in quickly, it pays to give new friendships time to develop.
Associate Professor Michelle Lim, chief executive of Ending Loneliness Together, says it is also worth doing some personal reflection before looking outward.
“We often don’t have good insight as to what actually drives our own loneliness, and actually being able to find a confidant and investigating this [yourself] is also quite important because if we know what those drivers are, they can potentially be addressed right off the bat,” Lim said. “It’s not one-size-fits-all, it’s about what would work for you.”
Zena Burgess, Australian Pyschological Society chief executive, says open and honest communication are among the factors underpinning healthy adult friendships, noting that holding space for uncomfortable conversations may also deepen companionship.
“It is important to make time for friendships, especially given their significant benefit to our mental health and overall wellbeing,” Burgess said.
While it is tempting in a digital age, experts caution against excessive online modes of connection, with Martin suggesting it acts as a “double-edged sword” for Australians seeking social interaction.
“Those online relationships can be really helpful, but I think we also need to balance that with face-to-face interactions, where we’re making eye contact and in the same room as someone – we still have a really deep need for those as well,” Martin said.
“It does take a bit of courage to put yourself out there, but it’s really important to break that downward spiral that can happen when you are feeling lonely.”
Max Miller, whose final years of high school were interrupted by COVID, considers meaningful friendships as important as shelter and nutrition.Credit: Rhett Wyman
Max Miller, a 21-year-old whose final years of high school were marred by COVID interruptions and remote learning, compares the importance for meaningful connection with the basic requirements of survival, such as eating and shelter.
“I find value in meeting people that I have no connection with, or have a connection by one or two degrees,” Miller says. “As you come into adulthood, especially early on, a lot of the artificial barriers around in high school begin to drop.”
Miller’s sentiment is shared by Caitlin Mah-Soeung, a student who met her three closest friends by “actively putting myself out there” at university.
A mixed diet of social connection, from quality family time to small talk in the coffee queue, are also often overlooked opportunities to stave off loneliness on a daily basis.
“I’d encourage people to have a variety of social interactions,” she says.
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