Ortiz anchovies. Maldon sea salt. Mutti passata. All these are in my fridge or pantry right now, and all came from Costco. There’s also a carton of Fever-Tree Tonic, way too much toum, and Le Dauphin Double Creme cheese. Live Goolwa pipis, too, DeZhuang Chongqing Noodles, and a massive bag of frozen okra I have no idea what to do with, but it was only $11 for 2.5 kilograms, so how can you not?

For a long time, I thought Costco was just like Aldi, only much bigger and sometimes cheaper, and … did somebody say it sold coffins? It does, plus prescription glasses, front-load washing machines, massage chairs, scented chalk sticks, laminate flooring, herbal supplements, badminton nets, alto saxophones and Lance Franklin’s autobiography.

The US-based chain has 15 warehouses in Australia, and since the first location opened in Docklands, Melbourne in 2009, I’ve found myself shopping at Costco with increasing frequency. As the brands and fresh produce improve, it’s gone from a once-every-four-years novelty to monthly excursion. With so many items sold in bulk, it’s also the go-to any time a party needs catering.

Stocked items and specials change weekly, but here are a few of my favourite constants from recent visits.

Kirkland Christmas Fruitcake, 1.7kg, $23.99

Costco’s house-baked cakes and pastries vary wildly in quality. I haven’t tried them all – and suspect the humongous apple pie and mini custard-filled doughnuts could be worth a punt – but I can say that the pain au chocolates and turnovers are dry, and the madeleines, too cakey. The Portuguese tart has a beaut filling considering it costs $18 a dozen, but the pastry’s texture isn’t far removed from Gyprock. The new fruitcake, however, is legitimately well done (albeit a little greasy), with high levels of moisture, cherries, sultanas and currants. An almost aggressive amount of pecans, hazelnuts and walnuts holds your interest with each bite, too.

Meredith Dairy Marinated Goat Cheese, 550g, $15.99

Because I like to slather this stuff on toast like my grandmother ices finger buns, I try not to have it in the house too often. When I do buy it though, I’ll buy it from Costco, which sells “the big jar” for $5 less than other major retailers.

Wookey Hole Cave Aged Traditional West Country Farmhouse Cheddar, 400g, $15.49

This could easily be a “Best Costco Cheese” list. Honourable mentions go to the “Selected by Will Studd” Le Dauphin Petit Double Creme, Maffra Mature Cheddar, Udder Delights Single Herd Triple Cream Brie, and a 15-month-old Comte. It’s this cheddar I keep coming back to though, made by Ford Farm Cheesemakers in Dorset, England. Super buttery, slightly nutty, quite tangy and nicely salty. One for pairing with the fruitcake above, or a cabernet sauvignon and Christmas Vacation.

Takumi Japanese Chicken Gyoza, 1.2kg, $23.99

How good is it when you’re pressed for dinner-cooking time and suddenly remember “Oh yeah, we have those dumplings in the freezer!” Bulk-buy dumplings are about crowd-pleasing flavour rather than the finer points of pleating, and these Australian-made gyozas nail the brief. Praise be to oyster sauce, sesame oil and MSG.

Spring Bay Australian Blue Mussels, 2kg, $14.99

There’s a decent smorgasbord of pre-packaged fresh seafood at Costco these days, from the good (whole tropical snapper), the bad (farmed salmon) to the ugly (sorry, pre-shucked oysters which look like they were blown out of the bunyip’s nose). This “catering pack” of pot-ready sustainable mussels must be the best value though, and if you have some pasta, olive oil, capers and cream on hand, you’ve got a banging meal to feed six for less than $30.

Mutti Passata, 6 x 700g, $19.99

There’s a lot to be said for old friends and ancient relatives getting together every summer, when tomatoes are at their peak, and making enough passata to supply red sauces for the rest of the year. Still, the convenience of buying and stashing a case of silky Mutti isn’t without its merits either. The same sized jar retails for $4.80 at Coles.

Maldon Sea Salt Flakes, 1.4kg, $31.99

Six months after purchase, I’m still nowhere near the bottom of this sexy salt bucket, and gosh knows I’ve been using it to season everything my kitchen bench touches. (Everything except hot chips that is, which need a finer-grained table salt that will really cling to them.) Buy the same amount of Maldon in 250-gram boxes elsewhere, and expect to pay about $60.

Evergreen Original Tofu Regular Firm, 2 x 900g, $7.99

Gee, this is cheap. And versatile! From mapo tofu in winter, to healthy noodle soups in summer, it’s just nice to have a sealed tub of the stuff around. Also, there are few more satisfying kitchen jobs than slicing blocks of tofu into smaller cubes.

Kirkland Marinated Beef Bulgogi, $19.99 per kg

These spindly strips of chuck beef are marinated with soy sauce, garlic and pear juice, and I’ll usually divide the two-kilogram tub into sandwich bags and freeze for ultra-quick dinners down the track. A healthy Tuesday night favourite with kimchi, cauliflower rice and spring onion.

Jongga Naturally Fermented Kimchi, 1.2kg, $8.99

Speaking of fermented napa cabbage, Jongga might not be the most artisan kimchi on the market, but it’s still totally worth whacking in the trolley, especially at that price. I keep kimchi around for gut health and microbiome reasons, but most of it ends up in toasted cheese jaffles, which is not quite what the gastroenterologist ordered.

Diamantina Organic Beef Mince, 3 x 500g, $29.99

Kirkland is Costco’s home-brand, and you’ll see its label on a lot of the onsite butcher’s meat. I can’t bring myself to buy the Kirkland beef mince for $9.99 a kilogram, as that just seems too cheap, and multinational retailers should have more respect for cows. This organic beef from outback Queensland, though? Sold! Plus the bundle of three separate portions is great for freezing and grabbing a packet whenever bolognese calls.

Birch & Waite Premium Burger Sauce, 1L, $13.99

A gherkin-y, mustard-y sauce of requisite tang, engineered to enhance any burger party. You can find 120-slice bulk packs of taxi cab-yellow American cheese in the same chilled aisle (for burgers, sometimes processed is best), and the Diamantina organic mince (above) can form a top-notch pattie. Bypass Costco’s too-sweet “brioche-style” buns, however, and track down a few eight-packs of Martin’s Famous Potato Rolls instead.

Calvisius Tradition Caviar, 30g, $79.99

Of course, Costco sells caviar too. Is it the best caviar you’ll ever hoover off the back of your hand? Probably not, but it’s still the cured eggs of a white sturgeon harvested in Italy, and you get a mother-of-pearl spoon to boot. If, like me, you can’t afford the super high-end gear, this is a great caviar option for topping oysters (delicious) and fried chicken (even better).

Wynns Coonawarra Estate “The Siding” 2021 Cabernet Sauvignon, 750ml, $10.49

And I thought this was cracking value when Dan Murphy’s had it at $14. One of Wynns’ more “approachable” wines, there’s still enough plush fruit and character to justify buying a case and having it on hand for Monday-night steaks, or whenever the neighbours drop by and don’t bring a bottle of their own. If you ever wanted to start ageing wine, Wynns cabernet sauvignon is a terrific option to kick off a cellar. Just lay down a few bottles in a cool, dark space, and forget about them for the next dozen years.

Finally, a quick note on the Costco chicken: better-seasoned rotisserie chooks exist. But at $6.99 each, you won’t find a cheaper barbecued chicken anywhere, which is probably why I once saw a customer buying 20 at once, all neatly lined up in their little plastic coffins in a massive Costco trolley. It was all a bit much, really.

In any case, you can still buy five chickens and two bags of dinner rolls ($8.99 per 36-roll bag!) and feed the masses for just over 50 bucks. Take that, loaves and fishes.