Jill Poulsen: How to navigate the strange culture of dog parks

For so many, owning a dog starts out normal, but next thing you know you’re saying words like “fur baby” aloud. That’s the truly bizarre and transformative power of the dog park, writes Jill Poulsen.

I knew I crossed the fine line from dog owner to dog mum when I asked my photographer friend to do a photoshoot of us in matching denim jackets.

Although she was happy to do it and agreed the image would transfer nicely onto a bedspread, I didn’t follow through for two reasons.

Firstly, it was almost 35 degree weather and the RSPCA would be well within their rights to ask me why I was making a dog wear a denim jacket in the middle of summer.

Secondly, I woke up to myself.

I’d never wanted to go down the road of being the kind of person who gets upset Bunnings won’t let them wheel their dog around in a baby carrier, but it was probably a line I’d been flirting with for a while.

Like when the neighbour came over to tell me Lou had been having a sad howl while I was out gallivanting and I bawled my eyes out to him about how hard it was looking after her on my own.

Then there was the time I got offended the vet said she was a “bit spongy” around the ribs and needed to drop a few kilos.

People can get very strange when it comes to their dogs. Picture: Jeff J Mitchell/Getty

After the visit I sat Lou down to explain the harms of arthritis.

It went like this: “You’re an excellent dog, and your weight doesn’t define you, but it’s vital you stop eating people’s entire cheeseboards at the beach if you want to be able to fetch a ball past the age of ten. I love you.”

The failed photoshoot forced me to spend a bit of time thinking about how I went from someone who just wanted a dog to walk to someone who thought they were raising a precious fur baby.

Obviously, there were a lot of red flags but if I was to blame one particular thing for sending me down this path of irrationality, it’s dog parks.

If you, like me, were unaware that taking your dog to a dog park can be more stressful than a trip to Aldi when they have Dysons on sale, here are some handy hints on how to navigate the strange culture of dog parks.

Balls

If someone brings their own ball/toy for their dog your dog should not chase it once it’s thrown.

I don’t know how you teach them to decipher the difference between an old manky tennis ball and someone’s ergonomically designed, handcrafted ball from a farmer’s market but I know for a fact it is an expectation for any “responsible dog owner”.

Breed discrimination is a thing. Just ask the people at Crufts. Picture: Oli Scarff/AFP

Breed discrimination

It is as ridiculous as it sounds but breed discrimination is a thing.

In the same way I laugh at a Pug who can’t catch his breath after a 20 second run other owners will judge your dog based on its breed.

Plenty of people have been nipped by a blue heeler puppy so Lou already faces her fair share of prejudice in the dog park community.

And while I admit that she looks intimidating when she is chasing terrified dogs and herding them into fence corners, I have also been forced to comfort her after she was beaten up by a Chihuahua.

We’re both scarred from that encounter.

Hers in the form of a little nick on her face, mine’s more emotional.

It’s not nice to realise the animal you feed, vaccinate and love unconditionally would not actually have your back if an intruder came into your home.

Especially if they bought a weapon with them, like a small dog in a handbag.

You really can’t judge a dog based on its fur … or size.

Humping

You don’t have to be a dog behaviour expert to know dogs like to hump.

But if your dog is a humper and picks the wrong target – say for example the dog of a master who has spent the equivalent of a home deposit on canine accessories – you could find yourself dealing with a very uncomfortable conversation.

From what I hear it’s a humbling experience trying to explain to a highly-strung owner that your dog is not a sexual deviant, they’re just, you know, an animal.

No, it’s not a baby. Picture: Fabio De Paola/PA via AP

Making friends

If you get into the habit of going to the same dog park you’re bound to start seeing the same people.

You might even make dog park friends but it’s very important that before you rush into anything like switching mobile numbers you carefully consider who you’re getting yourself caught up with.

From past experience I know it’s important for me not to spend too long talking to people who refer to their dogs as babies.

Otherwise I catch myself saying things like “Lou, Mummy has asked you a million times not to growl at others like you’re going to attack them. Please show some respect before I call the council rangers myself.”

These days I only engage with the people who are sitting down having a coffee and looking at their phone.

They’re more my speed.

They don’t really care if their dog gets in a scrap, certainly don’t care whose ball is whose and usually laugh when their dogs receives unwanted romantic attention.

I also find they’re generally more interested in me talking ad nauseam about how I adopted my dog and what a good person that makes me.

If you have to talk to strangers in the dog park to make the whole experience less stressful best to find ones that inflate your ego rather than the ones who are wearing matching outfits with their pooches.

Head to dogsofoz.com.au to cast your vote for Australia’s Top Dog.

Originally published as Jill Poulsen: How to navigate the strange culture of dog parks