‘It’s better to have one parent raising a child than to have two’: The rise of solo mums by choice
Rachel Toyer wanted a child, but not a relationship. Now as a solo mum, she says one parent is better than two – and only wishes she did it earlier.
SA News
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Two-year-old Arlo Toyer does not have a dad – he has a solo mum.
When Rachel Toyer gave birth to her son she was alone besides a work colleague she had in the delivery room in case she became unconscious.
“I didn’t want them to hold my hand … I just wanted them there in case I died or became unconscious to make decisions on my behalf,” the 40-year-old said.
She said she was “empowered” by her decision to “do it on her own”.
“I tried to have relationships – I got married, I got engaged, I was a quasi stepmum, like I actually tried all the different things and then I thought what else can I possibly do?” the Goodwood mum said.
Ms Toyer, who shares her life as a solo mum to her 4400 Instagram followers at @solo_mum_survival, is among the one in 10 women going through IVF treatments and sperm donation choosing to be a solo mum.
According to medical director at Repromed and professor of reproductive medicine at Flinders University Kelton Tremellen prior to 2017 South Australia law required a woman to have “medically defined infertility” in order to access fertility treatment services.
“This basically meant she had to have a medical issue impeding natural conception, not social infertility caused by a lack of male partner,” he said.
“That was recognised as discriminatory so the legislation was modified to allow same sex couples and single women to access donor sperm services.”
After going through a divorce when she was 31, Ms Toyer discovered she was “not suited for a relationship with a man” and begun the journey to become a solo mum.
“I kept trying to look into this as an option and then it was too much hard work and I thought I was setting a precedent,” she said.
“I had no idea that there are other women doing it and so I really struggled.”
She didn’t end up pregnant for another six years.
Upon reflection Ms Toyer wished she’d gone through this journey when she was 25.
“I should have made this decision a decade before I did,” she said.
“It shouldn’t have been the last choice, for me it should have been the first.
“I just didn’t think that there was a way to have a baby without a man.”
Now operating life as a solo mum Ms Toyer said she believes “it is better to have one parent raising a child than to have two”.
“When there’s more than one person raising a child, you’re always compromising, somebody is always compromising and thinking ‘this isn’t how we should do it’,” she said.
“One parent raising a child creates consistency.
“I’m not saying everyone should be a solo parent but definitely if you were to look at me being a solo parent versus me in a relationship having a child, 100 per cent guarantee that I’m a better parent and my son’s getting a better experience of life because I’m a solo parent not despite it, because of it.”
The educator said if you’re in a relationship with someone and that relationship makes you compromise what you believe is best for the child she “doesn’t think that’s the best type of parent”.
“You do not need two parents to make good decisions for a child you just need one,” she said.
“If anything as soon as you put more than one parent making decisions you’re more likely … to create problems.”
For Ms Toyer the social stigma of having a baby alone was what stopped her from going through the process at 25.
“The only way I thought I could end up being a parent on my own was through divorce,” she said.
“To me, I was almost reconciled at 25 that I was going to probably get married, probably get divorced and be a single mum.”
Despite the stigma, Ms Toyer gave birth to Arlo in September 2020.
Ms Toyer believes she has “a better experience than many married or partnered women”.
“There was never any compromise on timing or situations, everything I do, I do on my own terms, I don’t have to co-ordinate it with some else’s calendar or needs or desires,” she said.
“It’s just non-stop compromise with a partner.”
When Ms Toyer brought Arlo home, her brother drove her with her nieces in the car.
“When we got to the door of my house I actually said, ‘guys can you wait outside because I want to take the baby to meet my cat’, because that was our family,” she said.
In the early days of Arlo’s life Ms Toyer was overcome with friends and family wanting to be a part of all of Arlo’s “special moments”.
“I actually had to ask people not to be part of those moments because I wanted them to myself and my son,” she said.
Ms Toyer said her experience as a solo mum had been “100 per cent positive”.
“I think the best way to parent a kid is to love them and do whatever is best for them,” she said.
“Whether you are one woman, one man, three men, three women, whatever you are, whatever the combination is, all that should matter is you love that child.”
When Arlo turned two he became conscious that there were dads.
“He could articulate that he didn’t have a dad,” Ms Toyer said.
Now Arlo will very happily tell you he doesn’t have a dad.
Ms Toyer is apart of the a Facebook group of solo mums by choice who meet up to go on camping trips and play-dates.
“He (Arlo) know, by name, at least 20 kids and by association hundreds of children who don’t have dads,” she said.
“He doesn’t know any different, he thinks that in the world there are children who have dads and children who don’t have dads, he knows he’s the one that doesn’t have a dad.”
Rise of the solo mum
Doctor at Adelaide Obstetrics and Fertility Simona Fischer said when she opened her clinic in 2003 solo mums by choice were not very common.
“One of my dear friends has an 18-year-old son and is a solo mum by choice, this was certainly not the norm at the time,” she said.
“Now the pregnancy rates for solo mums has gone up to about 10 per cent of all IVF treatments.”
Dr Fischer said the rise of solo mums by choice can be attributable to the breakdown of the “traditional” family unit over time.
“Despite what celebrity stories out there tell us, there is a genuine biological age for our ovaries and a woman’s fertile window does not last forever,” Dr Fischer said.
“Rather than waiting for ‘someone special’ to come along, some are choosing to take matters into their own very capable hands.”
Prof Tremellen said the process to become a solo mum by choice involves “mandated counselling, genetic and gynaecological screening of the woman, plus the fertility treatment process itself”.
“Becoming a single mum by choice is difficult and it is preferable for both the mother and prospective child to have family support,” he said.
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Originally published as ‘It’s better to have one parent raising a child than to have two’: The rise of solo mums by choice
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