‘It’s not selfish’: Three women share their decision to be childfree by choice

More and more women are choosing not to be mothers, despite being in loving long-term relationships. Here they share why.

For Rosita Bannervich, it’s a question she gets regularly. But there’s one time she will never forget.

Just moments after saying her wedding vows, a family friend congratulated her on the milestone before immediately asking “So, babies next?”

“We had only just got married and I was already getting the question,” explains the social worker. “I’ve never had a massive desire to be a mother. I waited for the biological clock to start ticking but it never did.”

For the 39-year-old, she admits her decision to be childfree was one that evolved over the years.

“It’s never been a hard yes to become a parent – so for my husband and I, that is a no,” she tells.

“It’s a decision that some people find hard to understand. Society wants you to get married and then have kids. Many people feel pressured so they just do it.”

Rosita Bannervich says she never felt the maternal instinct to have children – but loves her nieces and nephews. Picture: Supplied

Mrs Bannervich and her husband of two years, Anton, are hardly alone in their decision not to have children. Notably childfree is different to childless – which is not having children due to circumstance, often down to infertility.

In 2022, the Australian Bureau of Statistics found that one in four households are now childfree.

In fact, Australia currently ranks eighth highest in the world when measuring countries with the most childfree couples, with Spain taking the top spot.

And despite August 1 being officially International Childfree Day since the late 1970s, it has gained more traction in recent years with the rise of the Australian family ideal of 2.4 children being rejected.

‘Women can be child-free and live a very happy and very fulfilled life’

So, why are more and more women choosing not to have children? A 2022 study by Deakin University in Melbourne found a lack of maternal instinct was the most common reason.

That’s something that resonates with Mrs Bannervich. “I have a lot of really lovely girlfriends and that’s what they’ve always wanted to do. They couldn’t wait to be a mum. It’s just never felt like that for me,” she says.

A recent survey of childfree women in the US also highlighted a focus on career, a fear of overpopulation and even a responsibility to climate change were driving factors.

Liluella Walsh feels a responsibility to 'not bring a child into an overcrowded planet'.

Liluella Walsh explains that she and her partner of 17 years have always known they didn’t want to be parents, and that decision has only grown stronger as they’ve got older.

“It became clearer as an adult, and the reasons included the cost – financial, ecological and psychological,” Ms Walsh shares.

“Not wanting to lose the joy and freedom in my relationship, and wanting to develop my relationship with my partner fully, and not wanting to bring a child into an overcrowded, polluted and unstable planet.”

The 40-year-old peer mentor from Kangaroo Island confesses that her friends and family are largely supportive of her decision but she still finds it challenging how many people tell her she would make a “great mother”.

“Those words are not enough to change my mind and I find it upsetting to justify to others why I don’t have children,” she says.

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Renee Malbut-McHale and partner, Nathan, both knew early they didn't want to be parents

For Renee Malbut-McHale, she admits that childfree women largely face large misconceptions, with many believing it is down to a dislike of children or, more concerningly, being selfish.

“I actually love children,” she explains. “And it makes me quite cross that label of being selfish. I feel my decision is the exact opposite of selfish.

“Not having my own children allows me more time to spend with other children in my life, helping family and friends when they need it.”

In fact, the 36 year old from the northern suburbs volunteers extensively within the community, as both a sporting coach for children and an education mentor.

“There are many ways to contribute positively to society. Being a mother isn’t the only measure of a woman’s value or a magic pass to selflessness,” the project manager adds.

Ms Malbut-McHale admits she knew early that she didn’t want to become a mother.

When she met her partner, Nathan Rout-Pitt, six years ago they had “the chat” after just a few dates.

“He said to me, ‘Just so you know, I don’t want to get married and I don’t want to have children’. And I told him I don’t care about either of those things either. It was a very respectful conversation,” she says.

Renee believes women should be empowered to make their own decisions about their future.

Ms Malbut-McHale credits coming from a family of “very strong women” in helping her stand by her decision to be childfree despite the pressures women face to be married and to have children.

“It is always a cautionary tale,” she explains. “But it’s important to realise that women can be child-free and live a very happy and very fulfilled life.”

In the last year, this is a sentiment that can be heard loud and clear on social media. At last count, #childfree has been mentioned just over 330,000 times on Instagram alone.

And late last year, a Sydney woman simply known as ‘Maria’ listed all the reasons she didn’t want to become a mother in a TikTok video that went viral.

Associate Professor Barbara Baird, who specialises in Women’s & Gender Studies at Flinders University, points out it is often women who bear the brunt of judgement for being childfree.

And in, turn, this social media trend is largely driven by women doubling down on their decision not to have children, sharing pictures of themselves on holiday in exotic locations or with a cocktail in hand, tagged with #childfreebychoice.

“Women should be able to determine their own futures and, of course, it should be perfectly okay for this to mean no kids, with no judgement. It is extremely unfair that being child free is ‘an issue’ for women when it is not an issue for men,” the Associate Professor states.

Ms Malbut-McHale couldn’t agree more, adding, “I think choice is the most important thing. It is great if you want to be a mum, and you should be empowered and supported to do that.

“But you should also be empowered and supported to be childfree. Motherhood isn’t mandatory for every woman.”

Originally published as ‘It’s not selfish’: Three women share their decision to be childfree by choice