Dr Justin Coulson on ways to create happier, more resilient children

Parenting is not easy but there is at least one mistake we all make and yet we rarely seem to learn from it.

As the academic year resumes and parents do that familiar dance of trying to get their kids to reach their potential while not pouring on the pressure, it is worth considering a few home truths.

I am not a parenting expert, but I am a parent and I did that dance for so long my legs nearly fell off.

It’s as if you’re walking on nails at times, eggshells at others, trying to show tough love but also tread gently so your child doesn’t develop overblown anxiety, rebel (too much) or hate you (any more than a typical teenager).

TV parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson. Picture: Lachie Millard

Friends, it’s painful and exhausting – and now that my son is 23 and making his own way, I feel I cannot only take my foot off the pedal but wonder if I should have been slamming it down so hard in the first place.

There were probably tears I needn’t have shed, fights we could have avoided, but when you’re living through it, it can be all consuming.

You want your child to shoot for the stars and catch them.

You want them to surpass you in their achievements.

However, at the end of the day, it’s their life, not yours.

Once you accept this, in my case at least, the relationship relaxes again, rekindling sentiments of gentler days before career choices became priorities.

I had a good talk to Justin Coulson recently. He is co-host of TV show Parental Guidance and founder of happyfamilies.com.au.

Sadly, the reason for our conversation was the November 6 suicide of his nephew Logan Steinwede.

As I reported on Sunday, the family didn’t see any signs that Logan, a popular surfer on the cusp of turning professional, was struggling to such a degree.

Dr Coulson, a father of six daughters, said Logan was a “super happy kid” and the lad’s family, in particular his mum Karina Foran, supported him completely.

As the interview progressed, we broadened the scope, unpacking the complex issue of suicide and also why some people may put unhelpful pressure on their children.

Aspiring professional surfer Logan Steinwede took his own life late last year. Photo: Jaxson Steinwede/Instagram.

Speaking generally, Dr Coulson said: “We’ve created a society that is not healthy for our kids. “It is increasingly individualistic and competitive, and the stakes feel higher, you feel more pressure, everyone is judging you, and they look like they’ve got it together because of what you see on their Instagram.”

But he said if you don’t know “how to recalibrate” yourself, it is hard to live a healthy life.

If you break up with a partner, fail a school exam or don’t get into the university course you want – these kinds of things can be life destroying for a person without learned resilience.

Parents and mentors play a huge part. And here’s where we often stuff up, despite best intentions.

Dr Coulson, who has a PhD in psychology, said we shouldn’t be telling kids to “get it together”.

“We know that young people, boys in particular, don’t get to that point until mid to late twenties at best – it’s just unfair to expect otherwise.”

Fact: our brains don’t fully develop until we’re almost 30.

Dr Coulson said when he runs parenting sessions at schools, he asks adults a series of questions.

Firstly, do they want their child to fulfil their potential? Every hand in the room goes up.

Secondly, do they believe they’ve fulfilled their own potential?

“Everyone laughs uncomfortably and then goes quiet – it’s uncomfortable because no one ever does,” he said.

“We are learning as we grow into our thirties, fifties, seventies so how unfair is it to say,

Karina Foran, mother of Logan Steinwede who suicided on November 6. Picture: Nigel Hallett

‘You’re 17 or you’re 21, what are you going to do with your life?’”

Finally Dr Coulson asks parents: “Are you still doing today what you thought you would be doing when you left high school?”

Usually around 20 percent of adults raise their hand – leaving a whopping 80 percent who’ve changed course.

“We put all this pressure on kids to know what they want – it’s just crap,” he said.

Through his work, Dr Coulson often meets kids battling anxiety and depression – and there can be a common cause.

“I see kids who are disconnected from their parents and can’t meet their expectations,” he said.

“If you’re a parent lucky enough to have your kids around, taking the pressure off will be good for them and good for you.”

Amen to that.

LOVE

Graham Quirk back contributing to public life. The former Brisbane mayor will head the critical review into venues for the 2032 Olympic and Paralympic Games. Fitting as Quirk led the charge to host the games well before Annastacia Palaszczuk got involved.

LOATHE

Government dithering about the empty Pinkenba quarantine facility. Last June Housing Minister Meaghan Scanlon pledged $10m to turn the 500-bed site into temporary accommodation but the Federal Department of Finance, which owns it, won’t commit.

Kylie Lang is associate editor of The Courier-Mail
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Originally published as Dr Justin Coulson on ways to create happier, more resilient children