Parenting expert Justin Coulson opens up on life after suicide of nephew Logan Steinwede

The shocking death of a well-known surfer and ‘super happy kid’ will forever haunt his devastated family, with his mother and parenting expert uncle now opening up on the ripple effect of a suicide neither saw coming. | WHAT NOT TO SAY

The shocking death of a well-known surfer and “super happy kid” will forever haunt his devastated family, with his mother and parenting expert uncle telling of the cruel ripple effect of a suicide neither saw coming.

Logan Steinwede died on November 6, leaving the 20-year-old’s loved ones without answers.

All that remains is grief – crashing into them like the waves Logan once conquered.

Speaking exclusively to the Sunday Mail, a heartbroken Karina Foran and her older brother Justin Coulson, who has a PhD in psychology, said Logan’s death blindsided them.

Aspiring professional surfer Logan Steinwede took his own life last November. Picture: Jaxson Steinwede/Instagram

Dr Coulson co-hosts TV show Parental Guidance and is the founder of happyfamilies.com.au.

He has written nine books about raising children and has talked about suicide previously on social media, where two of his videos have been viewed a combined 80 million times.

“Logan was a super happy kid and on the cusp of turning professional,” said Dr Coulson, who often surfed with his nephew.

“Nobody in the family had any hint it was coming. We can draw a line through a whole lot of things, but as for a trigger, we just don’t know.”

Dr Coulson, a 48-year-old Mooloolaba father of six daughters, said before Logan suicided – at his maternal grandparents’ house on the NSW Central Coast – he left a note which was “almost entirely expressions of love and sadness”.

“But I don’t think he had any concept of how much sadness his death would cause.”

Aspiring professional surfer Logan Steinwede was only 20 when he died. Picture: Jaxson Steinwede/Instagram

Mrs Foran – a Miami mum of six and step-mum to two with Gold Coast Titans footballer husband Kieran Foran – said life now was “honestly, really bad”.

“Logan was fearless and impulsive and maybe there was something that was missed – you run around a million times in your head and it’s f---ed up,” she said.

“We had an amazing bond and talked about everything together; Logan knew how much he was loved, so his death is earth-shattering.

“I would do anything to change the outcome – I would trade my life to get his back.”

Speaking through tears, Mrs Foran, 44, said Logan “always had a happy vibe”.

“If anyone was down, flat or sad, he repelled that energy and made them smile.

“He would be spewing that everyone is crying oceans of tears for him; that would be torture for him.”

She said her husband of five years had not left her side since the tragedy.

“Every single morning hubby walks in with a coffee and says, ‘what do you need today, babe?’.

“But nothing can replace a part of you that’s no longer there.”

Dr Justin Couslon, pictured at home in Mooloolaba, lost his beloved nephew Logan to suicide. Picture Lachie Millard

Mrs Foran, a gym instructor and retail assistant, said if she could help others battling suicidal thoughts she would tell them: “It doesn’t have to be permanent …there’s not an issue in the world we can’t solve together, just ask for help and be honest about how you’re feeling.”

To parents, she would say: “Love all those things that are hard”.

“When I spoke at Logan’s service, I said ‘I don’t care how much sand you leave on the floor, how many baths you run’, all those little things don’t frigging matter.

“The space he has left is so empty – all those things you think suck as a parent, they’re the things I miss I most.”

Dr Coulson said suicide was a complex issue.

Speaking generally, he said there were typically three contributing factors.

“People fundamentally believe that they’re helping everyone around them by not being here – they don’t have to convince themselves, they are convinced.

Karina Foran with one of Logan’s surfboards covered in tributes for the 20-year-old.

“Secondly, they have tunnel vision. I have spoken to several people who have survived and they all talk about how grateful they are now, but at the time they truly believed suicide was not only the only solution but also the best solution.

“Thirdly, life gets too heavy. Your life is like a bucket; you pick up rocks as you go through and eventually it overflows.”

Dr Coulson said more needed to be done in society to help people learn how to empty the bucket – “teaching problem solving and resetting after something goes wrong” – and, less optimally, how to make buckets bigger.

“With some challenges we do need to carry more, and this makes us stronger for next time.”

Karina Foran with husband Kieran on the Gold Coast. Picture: Nigel Hallett

Dr Coulson said it was unhelpful to keep searching for triggers, including for his beloved nephew.

“Our family has spent too much time doing that,” he said.

He said with any profound loss, grief was relentless.

“You wake up and feel OK for 10 seconds or maybe a minute, then your brain reminds you of what happened,” he said.

“You don’t just lose somebody once, you lose them every single day for the rest of your life.

“All I think of now are the waves he won’t catch, the sunrises he won’t see – it is overwhelmingly and tragically said because it feels like it should have been completely avoidable.”

WHAT TO SAY AND NOT TO SAY

Parenting expert Justin Coulson says in the event of an enormous loss, including suicide, people can feel compelled to say something but often make things worse.

“Don’t ever say, ‘everything happens for a reason’, and never use the phrase, ‘well, at least’ … ‘he’s watching over you’, ‘he’s happy now’ – this is not helpful,” Dr Coulson says.

“Do not say, ‘God just needed another angel’ because it makes God look sadistic and needy, or say, ‘it’s going to get better, I promise’ – how do they know?”

He says a well-meaning friend remarked after Logan’s suicide: “Oh yeah, my aunt just died of cancer two weeks ago, I know how you feel.”

“I asked, ‘how old was your aunt?’; she was 78, and I was like, you have no idea how I feel.”

He says every time someone starts up a conversation with him about Logan, it takes him back to the awful day he found out.

“Honestly, if you’re not close to me don’t come up and say sorry. And don’t look at me with those sad eyes – it is literally painful.”

Dr Coulson suggests people instead say things like, “I want to do something practical for you, can I look after the kids, bring you a meal?”

“Sometimes you don’t need to say anything at all other than a gentle acknowledgement that things are pretty tough, or, ‘I’m not really sure what I should say; do you want to talk about it, would you rather silence, or would you like to talk about life in general?’.

“One of my friends simply said, ‘Justin, this sounds really hard’, and then they just shut up, and it was exactly what I needed.”