Funniest quotes and one-liners from Southport Courthouse on the Gold Coast
It may not usually be the best place for comedy but sometimes those on the Gold Coast just had to find the lighter side. ENJOY A LAUGH
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THE jokesters at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light into the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse.
Here are some of the lighter moments overheard by the Bulletin in recent months.
● Prosecutor: “When are you going to send me that submission?”
Defence lawyer: “I’ve spoken to my client and he has told me you can “get f***ed”. (defence lawyer then laughed)
● Magistrate: “Look at how many trees were cut down to print your criminal history.”
Defendant: “I know and I’m disgusted by that.”
● Lawyer 1: “Wearing a power tie today?”
Lawyer 2: “Well, I had been going through a goth phase wearing black ties.
Lawyer 2 exited the lift, looking at his maroon tie, and asked the Bulletin: “It’s not a power tie. What other colour are you supposed to wear with a blue suit and blue shirt?”
● Magistrate (to regular offender): “What are you doing here again?”
Defendant: “Back again. I was being a bit silly.”
● Defendant: “My lawyer is just dicking me around … I can just do it myself … I don’t care. I’m getting f***ed around anyway.”
● Magistrate: “Have you satisfied yourself on that matter?”
Prosecutor: “Yes. The court was correct.”
Magistrate: “We just like the acknowledgment.”
● Prosecutor: “I am merely a lowly prosecutor dealing with the facts before me.”
● Judge’s associate: “Is there anything you would like to say before sentence is passed on you?”
Defendant: “Nah, it’s all good thanks.”
● Magistrate: “Why shouldn’t you go to prison?”
Self-represented defendant: “Coronavirus.” (Note: The magistrate did not find this a good enough reason to dodge a prison term.)
● Magistrate: “Fellow in the back of court in a singlet, you can wait outside.”
Man: “Why?”
Magistrate: “You’re in court, not at the beach.”
● Defendant: “Your Honour, what day is Valentine’s Day?”
Magistrate: “The 14th. I think that’s right. That’s my understanding.”
● A man walked into public gallery and immediately asked guy sitting next to him: “Are you a criminal?”
● Defence lawyer: “I think I should have availed myself of my health rebate at the end of the year and got new glasses.”
● Defendant who has been granted bail with conditions he report to police: “I think I’m going to get a henna tattoo on my stomach saying ‘you must report’.”
● Magistrate to clerk after finding out the paging system is not working: “Could you please walk outside and shout into the wilderness?”
● Magistrate: “My clerk will get onto that for you. I won’t remember but he will.”
● Prosecutor, after being asked what vehicle other than a motor vehicle someone was dangerously driving: “I don’t know. Hopefully not a horse.”
Defence lawyer: “You can dangerously operate a horse?!?!”
● Magistrate: “Court comes back on January 4.”
Defence: “Yes, but I won’t be here.”
Magistrate: “Neither will a lot of law firms but us hardworking magistrates …”
● Magistrate: “So, you can be in two courts at once?”
Prosecutor: “Yes.”
● Magistrate (after a law clerk entered the court): “I’m glad you finally came in. You’ve been standing at the door for quite some time. You’re kinda creepy.”
● Magistrate (after lawyer repeatedly says he will tender a document): “Can you stop toying with my clerk and give her a copy?”
● A man yelling outside the courthouse: “Marijuana is bad. Amphetamines are good. They make you feel nice and happy.”
● Defence lawyer (after finding out someone is 61): “So, younger than me.”
Magistrate: “Everyone is younger than us.”
● Prosecutor: “She was aged 46 at the time and is now 44 …”
Judge: “Hang on, she is not Benjamin Button.”
Prosecutor: “I’m sure some of us wish we could age backwards.”
Judge: “I’m not so sure … they were tough years.”
● Magistrate to defendant: “Stand up please.”
A man in the public gallery stands.
● Lawyer 1: “You need to step away from the dark side.”
Prosecutor: “I’m not sure we are the dark side.”
Lawyer 2: “You need to see Star Wars.”
● Barrister: “So a medical cardiac arrest is one I’ll likely have when I’m 60 and my arteries are blocked?”
● Prosecutor: “Sorry about the delay. There was an issue downstairs which I needed to referee.”
● Judge to defendant: “You need to live with people who are boring. Who go to work everyday and come home and watch the American election on TV.”
● Man in the public gallery: “You know you are getting old when you look at the Crown prosecutor and she looks about 21. They used to be fat old guys.”
● Lawyer talking to law student on work experience: “There may be one on my desk. (Wild hand gesture). In there somewhere.”
Student: “Good description.”
● Prosecutor: “I have made amendments to it … very professionally with my pen.”
● Magistrate: “You are a young man of … 37 … so, not really young … a relatively young man …”
● Defence lawyer: “My client may have an allergic reaction to court. Every time she has to come here she comes down with COVID symptoms.”
● Defence lawyer: “Is Her Honour on her way up, I just had a thought?”
Clerk: “She is.”
Lawyer: “It’s okay. I’ll hold.”
Clerk: “Do you need to go the bathroom?”
The clerk left the courtroom and came back shortly.
Clerk: “Her Honour is happy to wait.”
Lawyer: “No, it’s okay, I’m not that old.”
● Prosecutor: “It’s a Monday mystery bag.”
●Defence lawyer: “I’m just trying to help facilitate justice in this court.”
Magistrate: “That’s a big hurdle isn’t it?”
● Prosecutor 1: “I’ll just stand aside for Mr … um … um …”
Prosecutor 2 (from the same office): “She’s forgotten my name.”
Originally published as Funniest quotes and one-liners from Southport Courthouse on the Gold Coast
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