Marie Calvert De Byl concerned state domestic violence laws are failing victims

A domestic violence survivor has spoken out about what it’s like being in the eye of the storm as crime rates climb across the Far North.

CLIMBING domestic violence rates in the Far North have revealed the subject more complex than current laws have the capability to address.

Cairns’ rate of domestic violence order breaches have increased by 19.3 per cent in the past recorded year as the Far Northern region experienced the second highest rise in the state.

A Far North woman who endured two abusive relationships when living overseas has spoken of what it’s like being in the eye of the storm and why it’s so difficult to leave.

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Marie Calvert De Byl said Queensland’s new coercive control laws needed to include a focus on resources and education as victims don’t have the luxury to wait for abusers to change.

“If I had waited for my perpetrator’s to reform, I’d either still be waiting to this day or I’d be dead,” she said.

“You don’t realise how bad things really are when you’re in it, it’s a really subtle form of abuse, like putting a frog into warm water and turning the heat up until it’s boiling.”

Ms Calvert De Byl recalled taking a holiday with her partner at the time.

Marie Calvert De Byl endured two abusive relationships and rounds of domestic violence. Picture: Brian Cassey

She woke up in the middle of the night to hear her partner whispering to himself, one of which was the threat to kill her.

“I thought I was going to die,” she said.

“I remember thinking that this is something that you see on the front page of the news.”

Ms Calvert De Byl said both her perpetrators embodied traits of manipulation, narcissism, control and isolation from friends and family.

“They’ll tell you you’re stupid, you’re imagining it, you’re selfish, there’s a big element of feeling confused,” she said.

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“If you have this fantasy of a relationship, it’s a bubble, it’s you and them versus the world, a narcissist will often will present that.”

That “bubble” was a tactic that isolated women like Ms Calvert De Byl who said she often didn’t communicate with others what exactly was going on — and when she did, she minimised the abuse.

“You kind of get into what you think is a love bubble but it’s isolation,” she said.

“I wanted to believe this was it and I didn’t want that love bubble burst by someone so people around need to be careful with how you approach it.

“Getting some time away from the relationship and being around others helps someone to realise what’s going on.”

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The relationship had intense highs and lows which Ms Calvert De Byl attributed to her confusion and dismissal of the seriousness of her situation.

“The narcissistic person comes across as confident so when you’re in that state of confusion they will say no this is right, I’m right, and because you’re confused and don’t trust yourself, you believe them,” she said.

“I was looking to someone who was manipulating me to validate me and give me my sense of self.

“How could it be true that they love me and think I’m the most amazing person in the world and now they think I’m worthless and I’m less than?

“It’s hard to have them both true, but actually they are both true, it’s a cycle of abuse.”

Marie Calvert De Byl thinks education for domestic violence prevention should start in schools. Picture: Brian Cassey

What helped her finally break out of the relationship in the end was self healing, reflection, understanding and hypnotherapy.

“One thing that really helped me is someone asking me if this is the type of relationship you used to think of being in, when you were younger what did you want?” she said.

“How did you want to feel and how do you feel in this relationship, is it like what you wanted?

After years of rebuilding herself, Ms Calvert De Byl is now happily married and a working as a hypnotherapist helping others regain their sense of self.

“I think the thing with these type of relationships is that you hold on to a bit of hope, hope that they’ll change,” she said.

Victim of multiple episodes of domestic violence Marie De Byl at Trinity Beach. Picture: Brian Cassey

“But when you have to explain basic human decency to someone, it’s too late.

“I made it my mission to heal myself and I was going to change my life and relationships and I was then going to share it with other people so that’s what I’ve been busy doing.”

Now, Ms Calvert De Byl wants to see education implemented in schools and increased victim resources become a vital inclusion in domestic violence prevention.

“The more victims that become aware of what’s going on and are able to remember that they’re powerful … that’s going to be more powerful than trying to get perpetrators to change,” she said.

“If I’d have learned healthier skills at school it would potentially have saved me a lot of trouble later on.”

Originally published as Marie Calvert De Byl concerned state domestic violence laws are failing victims