The most harmful of the three subtypes of perfectionism is on the rise, and it can wreak havoc on our mental and physical wellbeing. Here, experts weigh in on the beast that is ‘socially prescribed perfectionism’ and share their tips on how to stop it from taking hold of your happiness.

Early on in my freelancing career, the same scenario started to play out whenever my husband walked through the door at the end of the day. He’d put his bags down and casually ask, “How did your day go babe? Any leads?”

My heart would start to race. My brain, suddenly believing it had something to defend, would go full Mackenzie Arnold, gearing up to shield my self-esteem from all angles.

I would begin sounding off the story pitches I had sent that afternoon, the auditions I had prepared for, the endless toddler-related admin I had happily ticked off my ever-increasing to-do list before I realised I’d forgotten to move the washing into the dryer (we’d have to put it through again if we didn’t want to smell like a musty swamp for the week).

I could see my husband’s attention start to fade the deeper I went. But I couldn’t seem to stop justifying my workday. This was not what he was asking. I knew that, but it didn’t matter. He actually just wanted to know if I’d had a good day. But I was convinced he thought I’d spent it faffing about. 

Holy insecurity batman! What is going on here?

Introducing: socially-prescribed perfectionism

Perfectionism is a tricky little beast, and while some aspects of it can be helpful to our productivity and performance, on the whole, it causes more harm than good. 

Thomas Curran, a leading expert in the field of perfectionism research refers to it as “a hidden epidemic” and unfortunately, it’s on the rise. 

By now we’ve all heard, “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” thrown about in day-to-day conversation, but for sufferers, it’s more than just a desire to do things well.

Phoebe Rogers, clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and relationship coach, explains that perfectionism can play a big role in maintaining or perpetuating mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. 

“I would see a high level of perfectionism in high school and university students, as well as high-achieving professionals that I work with; and I see perfectionism being a driving force of self-sacrificing, kind, and empathic women, particularly in their relationships,” she tells Body+Soul.

Out of three main subtypes of perfectionism, (socially prescribed, other-oriented, and self-oriented) socially prescribed perfectionism can be especially insidious, with impacts on our relationships with others, not just ourselves. 

Rogers explains it as, “the feeling that others have high standards and expectations of us, which drive us to be perfect.”

What’s wrong with socially-prescribed perfectionism? 

Recent research on socially prescribed perfectionism flags it as a “significant public health concern” suggesting it can play a role in causing distress, illness, dysfunction, and impairment both mentally and physically. 

A study comparing the effects of self-oriented perfectionism with those of socially prescribed perfectionism on students’ exam stress found the latter to be the most maladaptive when it came to performance. In fact, sufferers were more likely to experience interference with their ability to perform well in a testing scenario, coupled with a lack of confidence in their abilities.

“In terms of my clients, it has tended to look like high levels of conflict-avoidance, lack of assertiveness, and being polite, agreeable and pleasing, rather than speaking their voice,” says Rogers of her experience with clients suffering from socially prescribed perfectionism. “People feel internally exhausted by these perceived pressures and can lose sight of what they actually want, and instead work on cultivating a life that aspires to the beliefs of others. 

“It can lead to internal, relentless self-criticism, feelings of self-doubt and failure, and neglecting your own values, and authentic self.” 

So, how do I stop it?

You might think from the name that socially prescribed perfectionism is something solely placed upon us by others, and that can certainly be the case, especially in highly toxic work environments or for children with parents who have unrelenting standards. But (and I’m sorry to burst that bubble) the problem is not always as straightforward as that.

Researchers are looking into whether our perceptions of other people’s standards actually match up with reality, because often, as per my own experience, there are times when our perception of what others expect of us is formed from a narrative created by our own brains, and insecurities, rather than the truth. 

The good news is that there is a lot we can do to disrupt this maladaptive process and free ourselves from constant pressure to perform.

How to beat socially prescribed perfectionism 

#1. Separate your worth from the approval of others

Milly Bannister, founder and director of Gen Z mental health charity, ALLKND is no stranger to the beast that is perfectionism. 

“My entire career, from high schooler to young professional and startup founder has been threaded together by the Perfectionism Paradox - the lovely contradiction inherent in the pursuit of perfection, which often leads me to experience not the desired outcome of 'flawlessness', but those pesky negative consequences such as stress, anxiety, decision paralysis and decreased performance,” she tells Body+Soul. 

She says a big problem with this subtype is that sufferers can lose sight of their own ideals and place their worth into the hands of others. “Those of us chasing socially prescribed perfectionism set our own standards and internal values or beliefs aside, and as a result, often struggle with feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness if we perceive ourselves as falling short of these standards,” she says. 

“The main challenge with tying your self-worth to external standards…is that external standards have nothing to do with us and are completely out of our control. Similar to the way we will never be able to control the thoughts and behaviours of other people, we will also never be able to control the way they perceive us,” Bannister explains. 

#2. Become a detective to find the root cause

Rogers suggests one way to tackle socially prescribed perfectionism is by working to find the roots of these perceived unrelenting standards. 

“Start with unpacking the origin and narrative of the perfectionism,” she says. “Where does it come from, and what lessons did I inherit about the need to be perfect?”

Identifying whether these beliefs are projections of our own worst assumptions about ourselves, or the result of others holding us to unreachable standards can help us identify where the work needs to be focussed.

#3. Next, look at how much it’s hurting you

While some aspects of perfectionism can have positive impacts on our lives, socially prescribed perfectionism is widely acknowledged to be the most harmful to our physical and mental health.

“People feel internally exhausted by these perceived pressures, and can lose sight of what they actually want, and instead work on cultivating a life that aspires to the beliefs of others,” says Rogers. “It can lead to internal, relentless self-criticism, feelings of self-doubt and failure, and neglecting your own values, and authentic self.”

Rogers suggests we take a look outside ourselves to see how life might look if we decided to let go of our relentless standards. “Consider what it's like to be imperfect, notice all the imperfect human beings around you,” she posits. 

Then she suggests we weigh up what aiming for perfectionism is costing us. “Things like time, energy, a loss of self, and authenticity in your relationships.” 

#4. Always lead with kindness

As with any inner work, your approach should always be led by loving-kindness. It sounds simple, but it’s one of the key things people who suffer from any kind of perfectionism struggle to do. Their standards are so unreachable that they often struggle to recognise anything they’re doing as good or ‘enough’. 

“Self-compassion is the key to overcoming perfectionism,” says Bannister. “If we could all extend the same kindness we would give the five-year-old version of ourselves, the world would be a better place.” 

Rogers agrees, suggesting, “Have compassion for yourself – particularly, how hard the perfectionism has been to carry. You can thank your perfectionism for trying to help you belong, achieve, and grow, but also ask it to give you a break sometimes.”

#5. Focus on progress, not perfection(ism) 

“We should be focusing more on effort rather than outcome,” says Bannister. “I love the phrase 'done is better than perfect.’” 

And I’m glad she said it, because as far as my own battle with this beastie goes, let’s just say, I’m getting there. 

I’ve reflected a lot on that period where I grew sure my husband must think me a failure, and it came down to some deeply held beliefs that were looking to be confirmed. I was terrified of the risk I was taking, and instead of asking, “What if it works out?” my mind was consumed by the very real threat of failure.

And as for Bannister? “Have I learned my lesson? Not yet!” she jokes. “These perfectionistic tendencies, the ones that refuse to let me believe anything other than that my worth is tied to my market value and achievements, are so deeply ingrained in me that it will take many more years for me to carve new tracks. Hello, oldest sister complex, societal expectations, and time-bound gender roles for women!”

Of course, this doesn’t mean she thinks we’re a lost cause, Bannister sees progress in both her own life and in her sessions with clients every day.

“I really do believe it's possible to recover from perfectionism, even the socially prescribed kind, by recognising and challenging unrealistic beliefs through talk therapy (which can be a literal life-saver) or journaling, if therapy is not accessible,” she says.