The mental load is real – and it could be impacting your health

It's more than just admin

The mental load is often unfairly stacked onto women. Image: Getty

Unlike work, which we get paid to do, the mental load women carry at home often goes unnoticed, and it certainly goes unpaid. Here are some tips to ease the mental load in your home.

There’s no question that in recent years, the term ‘mental load’ has exploded into the zeitgeist. In fact, the dialogue surrounding this ‘invisible labour’ has become somewhat of a global movement as women become more and more vocal about the impact of the mental load on their overall wellbeing.

“Women are certainly becoming more aware of what the mental load is and as a society we are more conscious of it now than a decade ago, but I also think we didn’t necessarily have the language or understanding of it previously,” explains doctor and mental load expert, Dr Robyn Miller.

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In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, the mental load is defined as the cognitive effort associated with managing your work life, home life and family life—including every macro and micro detail, as well as any decisions or delegations connected to running the household. And what is distinctive about it is that it is unpaid, it often goes unseen—and unfortunately, also disproportionately affects women. 

If we use the example of cooking dinner, the mental load extends beyond the labour of cooking the meal itself—and instead encapsulates every step of the process. From the cognitive toil of deciding on a recipe, to doing a mental stocktake of the pantry, creating a shopping list, scheduling time in the day to go to the supermarket—or alternatively, delegating this part of the task to someone else.

And all this before even prepping the ingredients, cooking the meal and taking into account everyone else’s schedule in order to ensure the meal is ready to be served at the appropriate time.

Other examples include: remembering loved ones’ birthdays and buying gifts, keeping track of scheduled payments and bills, staying on top of everything related to your kids like knowing if they’ve outgrown of their socks, when enrolments or permission forms need to be signed, their extracurricular activity schedule, what uniform needs to be packed on any given day or if they have any homework that’s due imminently.

To be frank, the mental load is endless – and exhausting. 

The mental load is endless, and it's exhausting. Image: Getty

But aside from the obvious impact this can have on our general wellbeing—not to mention the unspoken economic penalty and gender inequality women experience by taking on the lion’s share of unpaid work globally—what’s not often discussed is how the mental load is actually impacting our physical and mental health. From emotional fatigue and exhaustion to complete burnout, heightened levels of stress and anxiety to poor sleep—the impact of the mental load can have a ripple effect.

Dr Robyn Miller agrees, “according to the research and through my own work at The Mental Load Project, the most common ways it manifests is relationship dissatisfaction and feeling underappreciated, poor sleep and feelings of stress and overwhelm—both from role strain and also from never being able to fully give anything your undivided attention.” 

With Australian research also highlighting how increased time in unpaid labour equates to poorer mental health, it’s essential we work together on a societal level to redistribute this load—especially if we wish to protect our health from its damaging effects. 

In a way, what’s needed is a bit of course correction by reprogramming old, ingrained patterns. And according to Dr Miller, the first step is to divide, rather than delegate.

“Women think they are sharing the mental load when they ask their partner to ‘help’, but really they are just delegating specific chores to their partner. They are still responsible for all the anticipation, monitoring and decision-making that goes on to even realise a problem exists and/or needs to be fixed as well as then coming up with a list of possible solutions or options, before just asking their partner to help select the solution at the final stage or asking them to do the actual physical task.”

Delegating doesn't ease the mental load. Image: Pexels

Instead, she advocates for both parties sitting down to deliberately divide up tasks, including all the cognitive labour involved, “noticing what needs to be done, identifying options, coming up with a decision and monitoring the outcome—as well as doing the task,” she explains. But what is perhaps most important is that the other partner then relinquishes full control. “You need to learn to step back and not ‘gate-keep’ or ‘remind’ your partner as doing so will just prevent them from ever taking on these tasks under their mental load.”

While the mental load exists in all partnerships, often it’s not until we become parents that the true burden of this invisible labour becomes apparent. “This is just because with dependents, there’s so much more mental load that needs to be carried as you’re now responsible for your child’s overall wellbeing—as well as yours. Not to mention just the increase in an everyday sense with meal preparation and laundry et cetera,” explains Dr Miller.

So the key is to make the invisible, visible as early on in the relationship as possible and preferably, have these discussions prior to becoming parents. “Once you’ve done the deliberate, systematic division of responsibility the first time, then it’s just about relearning new behaviours and habits—and checking in every so often to make sure the load is still fairly shared when life circumstances change (such as having a new baby, a child starting school or moving house),” she says.

But beyond maintaining clear lines of communication with your partner, there are a few other ways that can help you cope with the mental load moving forward.

Try these tips to ease the mental load. Image: Pexels

How to cope with the mental load 

#1 Manage stress

There’s no question the mental load contributes to increased levels of stress—but given we know how long-term stress can lead to issues such as raised blood pressure, headaches, poor sleep and insomnia, greater risk of heart attack or stroke as well as anxiety and weight gain, it’s important to find ways to manage your stress response to the mental load in order to protect your health.

For some, this might mean taking a walk in nature which research shows helps to lower stress hormone levels, practicing yoga which encourages relaxation and shifts the body from the sympathetic into the parasympathetic nervous system or simply carving out space in your day to develop a mindfulness practice which can help not only to ease feelings of acute stress, but also arm you with the tools to better manage your stress response in the future.

Ensuring you are getting adequate sleep is also an important step in reducing cortisol levels, especially as sleep deprivation is just one way the mental load manifests!

#2 Prioritise self-care

Different from stress management—your self-care practice needs to provide you with the physical and mental space to escape the mental load entirely. And if you’re a parent, this is even more essential because simply asking your partner to watch the kids while you take a shower is not enough! You need to be able to leave the house, without children in tow, to simply do something that nourishes you on a soul level. It might mean going for a pedicure, seeing a movie solo, or simply sitting in the sun in silence—whatever it takes to make you feel more like you again is key.

#3 Seek professional help

At the end of the day, if the mental load is contributing to feelings of overwhelm and you are struggling to carry the burden or approach the conversation with your partner alone—it’s essential to reach out to a professional. A great psychologist can not only provide you with the language to help better explain the mental load to your partner, but they can also give you the tools to help manage any stress and anxiety triggered by the mental load itself.

For more resources or to contact Dr Robyn Miller, visit The Mental Load Project. You can also sign up for Ashley Lowe's newsletter, In the Thick of It, here. 

Originally published as The mental load is real – and it could be impacting your health