‘My sister thinks her 12yo is acting out, but her punishments are out of line’

“I know it’s not my place … but I think this should have been met with compassion, not anger and punishment.”

For the last 12 years, Hailey* has watched her niece, Ava*, grow into a lovely young lady. 

All her life, Ava has been raised in a “sheltered” household. Kate’s little sister, Jessica* “controls literally every aspect of her life”, insisting she be homeschooled and keeping her “heavily involved in the Girls Scouts”. 

Despite her strict upbringing, Ava has always been a “really good girl”. But recently, things started to change. 

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Ava has been "acting out" recently, but her aunt think it's just puberty. Picture: iStock

Mum’s extreme punishments for “out of control” 12yo

As a mum of four herself, three of whom have “gone through puberty”, Kate is well acquainted with the signs of typical tween behaviour. 

So far, 12yo Ava has been “saying ‘no’ to chores and refusing to cooperate”, something her aunt doesn’t think is too out of the ordinary. 

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“I think [this] is pretty normal for this age,” Kate wrote on Reddit. “It’s obvious to me Ava is acting out as a way to establish some independence and doesn’t have the tools to be able to express this need to my sister.”

To Ava’s mum, however, the 12yo’s recent behaviour wasn’t just a phase; the tween was “acting out” and out of control, and her actions needed to be punished. 

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At first, Ava refused to attend her Girl Scouts meeting, likely because she “had to compete against the other girls (sprinting, I think) for a badge and was too embarrassed at the thought of losing”. 

However, rather than asking her daughter why she didn’t want to go to the Scouts meeting, Ava’s mum became “heated” and started screaming at the tween. 

“Things somehow escalated to the point where my sister took away all of [Ava’s] privileges,” Kate said. 

Ava’s electronics, phone and “even books” were taken away from her, leaving her with nothing but her room. Jessica ordered her daughter not to leave her bedroom at all; the only exception was to “go to the bathroom”. 

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Sadly, as time passed, things went from bad to worse. 

The next day, as Jessica was taking lunch into her daughter’s room, she spotted Ava reading a book and immediately “lost her mind”, throwing the lunch onto the 12yo’s bed. 

“The next step is calling the police, and trust me, your treatment here is far better than [the] treatment you’ll receive in jail!” she shouted at her daughter, who began to cry. 

“Through tears”, Ava agreed and told her mum to call the cops, so Jessica “walked away while pretending to call the police”. By the time Ava returned to her room, she realised the door had been taken off its hinges, exposing her bedroom to the entire house and leaving her without privacy. 

Kate was horrified by her sister’s actions and couldn’t fathom treating a child this way. 

“I know it’s not my place, but I believe with my whole heart that it’s time for her to let [Ava] know she is so proud of her and trusts her to do her best to make good choices and is going to be giving her more freedoms to positively reinforce her good choices, not the opposite,” Kate said. 

Two days after the entire “ordeal”, Ava began her first period, which set alarm bells off in Kate’s mind. “I know this was all likely a hormonal surge and should have been met with compassion, not anger and punishment,” she said. 

“My sister and I have always been very close,” Kate said, and had always “promised to let each other know if we were turning into our mentally unstable mother”. However, as soon as Kate told her little sister that she “was ruining her relationship with her daughter”, Jessica cut all contact. 

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“Just because she's a mum doesn't mean she knows how to be a mum”

People applauded Kate online for her efforts to help her 12yo niece.

“You're not the bad guy for stepping in,” one person assured her. “You're just waving the red flag before your sister dives headfirst into the ‘mum of the year’ mistakes you two survived.” 

“Your sister is raising a very sheltered child who is going to be the perfect target for manipulative people if she continues treating her daughter the way she does,” said another. 

“Taking the door and ending all privacy at an age people need privacy,” a third wrote. “Controlling every aspect of her life and lying about the police are not good looks.”

“Just because she's a mum doesn't mean she knows how to be a mum,” another agreed. 

However, not everyone was fully supportive of Kate’s actions, either. 

“While you’re not wrong to want to talk to your sister about this, or in your assessment, the way you went about it was guaranteed to get her back up and put her on the defensive,” read a comment. 

“See if you can take [Ava] to lunch. Let her know that you’re there for her and always happy to listen. And try to mend fences with your sister, for [Ava’s] sake. 

*Names have been changed

Originally published as ‘My sister thinks her 12yo is acting out, but her punishments are out of line’