My mum will pay for my kid to attend a top private school but he refuses to go

"I've backed my son, of course... but I hate the niggling feeling; what if my mother is right?" the Sydney woman reveals. Would you take up this offer?

When my young high-schooler told me the cops had been to his school that day because a Year 11 had a bag of cannabis, I made the mistake of telling my mum.

"What will it take to get you to send him back to private school?" she asked me angrily. "What are you waiting for? Someone to bring a gun?"

I told my mother, as I've told her a million times, that my son, her beloved grandson, absolutely refuses to leave his current public high school. 

And so our debate over public schools - which she loathes - and private schools - which she thoroughly believes in and has offered to pay for - continues. But it's not exactly because she's a snob.

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The teen wants to stick to a school he loves. Source: iStock

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"I'm torn between my mum and my son"

It would probably help if I explain my schooling for context about Mum's pressure for me to send my son to an 'elite' private school.

My parents - super hard-working immigrants - came to Australia to give their kids a better life. My father had led a poverty-stricken childhood but was lucky enough to be intelligent and become successful, and my mum, from a wealthy home, had attended a prominent all-girls school. So, to both of them, excellent education for their kids was of the utmost importance, and they were willing to pay for what they firmly believed was the best in town.

I thought nothing of it because I didn't know any different. So when it came to choosing a school for my son, I picked the same experience: single-sex, 'elite' private. And I was fortunate because my parents had planned to pay for my son's education.

I figured what had worked so well for me - I absolutely loved school - would work for my kid. And of course, I was totally wrong.

"Many happy years until they weren't"

We had seven super (including kindy) happy years at that school, with my son thriving. And then it became glaringly apparent that it wasn't working. He was struggling to fit in with the high-octane vibe of the school... and the other kids.

It occurred to me that he may be better in a different school, maybe a co-ed one; academically and socially. And all of a sudden, the choice was forced upon us when we moved interstate for my work.

For the first two years, my son attended the local public primary school, and I had my answer: the co-ed public school system was my kid's happy place. After stalling in our hometown, he began to thrive again. It was a huge relief.

There was no longer the emphasis on being 'the best' or even enormous pressure to 'do his best' every moment of the day - there was a much more balanced approach. And, my kid finally found his tribe - friends who were girls.

My concerns (mostly from my mum about resources and opportunities) about any differences between public and private were allayed. I can tell you now: there's no difference in the standard of education. The teachers are committed and excellent (and yes, vastly underpaid). Yes, the class sizes are larger than we were used to, and yes, there was no swimming pool or classic string orchestra.

But my kid was finally enthusiastic about school again, and that's been priceless to me. But it's not exactly been a priority to my mum.

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My son has absolutely refused to attend

Look, I love my mum, and I know she wants the best for us. But I don't agree with her on what's best for us - and neither does my kid. He's of a different generation; one who can stand up for himself and make rational points in his family. I've taught him that.

"I am not moving away from my friends," he tells us. "I love my school. I love going."

Any parent whose kid has struggled socially at school can tell you that you don't mess with that hard-earned achievement of your kid finding their tribe. Because it also means he can relax and not worry about bullies, enjoy classes, and get the most out of his school days.

And so, as a friend advised, I decided, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

I have sided with my son, of course... but something does niggle in my mind: what if my mum is right...? I guess time will tell.

This story was originally published in June 2022, and was updated on 5 January, 2024.

Originally published as My mum will pay for my kid to attend a top private school but he refuses to go