'I sat and cried ... I wanted to run away as far as I could get'
“They said there was 1 in 4 chance of down syndrome and asked if I wanted to terminate,” the Sydney mum reveals of her traumatic pregnancy.
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When Isabel welcomed her first child, a baby son named Ollie, it was a life-long dream come true.
“I was in love from the first second,” the 42-year-old tells Kidspot.
In the weeks that followed, however, her elation was overshadowed by round-the-clock anxiety as her five-week premature baby’s development was monitored in the special care nursery.
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“The beginning was so full on with tube feeding, sorting out NDIS and dealing with so many doctors.”
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"I didn't want to be rejected again"
When the Sydney mum took him home, she hoped it would be the fresh start they needed.
Instead, it was her own mental health - and eventual diagnosis of postnatal depression - that consumed her every moment.
Sadly, it wasn’t the first time Isabel had suffered from depression.
When she was 25, she lost her father to suicide following years of battling his own mental health issues.
Then in 2012, her mother passed away at the age of 62 from breast cancer, and her aunt lost her own battle with cancer shortly after.
Those tragedies left Isabel a shell of her former self and at that time, she was diagnosed with depression and sought out treatment.
“I had carried a lot of feelings of rejection from when I was a child as my father was often absent (she now realises due to his mental health), then when he died, everything I had kept inside had come out,” Isabel says bravely.
“I had absolutely no motivation for things that I used to like. I was catastrophising and couldn’t see any sense in the world. Life didn’t have any purpose. I had thoughts of self harm. I didn’t want to end my life but I was trying to show how unwell I was feeling. I had in my mind, ‘Would they understand?’ I didn’t have the capacity to talk about it, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to be rejected again.”
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"Being a mum has always been my dream"
At the age of 32, Isabel would suffer her own physical health battle when a routine pap smear revealed cancer cells in her cervix. Thankfully, surgery was able to remove all traces, and she was spared chemotherapy as the cervical cancer was detected in its early stages.
Isabel went on to give birth to Ollie, but her path to motherhood was yet another emotional rollercoaster.
She and her then husband needed to go through IVF due to him having a vasectomy 10 years earlier. Then at the 12-week scan, their baby was found to have a 1 in 4 chance of having down syndrome.
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“There was pressure from doctors to decide whether I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, which was against everything I was thinking,” Isabel remembers emotionally.
“Being a mum has always been my dream.”
A Harmony test then showed a 99% chance.
“The day I got that result was the day I also found out he was a boy,” Isabel says through tears.
“I really felt I was connecting with him for the first time and I knew who my baby was going to be. I wasn’t sad whatsoever. Down syndrome is not who he is, it’s just one of his characteristics. My baby was and still is absolutely perfect. For me, the only difficult part is knowing how much I would have to fight because society doesn’t accept differences.”
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"I'm sorry I have nothing emotionally to give right now"
By the time Ollie was six months old, everything came crashing down around the new mum as she struggled with postnatal depression.
“I just sat and cried and I told him, ‘I’m so sorry I have nothing emotionally to give right now’,” she says honestly.
“I did what had to be done and was trying my best but I was so overwhelmed. I remember crying because I couldn’t decide what socks to wear. I felt a lot of guilt that I was never doing enough. I just wanted to run away as far as I could get. I would never have left him behind, but I had the feeling that I wanted to.”
Seeking treatment this time around brought a new light to Isabel’s condition.
“I realised my mental health would be a life-long journey, that it wasn’t a result of something bad happening in my life,” she explains.
“Having Ollie was my dream come true - and I had no issues with him having down syndrome - but there I was, depressed. It was just being a new mum without any support. It was the first time I had to take medication to get out of [the depression], and that took a while to accept.”
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"There were days I couldn't get out of bed"
While on a four-month waiting list for a psychiatrist, Isabel found GROW, a free not-for-profit
12-step program for mental health that can be accessed via face-to-face or online groups immediately. It was instrumental in helping the mum-of-one through one of the most difficult times in her life, so much so that she became healthy enough to discontinue antidepressants.
Her struggles were far from over, however. Isabel was faced with yet another emotional upheaval last year when her marriage to Ollie’s father ended.
“It was really hard,” she says.
“There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Instead of isolating myself, I went back to my group for help and I used the tools that I learnt from GROW: to go by what I know, not by how I feel. It made it possible for me to know I could get through it.”
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"I'm still finding myself after motherhood"
These days, Isabel - who was also recently diagnosed as having ADHD - is tackling her life as a single mum with courage and strength.
“My biggest lesson is learning to be truthful to myself and finding supportive and understanding people around me where I can be open and they can help me,” she says.
“I’m still finding myself after motherhood, but GROW has taught me that everyone is valuable no matter how your life is going. If I hadn’t gone through hardships, I wouldn’t be
able to teach Ollie such valuable lessons because I wouldn’t know it. I hope what I have learnt becomes second nature to him because he is the absolute light of my life.”
Isabel is now a program worker with GROW and an ambassador for the community-based organisation’s Odd Socks Day on Friday, October 4. The initiative aims to “sock it to stigma” and get people talking about mental health by wearing mismatched socks and donating or buying a pair from GROW in support and solidarity to those impacted by mental health issues.
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