I pulled my toddler out of daycare because they ignored our 'no touching' rule

"I'll never forget looking through the window out to where all the kids play, and seeing the teacher picking my daughter up and trying to hug her. My girl was absolutely beside herself."

My daughter has never liked being touched. Even as a baby she wasn't very cuddly with anyone. Of course, she gives her Mummy and Daddy cuddles… even then she wasn’t the type of kid that you could cuddle to sleep or snuggle on the couch with. 

And she especially despises other people giving her cuddles or trying to touch her. 

"I only cuddle mummy, daddy and nanny" - that's what she always tells me now she is three. 

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"I saw a teacher trying to hug her"

So when she was starting at a new daycare, I told the teachers that she does NOT like cuddles and that they should never try to hold her or cuddle her to help her calm down. 

“I know some other babies, even my son who is one, love cuddles and feel safe that way, but my daughter doesn’t.”

I gave them a list of other tools they could use to help her feel safe. Her favourite toy. A quiet place in the corner by herself. Reading a book. Some space and time so she can come over when she is ready. 

But do not cuddle. 

And to my absolute disgust, they didn't listen. And because of this we decided to leave. 

I'll never forget looking through the window out to the outside area where all the kids play, and seeing the teacher picking my daughter up and trying to hug her. My daughter was absolutely beside herself.

Screaming. Terrified. Kicking. Yelling. 

Image: Supplied

Now before you start, I know drop off is not easy for anyone. I understand that children cry and sometimes even scream. I have a son in the younger class who often cries or gets upset when I leave him. 

And that breaks my heart, but that is a whole other story. 

This was different. 

I had specifically asked them not to do something to help my daughter feel safe and they went against our wishes. At the time, I tried to be understanding and brushed it off. I mentioned it again to the manager and made it clear to that teacher not to do it again. 

Yet the next few times we came in, they kept offering her cuddles. 

“Good morning, would you like to come here for a cuddle?” “Can I pick you up?”

She would cry and I would have to remind them. 

Yes there are a lot of children in the room, I understand it would be hard to remember everything. I have a huge respect for all teachers, my husband is a teacher, but this was different. 

I felt like I was constantly repeating myself and fighting so hard just to help my daughter feel safe at childcare. It shouldn’t be this hard to help each child feel safe? It didn’t feel right to me. 

I am ashamed to admit that I didn’t immediately take her out. I waited it out. I listened to society saying “crying at drop off is normal”. I thought maybe it would get better.

But my daughter never settled in and about one month later she said to me “I don’t like my teachers mum. I don’t like when they cuddle me”. 

It hit me like a tonne of bricks. She didn’t feel safe. She was terrified to go and was having terrible anxiety every single time we went. 

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Go with your gut, parents

My heart broke. And so, I took her out of daycare. I am studying full-time, so this was no easy decision, but I didn’t second guess it this time. It was my gut feeling. I went against what everyone around me was saying. 

Friends, family and society kept saying: “It will get better”, “It’s normal at daycare drop off for them to cry”, “Just drop her and leave quicker, she will be fine”, “She will get used to it”. 

No. This was not okay. 

So, I took her out and I’m so glad I did. 

Months later she started three-year-old kinder (in an entirely different place) and I was so anxious. I gave no clue to her that I was worried but instead told her this was a new place for big kids and after a lot of preparation and talking, she was actually excited about it. 

I went in to talk with the teachers at the new place and explained our situation. 

They were incredible. They set up a quiet, comfortable space for her with cushions, books and no other people around. They let her sit back and watch until she was comfortable to join in any activities. They let me hang around as much as I needed to.

They even read a book to my daughter about another child who doesn’t like being touched.  

After a couple of weeks at her new kinder, she came home and said, “I like my teachers mum, they know I don’t like hugs”.

She feels safe and that is the most important thing to me. She is a whole new child and is enjoying her days, making friends, and there are absolutely no tears at drop off. 

Go with your gut parents, if something doesn’t feel right to you… change it. 

This article was originally published in February 2023 and was updated in January 2024.

Originally published as I pulled my toddler out of daycare because they ignored our 'no touching' rule