Every woman needs a 'doesband'. Do you have one?

A mum has claimed in a now-viral story that she has a "doesband" - a husband who shares their domestic mental load equally.  Is this really so rare that it needs a term?

My sister has a Doesband, apparently.

When he walks in the door at night, and it's witching hour, he hits the ground running with their kids. 

He knows what needs to be done without direction. He can innately judge where his family is in their nightly routine, and begins his contribution immediately - knowing exactly what to do.

It's a seamless process, without any nagging or requests from my sister.  Without bickering about the same things that need to happen every day. Because, you know, they're his kids too; it's his home, too.

My sister's husband is what's become known as a "doesband" on the interwebs - a dad and partner as equally involved in his family's life and the mental load, as the mum is.

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What is a "doesband"?

The (controversial - more about that later) term was recently used in a now-viral story by a journalist, called, "The partner every woman should have: a doesband."

In the story, the mum-of-two claims that her husband equally shares all the chores at home, and the care of the kids - and the mental load that comes with it all. 

As a parenting editor I know that even in 2023, that's not the norm. For example, we published a story about a husband who makes his wife take carer's leave when the kids are sick - because he deems his job more important than hers.

And a story about a wife whose husband makes her sit in economy plane seats with the kids, while he's in first class - because he is the 'bread-winner'.

And that's just this week. 

OF COURSE: it's not all husbands. But it's enough of them to make the journalist's story go viral because so many women want to talk about how their lives are arranged.

Then there were those who were infuriated by the necessity of the term - and the term itself.

Source: Twitter

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Is a 'Doesband' simply doing his job as a partner and dad?

Many on social media loved the term (especially those who have one). This woman tweeted:

"Happy to say that I am lucky enough to have a #Doesband who is amazing at sharing the domestic load. There are some things beyond him, of course, but he is always willing and wants to help. #ThanksHubs"

And this woman who'd never approached equality in this way: "I love this piece. For > 20 years (gulp) I have been saying that feminism encouraged equal pay, but neglected to promote equal parenting / domestic chores & that has been v hard for women.

"Sharing the 'busy head space' is utterly liberating. He says that when I'm happy, he's happy.... And I'm happy when I'm not the only one remembering to de-fluff the drier filter."

But there were just as many who felt uncomfortable with 'Doesband' as a moniker - saying in general that it was patronising to men, and also unnecessary to assign a special name applauding a man "doing the bare minimum."

As this comment observed: "Ugh this is just as bad as ‘mumpreneur’ or ‘She-EO’. These portmanteaux assume that women can’t run businesses - in the same way ‘doesband’ implies there’s something exceptional about male partners doing the bare minimum. Equal division of domestic labour should be the default!"

But this tweet summed up the Doesband debate: "I may have just died a little inside, lol. 'Doesband' is possibly the word least in need of invention in the history of linguistics."

And if we do use it, does that mean the opposite is a... Doesntband?

Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

Originally published as Every woman needs a 'doesband'. Do you have one?