Netflix parenting has given Gen X mums some weird ideas about their daughters | Robyn Ingerson

We seem to have this unrealistic expectation of how our girls should be interacting with us, writes Robyn Ingerson.

There seems to be a common scenario between mothers and daughters.

I have been hearing this for years. “Oh, they are dreadful, selfish, you need to let them go for your own sanity, lower your expectations, they will eventually come back.”

I have often reflected on these statements from well-versed friends, and I say to myself – I don’t accept that, I need to understand more.

Among the “luckies” (my tribe) there is a strong representation of single mums and working mums raising daughters – not to exclude mothers of sons but for today I am just focusing on the girls. Sons, we will chat about another time.

Watching my own 19-year-old daughter create her adult brand and path has made me reflect on how I was at her age.

Fit, beach-lover, mad reader, hardworking, importance of girl friends, independent, love of family, lover of good times. The apple has not fallen far from the tree.

And yet as Gen X cohorts we seem to have this unrealistic expectation of how our girls should be interacting with us.

Young daughter kissing senior mother on the cheek. Picture: iStock

I blame social media and Netflix.

The expectation of how we should intertwine our lives and be one big, co-dependent happy family is not actually what we set out to achieve, or what we experienced or desired as young women ourselves.

We were all fiercely independent, as are these Gen Z daughters of ours.

They need space to shine, to walk their own rocky road, ignite their passions, not ours – like we did.

The greatest gift we can give them is freedom, confidence, security, unconditional love, encouragement and blatant honesty. The rest is up to them.

Will they make bad choices? Yes. We did spectacularly.

Will they be good humans? For the most – Yes. Were we always? Not likely.

Will they choose the right partner? Possibly more than us.

They are more considered, practical, have higher expectations and lesser demands on us financially as they are prepared to achieve this themselves, and have the killer combo of being sassy, smart and savers.

We should recognise this – we encouraged it.

What I am trying to do is make space for the moments and recommend to other mothers to have no expectation of their time – they are busy building their life, like we were at that age.

Instead, take the small slices – a movie, a beach walk, picking them up from their part-time jobs at ungodly hours of the night, watching them get ready for a date, or coming home from a date that went wrong.

Watching them finish their degree, get their first job, first paycheck, deliver their first baby. The pride for these girls is incalculable.

Watching them overcome immense hurdles from anxiety, dyslexia, ADHD, learning disorders, eating disorders, bullying, split families – and yet still achieving their own individual greatness, beyond their wildest dreams.

Watching them manage catastrophic situations of despair and loss, as well as the joy of teaching a young child to read and write.

These girls can be brutal. As we were at times.

To live by the rule it takes a village, allowing other mothers to support our daughters when they don’t want to talk is healthy and sometimes required. We don’t always give our own the right advice, but someone else may, and it is fantastic to allow that.

To encourage difference, a dagginess, to laugh at oneself, not get too caught up in social pressure but celebrate their perfect imperfections is a gift to these girls. A love of family and grounding themselves in nature is an important part of their DNA.

I have watched all of the “luckies’” daughters grow up, from birth mostly. They are an impressive bunch.

One thing I do know is this: They may not say it, but you see it, every now and then, and it may be a text, just take it – the glint of appreciation, respect, the knowingness of our resilience and sometimes just a simple thanks.

They have defiantly shown they can live without us, but sometimes they choose to include us, and that is the big win.

Why do we clash? Why do they push back?

Well, they are the next version of us. As we were the next version of our mothers. So, get over it!

What does make me laugh though is this quote: “I smile because you’re my daughter. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!” – Anonymous

Originally published as Netflix parenting has given Gen X mums some weird ideas about their daughters | Robyn Ingerson