Jana Hocking reveals the big clues that your relationship is doomed

Jana Hocking just got ghosted by her “perfect man” – and now, she has revealed the telling signs that it’s about to happen to you too.

Oh, dear readers, brace yourselves.

This week’s lesson is a classic case of “do as I say, not as I do”, because I seem to have made the biggest of dating boo boos.

Last week, I got ghosted. Yes, after three long months of dating someone I thought was pretty darn fabulous, Casper the not-so-friendly ghost made his presence known, and it was brutal.

After years of being lectured by friends and family for being “too picky”, I finally found the perfect man.

And I proceeded to foolishly put this man on a pedestal. One dumb kiss and my brain short-circuited.

To be honest, it took me by surprise. The more I got to know him, the more he seemed to tick off every box on my fantasy checklist of the dream man.

This wasn’t a shallow list like “must look like Brad Pitt”. No, it was deeper: a nice country boy, someone I could look up to, driven, with protective tendencies and a sense of humour. Good lord, his roar of a laugh could light up a room.

This is embarrassing to admit, but when we met, I just got this sense of, “Oh, here he is”.

Far too much pressure for a bloke, I know. But I think I played it cool – I mean I didn’t let on, no bunny boiler vibes here. I kept my drooling to a minimum.

However, unlike the distant, anxious-avoidant me of yonder years, I decided to ditch the games and be straightforward with my feelings. For example, after our first proper sleepover, I texted him saying, “I’ve got a crush on you”.

I know, cringe. So detrimental to the brand. But I genuinely did.

I was thrilled when he responded that the feeling was mutual, so I felt confident this was going to be a smooth ride to couple town. Maybe even taking out an ad on a billboard to announce I was FINALLY off the market.

I kid. I kid.

So, being ghosted a few months later felt like a heavy blow to the heart (and vajayjay).

But now that I’ve had time to let it sink in, I’ll shamefully admit this ghosting wasn’t a huge surprise. And, dare I say it, it might have been my fault.

Once I set aside my slightly shattered ego, I realised the signs were there early on.

He was never really into it.

Jana Hocking reveals the signs your relationship is doomed. Picture: Instagram/@jana_hocking

I figured this out after stumbling across one of those self help Instagram accounts.

Yes, my name is Jana Hocking, and I subscribe to them. Judge away.

Anyway, it was a reel featuring a wise old man in a chic black-and-white video delivering this gem:

“It is your fault when you hold onto someone who has made it clear they’re no good for you. Take ownership. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. It’s not about what they say, it’s about what they do. And if the actions don’t line up, it’s time to go in the other direction.”

Ooft.

This made me take a hard look at the relationship. The man I was dating was all talk and no action. He’d call me baby or sweetheart, words that make me melt. What can I say, it was giving Rip and Beth from Yellowstone vibes.

'Once I set aside my slightly shattered ego, I realised the signs were there early on. He was never really into it.' Picture: iStock

But then he’d vanish for days, sending my cortisol levels skyrocketing. When he did reappear, it would be with earth-shattering messages that made me feel like a million dollars.

Yet, in three months, I saw him face-to-face only three times, one of which was my birthday. Despite countless texts, voice notes, cheeky sexts and calls, we had just two dates and one birthday party together.

I realised his ghosting was actually my fault. I was so infatuated that I focused too much on his words and ignored his actions – which, let’s face it, were lacklustre.

His actions were shouting, “I’M NEVER GOING TO DATE YOU PROPERLY”. I just didn’t listen. So, this ghosting was inevitable. I just failed to take ownership. I ignored my intuition.

So, here are some signs you might be about to be ghosted:

1. They’re vague about future plans: It sounds obvious, but when you’re all love heart emoji eyes, it can be distracting. Phrases like “I’ll check my diary when I get home” or “Let’s lock it in next week” are red flags.

2. Words don’t match actions: Compliments and late-night texts might make you feel special, but if the actions don’t follow, it’s just talk. They’re enjoying the attention without any intention to act on it.

3. They leave your texts on read for hours: This one stings. My guy usually got back to me around 10pm, which didn’t scream “priority”.

4. Excuses are half-a*sed: We had a date planned, and when I suggested going out instead of dinner at home, he suddenly remembered he had a work meeting. Spoiler alert: he didn’t.

If they’re not interested in proper dates, your chances of being ghosted are high.

This experience was a master class in “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Damn you, Sex and the City.

So what did we learn? Don’t just listen to your heart. Maybe check in with your brain, too. The signs are always (annoyingly) there.

For the record thought, I still think it’s a dick move.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking

Originally published as Jana Hocking reveals the big clues that your relationship is doomed