If your partner does this, they might be cheating
An Australian couple’s therapist has revealed five signs that might indicate your partner is being unfaithful.
That sinking feeling in your stomach. The agitation in your chest. The anxious spirals of your restless mind.
Your partner’s behaviour seems a little off, but you could easily put that down to stress. Though the feeling never quite subsides, despite telling yourself that you’re overreacting, overthinking, unnecessarily worrying.
As a couple’s therapist, I have absolutely witnessed the impact of cheating on a relationship.
It’s more common than most of us believe and the effects heartbreaking.
It is a huge violation of trust for the one who is betrayed. And the one who cheated has their own guilt and shame, even if it’s not outwardly obvious.
When cheating is present, there are often signs pointing to this possibility. Signs that must be assessed and understood within the wider context of your relationship. It is important to be discerning with whom you share your concerns with. Well-meaning family and friends may attempt to provide advice, without truly understanding the whole picture or reasoning behind your decision about how to proceed. You deserve to choose what is best for you.
If you are wondering about cheating in your own relationship, here are common signs to look out for:
1. Emotional avoidance and impulsivity
I have noted difficulties in coping with emotions and stress in those who cheat. Essentially, they’re experiencing enormous stress and anxiety, and manage their feelings through escape and avoidance. Emotional overwhelm and low frustration tolerance, coupled with a lack of healthy coping mechanisms can contribute to cheating. Stress can disconnect us from our partners and ourselves for that matter, and those who cheat can feel stuck with how to talk about their feelings and needs. They turn away from the relationship rather than towards their partner.
Partners who cheat may act impulsively in the face of their emotions. They don’t stop, slow down and reflect. Cheating may initially feel exciting and distracting, coupled with a denial of reality and the pain caused.
2. Secrecy and disconnection
You may notice your partner feels disconnected to you. They’re physically and emotionally closed off, and don’t respond to your attempts at connection. Perhaps they seem to be more secretive with their phone and whereabouts, there are inconsistencies in their schedules, or timelines don’t match up. When you raise these concerns, you’re met with invalidation, denial, minimising, or defensiveness. Of course, you’ll need solid evidence to verify your suspicions.
3. Relationship dissatisfaction
When cheating is present in the couples I work with, both partners express feeling relationship dissatisfaction for some time. There is a loss of emotional connection and physical intimacy may have dwindled. Disconnection is a relationship risk factor, that has remained unaddressed. As humans, we crave connection, validation, and acceptance, and may seek it elsewhere. This is not about making the betrayed partner responsible – full accountability lays with the one who cheated; however, there is often a larger couple story at play that is worthy of further exploration.
4. Self-reflection
Whilst cheating can happen in any relationship and by anyone, those with a sense of entitlement are vulnerable to cheating. A person who is overly focused on their needs and has a disregard for others may justify their actions. A lack of empathy, including blaming others, indicates a lack of insight. Such individuals have an overly simplistic narrative of their relationship and would rather move on than face themselves and the consequences.
5. Your internal alarm bells are going off
Whilst the cheating partner may show shifts in their behaviour, let’s not forget the experience of the betrayed. Their nervous system often picks up on shifts in their partner and the relationship dynamic. Internal alarm bells are on high alert because something feels ‘off’. These feelings are tied to specific triggers: their partner’s shifting mood, an inconsistency in their story, or deflecting in conversations. These feelings are real and rooted in noticing changes and inconsistencies.
The impact of cheating can be truly shattering, whether you saw the signs or not. The impact on your mental health and self-worth significant. Whatever you decide, whether to seek help or part ways, may you move forward with clarity, understanding, and self-compassion.
Phoebe Rogers, author of When Will It Happen For Me? A Shame-Free Guide to Finding Love On Your Own Timeline, is a highly sought-after Clinical Psychologist, couples therapist, course creator, and author who helps women overcome unhealthy relationship patterns to have a secure, loving relationship. For more information visit therelationshipspace.com.au
Originally published as If your partner does this, they might be cheating
