Dogs on planes the latest gesture of inclusivity and tolerance and understanding | David Penberthy

Coming soon to a packed flight near you – some fellow traveller’s chihuahua, writes David Penberthy.

Not long before meeting an unpleasant end courtesy of an ice pick, Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky moved to Mexico City in a vain attempt to lie low and avoid the Stalinists.

Before his demise, Trotsky knocked around with a bunch of Mexican artists including the muralist Diego Rivera and his now much more famous wife, Frida Kahlo.

While in Mexico Trotsky bought himself a chihuahua to keep him and his wife Natalia company. One day they were around at the Riveras for lunch and Trotsky took the chihuahua along. Lunches at the Riveras were always rollicking affairs and on this day several other famous artists were there including the French surrealist André Breton.

Breton was seriously unimpressed when Trotsky brought his dog up the table and started talking about how intelligent he was, saying he “almost had a human face”. He erupted at Trotsky, shouting: “A human face? How can a dog have a human face?” They had such a big argument that they never spoke to each other again.

I am with André on this one. There is a certain type of pet owner who bestows all sorts of human qualities on their animal, regarding them as incapable doing any wrong, placing them on the same pedestal or indeed even higher than the actual human members of their families.

These people will soon be coming to an aeroplane near you.

There are a few base level attributes we look for in our single-serving friends, to borrow a line from Fight Club to describe the strangers we sit next to then never meet again when travelling by plane.

A friendly but minimal level of small talk. An egalitarian approach to sharing the arm rest. A lack of enthusiasm for licking their own private parts.

Dogs do not meet all these criteria. If they’re anything like my two cavoodles, they really fall down on the third one.

And the risk of sounding like a prude, I’ve always preferred travelling companions who know how to urinate and defecate in an actual toilet.

I’m also in the lucky position of never having had my leg humped by another passenger, and would prefer to keep it that way.

Be it Ralph Fiennes or a toey cavoodle, there’s certain bedrock expectations we have when it comes to deportment on board.

The problem isn’t just the animals we are going to end up surrounded by on these new pet-friendly flights. It’s their owners.

Virgin Australia wants to become the country’s first airline to operate domestic flights allowing pets in the cabin from next year. Picture: Alex Coppel

Anyone who is mad enough to take their animal on a plane ride is by definition the sort of person you don’t want to be sitting next to.

“Oh Snoopy. My little Snoopy Woopy Woo. Not long now honey. You’re such a good girl oh yes you are yes you are yes you are.”

Stewardess, could I have another eight miniature bottles of scotch please?

During our recent family trip of a lifetime we caught a couple of domestic flights in the United States. On one of these trips we were joined by an older lady who had a cat in a cage. Both the woman and the cat had dyed their hair pink. They looked like quite the combo, and in all honesty, they caused no real trouble to any of us and were seated a distance away.

There was a weird moment at LAX though when we were checking security, which is always an infernal process at the chaotic Los Angeles Airport.

In this case it was made more chaotic by the fact that the bloke going through the scanner in front of us had a German Shepherd travelling with him as his comfort animal. The bloke was going through the rigamarole of removing his belt and shoes but with the added difficulty of juggling a leash and a metal bowl for water.

He looked like he was easily aged in his 40s and in a wholly judgmental way I found myself thinking, what kind of grown man actually needs to bring a pet along with him to keep him on an even mental keel for a three-hour trip from LA to Dallas? The dog wasn’t particularly well behaved either, jumping up with its front paws on the conveyor belt while the guy faffed around putting his belt and shoes back on.

I am not anti-dog but I don’t see why other passengers who might actually be afraid of dogs should have to tip-toe around a grown adult who’s too nervous to fly without an Alsatian for company.

Ask any vet and they will tell you that it is impossible to have 100 per cent trust in any animal because they are, you know, animals, whose behaviour is hard-wired and can never be fully controlled, save perhaps for those rare instances of blind dogs and drug dogs whose impeccable conduct is the result of lengthy and intensive training.

More seriously, what about people who have allergies and can’t share a confined space with a dog or a cat because of the affect it has on their asthma or other respiratory conditions?

My old man has had asthma all his life and is immediately affected whenever he comes within cooee of a cat.

With airline prices being the way they are these days, it seems a high price to pay to find you’re sharing your journey with Fluffy and Fido. Virgin might think that they’re on a winner here, and that in keeping with the “hooray for everything” zeitgeist of the age, it’s merely the latest gesture of inclusivity and tolerance and understanding.

Surely our species has not spent millions of years clawing its way to the top of the food chain to sit on a plane next to a Labrador.

If owners are that determined to travel with their animals, there’s a spot on the plane already there for them, known as the undercarriage.

Originally published as Dogs on planes the latest gesture of inclusivity and tolerance and understanding | David Penberthy