‘Death is the ultimate reality’: Palliative care nurse on what happens when we die

Jatinder Kaur has held the hands of more people than she can count who have crossed over and passed away. As a palliative nurse she is surrounded by death almost every day.

Jatinder Kaur is a palliative care nurse at Modbury Hospital. Pic Roy Vandervergt

Jatinder Kaur is, at times, the final person people see before they die. Working as a palliative care nurse she treats her patients like royalty in their final moments of life and holds their hands as they often slowly pass away.

For Ms Kaur it is a “privilege”.

“It gives you life lessons, teaches you humility, teaches you how to stay grounded, it teaches you your place in the world,” she said.

“Nothing is forever. We’ve got to use every opportunity here to be nice to people who have been through so much.”

Ms Kaur, who has seen more death in the last month than most people see in their lifetime, said passing away is “not like what you see in the movies”.

“Death is … breathing and then at one point it will stop,” she said.

“Death is the ultimate reality. It’s uncertain and it’s understandable we don’t talk about it enough.”

Jatinder Kaur is a palliative care nurse at Modbury Hospital and is a finalist in the Palliative Care Awards. Pic Roy Vandervergt

While Ms Kaur is familiar with death in a way many are not, she said she is “no God”.

“We can’t tell that this is the day somebody’s gonna die but we are pretty close,” she said.

Ms Kaur, who’s worked at Modbury Hospital for almost three years, will tell loved ones when she believes the patient is ready to take their final breath.

She usually suggests couples lie together, holding hands, as their partner passes away.

“We often hear afterwards, ‘thank you for letting me lay down with him’ … that’s really special,” she said.

“We keep the patient in the room till everyone who wants to visit them has visited, then the doctor verifies (they’ve died) and we send them down to the mortuary.”

Patients who are admitted into the palliative care ward have a “do not resuscitate” order. (The Advertiser/ Morgan Sette)

All patients in the palliative care ward have a “do not resuscitate” order. They are often ready to die and are waiting for the moment.

During this time Ms Kaur makes them comfortable, talks to them and cares for them.

But when facing the “ultimate reality” patients find themselves confiding in Ms Kaur to unburden themselves from secrets they’ve held onto for a lifetime.

Ms Kaur remembered one patient who had been holding onto trauma and were desperate to relieve themselves.

“They were from another country and were in the war … but she had a very traumatic experience which she could not share with her children,” Ms Kaur said.

“She held my hand and she cried for a long while.

“That’s the beauty of palliative care, you don’t have to say too much, you only have to listen actively and empathise with people.”

A patient wrote birthday cards for all her friends before she passed away. Picture: Scott Campbell

Ms Kaur said many of her patients have left an impact on her but when she can relate to them, watching them pass away can be more painful than others.

“(I nursed) a mother of young children … I myself am a young mum to young children,” she said.

“I get really upset … they stay with you.”

Ms Kaur said her patient organised teddy bears which were fitted with recordings of the mum saying “happy birthday” and “I love you” to leave her children.

“We see life changing things in this ward and near miracles at times … people are leaving love legacies for others – you see so much love.”

Another patient spent her time deciphering likely how long her loved ones had left to live and wrote enough birthday cards to see them through.

“It’s amazing … a normal person like me would be more worried about me dying, but the focus for them has shifted to their loved one,” Ms Kaur said.

Despite being a nurse for many years Ms Kaur is not desensitised to death saying if a patients death doesn’t hurt she isn’t in the right place. Pic Roy Vandervergt

Despite constantly being surrounded by death and dying, Ms Kaur is not desensitised to the devastation.

“We are humans,” she said. “I think if it doesn’t hurt I’m not in the right place.

“I have my days when I cry a lot, when I’m upset, when you think you’ve done everything and they feel the same, but then your strong team comes behind you when they know you’re having a rough day.

“I’ve cried with my nurse manager Donna so many times. I’ve gone there and said ‘this is hard, this is very hard’.

“But then you remember all the people … families won’t remember my name but they’ll remember how (I) made their loved one feel.”

On her tough days Ms Kaur remembers one particular patient who told her she “wasn’t very important in anyone’s life”.

“But in all the shifts I was able to be part of her journey and she said, ‘I felt like a princess’.

“Those things keep you going … I think, ‘oh yes I’ve made a difference, I’ve done the right thing today’.

“People say palliative care is very emotionally draining but it’s equal … we give and we receive, we receive a lot as well.”

Ms Kaur was a finalist in the National Palliative Care Awards in the emerging leaders category this year.

Originally published as ‘Death is the ultimate reality’: Palliative care nurse on what happens when we die