‘You learn to live with it’: Toowoomba woman shares her struggles with grief around Mother’s Day

For many, Mother’s Day is a day to acknowledge all the amazing things mums do for their families, but for this Toowoomba woman it a reminder of a life lost too soon.

Lucinda Van Bael with her mum Clare Jensen before she passed away from an unexpected health issue.

Every year Lucinda Van Bael sees shops advertising Mother’s Day presents and as a mum herself she loves feeling recognised but she is also sadly reminded of the loss of her own mother.

Lucinda Van Bael who grew up on a dairy farm in Acland lost her mum unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm when she was just 14.

“It is very difficult to navigate an unexpected loss,” she said.

“Until you’ve lost a mother you can’t fully comprehend what it is like.”

Lucinda Van Bael with her mum Clare Jensen before she passed away from an unexpected health issue.

Ms Van Bael said losing her mother at such a young age was isolating and no matter how many years go by the reminders are constant.

“There’s this perception that you get over grief,” Ms Van Bael said.

“You don’t ever get over it, you learn to live with it.

“There’s still such a closed-off nature, to how people respond to grief and deal with grief.”

At 18, her father passed away of a heart attack and Ms Van Bael said she thinks he died of a broken heart.

Lucinda Van Bael with her two children Mia and Aiden Van Bael visiting the graves of Clare and Ron Jensen.

Ms Van Bael said Mother’s Day every year feels conflicting, as a mother now she loves that her kids celebrate her but she can’t help but think about her mum.

“Coming into Mother’s Day, it can also be quite triggering,” she said.

“The advertising campaigns that are all around, which are lovely for mothers, but it can also feel quite overwhelming with how everything is so commercialised.

“It’s on days like these where you struggle not having a mother.”

Ms Van Bael said she has spent almost half her life as a motherless daughter, and just five years ago she came across a group of other women who had gone through the same thing as her.

Walk and Talk event hosted by Motherless Daughters Australia in honour of mothers lost.

After joining Motherless Daughters, a community for women who have lost their mothers, Ms Van Bael said she finally felt seen and understood.

“It’s been a wonderful thing in my life,” she said.

“MDA has given me the space to say her name and now I can appreciate all that she was and all that she’s given me, and it makes me proud to be able to say her name, Clare Jensen.”
MDA was founded by Danielle Snelling who lost her mum to cancer when she was 23, and it brings women from around the country together.

Danielle Snelling founder of Motherless Daughters.

Ms Snelling said the lead up to Mother’s Day can be a really difficult reminder to people who have lost their mothers.

“I think it’s important to check in with people before Mother’s Day,” she said.

“Irrespective of how long ago their mum died, it’s still hard and it’s still a difficult time.

“They want to keep their mum alive through having conversations and from people remembering her.”

Over the years Ms Snelling said often people were uncomfortable bringing up her mum but all she wanted was to talk to someone about her grief.

Danielle Snelling founder of Motherless Daughters with her mum before she passed away from cancer.

“Push past the discomfort and have the conversation,” she said.

“Say their mum’s name and bring her back to life for a day.”