How Central Qld DV victim escaped violent men and her advice for other women

A mum and survivor of two serious domestic violence relationships has spoken candidly about her ordeals and the ‘life-changing’ help that guided her to a better life.

A Central Queensland mum and survivor of two serious domestic violence relationships has spoken candidly about her ordeals. Generic image.

“I was quite young,” a Central Queensland woman says as she begins to explain the first of two serious domestic violence relationships that almost killed her.

“I was probably a year out of high school.

“And I met a bloke through a friend.

“We became friends, then things got serious.”

Like most relationships, it started off well for Tracy (not her real name) and there were no red flags in the early days.

“It (domestic violence) didn’t really start happening until about a year into the relationship when drugs became involved,” Tracy explained.

“He came home from the pub drunk one night, and I was asleep.

“I had my daughter in my arms and he just punched me in the face.

“It just came out of nowhere.”

Tracy said the next day, her partner apologised profusely for what he had done and told her it wouldn’t happen again.

“And then me staying there (with him), obviously he thought that gave him permission to just keep doing it over, and over, and over again.”

The domestic violence did not stop - in fact it escalated to the point where the police became involved.

“I always had black eyes, always had bruises,” Tracy said.

“It just became a normal way of life I guess.”

So what triggered it?

“Drugs and alcohol,” Tracy said.

“That’s what I put it down to.

“But I guess I can’t blame that entirely because as I found out later on... he was always in fights at school, that type of stuff.”

Domestic violence. Generic image.

Tracy explained why she stayed in the relationship and did not leave her partner.

“When you’re in that situation, the safest place to be is there (with him).

“It was safer to know where he was then to be out and looking over my shoulder.

“Plus, I had nowhere else to go and he refused to leave.”

Multiple children and five years later, Tracy decided to try and get out.

“I did escape one time - and I was a missing person for three days.

“The police found me at my mate’s house and they took me back home.”

It was far from a welcoming return.

“At that point, he (partner) nearly killed me,” Tracy said.

“When the police left, he turned the music up and bashed me.

“He bashed me that bad after the police left.

“He burnt me - put cigarettes out on me - pulled my hair out, dragged me along the floor.

“And it was only that I was able to escape through the back door that I got away from him.

“I had to jump fences and I got to a neighbour’s place and they called the police.

“And when the police got there, I was bashed so badly they didn’t even recognise me.

“And that’s when I left (the relationship) - that was the breaking point, yeah.”

More than five years later, Tracy found herself in a second domestically violent relationship, this time with another man.

But just like the first, there was no violence at the beginning.

“I guess I should have realised red flags about three months into the relationship, when he said ‘we should travel’.

“I should have realised at that point that he was trying to take me away from my ‘supports’.

“Like I can see the red flags now, but my head space wasn’t really good at the time so I went with it.”

While interstate one night, Tracy’s partner told her to give him her bank card.

She asked why.

“He said ‘well it’s my money now - my (family member) needs money and you’re going to give it to them’.”

Tracy said she initially refused to provide her bank card and her partner punched her in the face, saying “you’ll do what I say.”

“To keep the peace I just handed it (card) over to him and that’s where it (domestic violence) started.”

Domestic violence. Generic image.

Tracy said because they were travelling and she had her children with her, she had nowhere else to go.

“It probably took about six months for the real, real harsh violence to kick in.

“And it kicked in - I was getting flogged with bits of poly pipe, I was getting punched in the face, I got stabbed, I got raped.

“I’d be locked up in a room and not allowed to go anywhere and all I tried to do was hide it from the kids.”

After enduring years of abuse, Tracy was able to leave this relationship when her partner was jailed.

But she said her nightmare continued as the man continued to write to her from jail with threats, despite there being orders in place preventing contact.

Tracy eventually relocated in Central Queensland.

She said because her ex-partner didn’t know where she’d moved to, that’s when she “found her strength again” and was able to talk about her DV experiences “openly.”

“For the first time I wasn’t embarrassed as a victim and I didn’t care what people thought.

“I thought, this is my story and this is how it goes - and if I’m going to help someone else out by talking about it, then I’m going to do it.”

Queensland Police Service. Generic image.

Along with relocating and talking to others about her experiences, Tracy said there was a true “life-changing” element of support she discovered recently, the Victim Information Register - adult offenders.

“If you’ve been with someone who’s been convicted of a domestic violence offence or any offence whatsoever that they have been jailed for, you can get on the register and they will tell you (the offender’s) movements, when they’re going for parole and even give you an opportunity to write to the Parole Board to express your feelings or concerns,” Tracy said.

“I’ve been on this register since the beginning of the year and it is amazing.

“They tell me his (offender’s) whereabouts and movements.

“It (the register) has been 100 per cent life changing.

“It has helped make me feel safe, made me feel like I can do it.

“I’m a survivor, I got through it.

“You see the news and all these (DV deaths) and you think to yourself ‘that could’ve been me’.

“No-one can ever say that ‘it’s not going to be me’.

“With (help/information from the register) at least you know you can live your life not looking over your shoulder.

“It’s a very good tool for victims to be aware of.”

Tracy, whose name was changed for this article to protect her identity and her children, is now in a happy relationship.

“Sometimes I do still see a counsellor (for what I’ve been through) but if me sharing my story just helps one other person or one child, then it’s worth it.”

Victim information register – adult offenders

Informs eligible people about important events in the sentences of those adult offenders they have registered against, according to the Corrective Services Act 2006.

You can apply to be on the Queensland Corrective Services (QCS) victims register to be kept informed about the person if you meet the criteria of an ‘eligible person’.

Information is only given for offenders who:

- have been sentenced to an offence

- are ordered to a period of imprisonment for that offence

- are under the supervision of QCS (either in a correctional facility or supervised by Community Corrections).

Find out if you are eligible to register HERE.

If the offender is under 18, refer to the Youth Justice register.

For more information about the Victim information register (adult offenders) and who is eligible to join, visit https://www.qld.gov.au/law/your-rights/victim-rights-and-complaints/victims-registers/adult

Originally published as How Central Qld DV victim escaped violent men and her advice for other women