Politicians need those sandbags

FREDERICK FRANKLY: I do not normally take notice of my fellow airline passengers but this man was impossible to miss.

ESSENTIAL ACCESSORIES: Sandbags are must-have items for our politicians, says NewsMaill columist Frederick Archer. Picture: Rob Wright

The following is an opinion piece written by NewsMail columnist Frederick Archer:

I DO not normally take notice of my fellow airline passengers but this man was impossible to miss.

He must have towered at least six feet eight inches with shoulders like the span of a traffic bridge.

He came thundering into the reception lounge with all the subtlety of a steam express locomotive.

In his left hand he held a barbell marked 500 kilos, plus a briefcase.

Possibly as a counterbalance, in his right he carried his suitcase plus a vaulting pole, while with alternate feet he dribbled a rugby ball.

Gripping the vaulting pole with his teeth he leapt over the security booth to land in front of the plane and with one swift boot planted the ball through the cockpit window knocking the pilot cold.

In admiration I raced up to him and gushed: "You, sir, are the greatest sportsman I have ever seen."

"How dare you," he thundered in reply. "I have never taken drugs or bribes in my life."

Naturally, I beat a hasty retreat and bumped into an air hostess.

"My fault," she said. "I was looking at our pilot, he is out for the count. Looks like I shall have to fly the plane yet again."

I gazed at her in astonishment.

"Pardon me for saying so, but you are a shorty. How are you going to reach the controls?"

"Same as I always do, by sitting on the pilot's lap," she replied.

"But surely that is dangerous?" I objected

"Not in the least," she replied. "He never even tries to kiss me. Anyway this plane is so powerful it can get itself airborne."

"But what about landing?" I asked in horror.

"No worries," the hostess replied confidently. "The pilot should be conscious by then. If he is not I can always read the book How to Land an Airliner."

Reassured, I took my place in the aircraft.

It was a window seat and I was surprised to see several beautifully suited men climbing onto the roof.

I called the attendant.

"No worries," I was assured yet again. "They are parliamentarians likely to lose their seats in the coming election. Riding on top of the plane gives them good practice in getting the wind up."

I fell into conversation with the chap sitting next to me.

"I, sir," he said with obvious pride, "am a sandbag salesman."

"You sell to flood-affected regions, do you?" I asked.

"Dear me, no. That is for the lower class of sandbags. Those that have sand in them. My product is for the photoshoots when you show politicians helping. A far fancier type of bag for public display only and definitely not to be soiled with sand."

"What would happen if one of fancy bags accidentally got sand into it?"

"That must never happen," he said sternly. "Being politicians they would use them as weapons to sneak up behind their enemies and cosh them behind the ear."

"You mean members of his opposition party?" I asked innocently. He did not bother to reply. Obviously I was not the type to buy one of his sandbags.

Originally published as Politicians need those sandbags