‘No, no, no!' way to win

FREDERICK FRANKLY: I had to allow myself a moment of pride. I mean, he is one of the most powerful public servants in Canberra.

NEWSMAIL COLUMNIST: Frederick Archer shares his viewpoints. . Picture: Scottie Simmonds

I HAD to allow myself a moment of pride. I mean, he is one of the most powerful public servants in Canberra and he had just said: "We need to consult you urgently. One of our more prominent politicians needs your help and you have some little knowledge of how to control women."

"I could not have phrased it more accurately myself," I acknowledged, as it was obviously the complete truth.

Right on cue a voice in the next room started chanting, "No! No! No!"

"And that is his positive speech," the PS said. "He cannot understand why women do not vote for him."

"Perhaps he is envious of the PM?" I ventured.

"Not at all. He simply wants her job. Luckily for his peace of mind he believes the king will set things right when he hears of the situation in the country."

"But we have had a queen since about 1956," I reminded him.

"Quiet," hissed the PS. "We try to shelter our leaders from the crude truths of life. It allows them to concentrate on point scoring against their opponents and fellow party members if they are not distracted by reality.

"Now it is up to you to help him capture the female vote," the PS continued, "No lies, mind. At least no lies that can be revealed by his many enemies."

"His political opponents?"

"Worse. His party members."

"Easily fixed," I sniggered. "I shall rely on statistics. With statistics one can say everything and nothing. What percentage votes for him?"

"There is his wife, his daughters and his mother. They are the only ones who will admit to it."

"All intelligent women vote as their husbands direct," I explained. "Say 50%. The other 50% who are without sufficient male guidance waste their vote on his opponents. The solution is simple," I said, almost laughing. Then I had a brief moment of the old fear.

"Our wives can't hear us, can they?"

"Of course not. This is a federal building, impenetrable to all terrorists."

"Excellent," I said, regaining my authority. "As I was saying, he could cancel

women's rights to vote."

"Impossible, his wife would not let him."

"In that case, all that is needed is a training scheme to enable husbands to teach their wives and daughters to obey."

Just then, right on cue, came an anguished cry from the other room.

"NO! NO! NO!"

"Oh dear," said the PS. "I fear he has slipped back into his old negative position yet again."

Originally published as ‘No, no, no!' way to win