Just a sucker for an easy line

WHEN my darling wife suggested a cruise along the Queensland coast, I leapt to agree.

WHEN my darling wife suggested a cruise along the Queensland coast, I leapt to agree.

I had heard the old tales about the sea affecting women, such as some are susceptible to alcohol, so within minutes my heart pacemaker was over-revving and lurid thoughts filled my head.

It was only after I had paid for two berths that I found out my wife expected to accompany me.

At first I was bitterly disappointed. Then I remembered my heart specialist had warned me to avoid all forms of excitement.

By taking my wife I had probably extended my lifespan by many years.

Speaking of the word wife, a lady from New Zealand told us that whenever her husband wanted to stir her pot, he would tell her "wife" stood for washing, ironing, food and entertainment.

Now I know a further way to annoy the boss.

She also confessed to being an Australian who, as a young girl, had gone to NZ on a holiday.

A couple of old ladies on her coach tour warned her the driver was taking a serious interest in her.

Now, they have been married some 28 years and still walk hand in hand.

I thought 'This is sweet' and said so to my own Darling.

"Every woman falls for a skilled bus driver with good looks," she said.

She often remarks that my driving is getting worse.

The ship was steady and the weather perfect which tempted us to use the deck lounging chairs. Bad move.

They are so low I could only get up with the aid of my wife and the occasional fellow passenger helping. Not a pretty sight or a help in impressing other females.

My wife, on the other hand, had to impress by insisting on a full beauty treatment - face massage, back rub - with everything covered in frangipani oil.

Having seen the cost, I tried in vain to assure her she would be gilding the lily by undergoing the service. No luck, just money down the drain.

Husband's Handbook, chapter two, page three: "Never say anything against what your wife wants to hear."

I preferred to spend my money on only substantial things to restore her good looks so downed more than a few hot sarsaparillas. Wonderful as a cosmetic.

The more I drink, the better the women look.

I went ashore when we visited an island and bought my Sweetness a necklace.

Having presented it to her, she gushed: "You should not have bought me anything" and promptly pulled out her jeweller's loupe and examined the necklace for purity of the gold.

Then she repeated: "You should not have bought me this."

At the next port I lashed out on a lovely stuffed octopus felt toy.

Some ladies on the ship asked what my wife's reaction had been and I could say with pride: "She thought it was delightful.".

"Good," they said. "That is what we told her to say."

Oddly, when l purchased the beast I overheard the dealer say to his wife "sucker" and then, realising I had caught what he said, hastily added: "The octopus. We call him Sucker."

Nice to know someone else shares my taste in souvenirs.

As for romance, I only had one experience and that was quite frightening.

This lady of uncertain age kept following me all around the ship.

Eventually I had to ask: "Do I know you, madam?"

"Not really," she admitted. "It is just you remind me of my fifth husband."

"Good lord," I said taken aback. "Have you really been married five times?".

"No," she replied, "only four."

As I said at the beginning, go for the cruise - just be warned of the danger of onboard romances.

Originally published as Just a sucker for an easy line