Ballet performance commands encore

FREDERICK FRANKLY: I had no idea I was such an avid ballet dancer fan until my wife said “You will take me to the ballet and you will enjoy it”.

DANCING DILEMMA: Bundaberg NewsMail columnist Frederick Archer gets an education in ballet.

I HAD no idea I was such an avid ballet dancer fan until my wife said "You will take me to the ballet and you will enjoy it".

Issued with such an unquestionable order I quickly replied, "Of course, my dear" and exited as rapidly as possible.

Knowing nothing about ballet I went to the font of all knowledge, my mate, Cyril at the pub.

"It's a confidence trick," he said immediately. "What? That I always have to buy the beer?"

"No, the ballet, do you know why all the girls have to prance around on tip toe?"

I had to admit I did not.

"In the 18th century," Cyril continued, "when ballet started in Russia, there was always a famine. Consequently, few girls got enough to eat and grow up. A tall dancer was a rarity and so could command a comparatively good wage when the bloke who thought up the idea of ballet realised shorter girls were a glut on the market and would dance for very little, he hired only them. So the audience would not realise his girls were all stunted he made all his dancers go up on their toes to look taller."

Somehow I felt I was not really learning much from Cyril for once, so I left and hired a DVD on ballet.

It was obviously so easy I decided to try it myself.

I climbed into an old singlet and a pair of long johns left over from my trip to Canberra, pulled on a pair of jockey shorts two sizes too small, as ballet tradition demanded, and, as I had no dancing slippers, thirsted my feet into my wellington boots.

Thus suitably attired, I dashed upstairs and grabbed my wife from the bathroom.

Holding her above my head with one hand I slid down the staircase railing, jumped on to the table, twirled around thrice then leapt through our glass door on to the outside deck. Naturally, I landed only on my big left toe and posed there for five minutes holding my wife still aloft.

There was an enthusiastic cry of "Encore, encore" from the old man next door.

Personally I thought my performance was purely routine that any outstanding star of ballet could have performed after years of unrelenting training.

Then I realised the old man's joy might not have been for my dancing but the fact my wife was having a shower when I snatched her from the bathroom.

Also our glass doors had been closed when I crashed through them. I felt it distracted a little from my dance.

That and the fact that all pirouetting was ruining the toes of my wellingtons made me decide to give up ballet.

I would let the art revert to lesser beings.

Let the Russians have it.

Originally published as Ballet performance commands encore