Anthony Albanese convinced if he doesn’t say ‘China’ then everything will be sweet

The Prime Minister seems convinced that if he crawls under his metaphorical desk, covers his eyes and doesn’t say that one word, then everything will be sweet, writes Mike O’Connor.

When the nuclear arms race was at its most threatening during the Cold War of the fifties and sixties schoolchildren were told that in the event of a nuclear attack, they should get under their desks and put their hands over their eyes.

Fortunately the effectiveness of this was never put to the test but it was generally agreed that the only difference it would make would be that rather than dying sitting up, you would be atomised lying down.

Do you remember the 50s and 60s when during the Cold War schoolchildren were told in the event of a nuclear attack to hide under their desks? Picture: Getty Images

Prime Minister Albo Albanese is a child of the sixties and may well remember this flawed strategy. Certainly it is one he has embraced with our international relations, the advice being to Australians to put their hands over their eyes and everything will be fine.

As part of this tactic, the PM has developed a speech defect in that he is unable to say the “C’’ word. Labor heroes Bob Hawke and Paul Keating didn’t have trouble pronouncing the “C” word or the “F” word or any of the other richly descriptive nouns, verbs, adverbs and adjectives with which the English language is blessed.

Albo, however just can’t bring himself to say “China”. It’s not a particularly big word, possessing but a modest two syllables but the PM just can’t seem to be able to get his tongue around it.

He seems to be convinced that if he crawls under his metaphorical desk, covers his eyes and doesn’t say “China” then everything will be sweet.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese. Picture: AP

His recent performance at the National Press Club when asked if he thought that in the context of the debate about defence spending, China was a national security threat to Australia was masterclass in evasion.

“I think that our engagement with the region and the world needs to be diplomatic, needs to be mature and needs to avoid the, you know, attempts to simplify what are a complex set of relationships. And Australian journalists should do the same,” he said.

When pressed as to whether China posed a military threat he replied: “We have strategic competition in the region. We have that, we have a Defence Strategic Review which outlines what Australia’s defence needs are.”

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese meets with China’s President Xi Jinping at the Great Hall of the People in Beijing in 2023. Picture: AAP

So there you have it. “It’s all too complex for poor idiots like the average Australian to comprehend and it would be helpful if pesky journalists stopped asking questions which included the “C” word because everyone knows I have enormous difficulty in pronouncing it.”

Chinese takeaway anyone? Sorry, you must mean Strategic Competition takeaway.

“Best not to say anything” is now our national policy. “You know how touchy they are. If we annoy them they might stop buying our lobster and Penfolds Grange again so best go easy.”

We have lived through a golden age of peace down here in our blessed little corner of the world. Bombs and missiles cause death and destruction 20,000km away and we watch the videos safe in the knowledge that it is only happening on the screens of our device of choice, the images occupying a few seconds of our ever-shrinking attention span.

Nothing to worry about down here. The Americans, however, have warned us that for the first time in our history we may find ourselves involved in armed conflict within our borders but we still have our hands over our eyes.

Politicians, driven by self interest rather than the good of the nation, hate spending on defence because there are no votes in buying guided missiles. Free child care, electricity bill rebates, uncapped NDIS spending? Yes, that’s the stuff. Absolutely! Plenty of votes to be had there but not defence.

If you wander down to Newstead Park in Brisbane and enjoy the winter sunshine and maybe head over to the Brekkie Creek Hotel for a cold one, you will pass a plinth atop which is a stylised bald eagle, the national bird of the United States.

The plaque reads: “This monument was erected by the people of Queensland in grateful memory of the contribution made by the people of the United States of America to the defence of Australia during the 1939-1945 war.”

The Americans have made it clear we are not pulling our weight and they’re tired of it. If Albo doesn’t overcome his speech impediment, admit to the threat we face and get out from under the desk, there may not be any more monuments like this erected on our shores.

Originally published as Anthony Albanese convinced if he doesn’t say ‘China’ then everything will be sweet