Age old question – why are some older men so boring?

Yes, it’s provocative to target a whole gender, but many ageing men aren’t curious. They rarely ask questions, and generally aren’t interested in the answer, writes ANGELA MOLLARD.

These three elderly people - one woman and two men - look at the camera frowning seriously in annoyance, showing their disapproval and disappointment.

Recently I was sitting round with a bunch of middle-aged blokes after my Saturday morning swim and after discussing the Voice, the superiority of pistachios over almonds and the disappointing realisation that drinking beer basically had the effect of velcroing the full tins to their waist, the talk turned to nuclear energy.

Should we be discussing it? Where might we dispose of the nuclear waste? Did Australia’s geography make it more plausible than renewables?

They were all talking over each other to make their points until one bloke turned to me.

“What do you think Ange?” he asked.

I was not prepared. Not about nuclear energy because I know exactly what I think about that. Rather, I have become so used to men – particularly in groups – being performative in conversation by trying to outwit or outbrain each other that I’d forgotten what it was like to have one ask a question.

“I wonder if we need to change the word ‘nuclear’,” I said. “We flinch at it because the connotations are so alarming yet if we rebranded it with something a little more palatable …”

The chat turned into a hilarious brainstorming for new terms for nuclear energy.

As Ted Lasso quotes Walt Whitman: “Be curious, not judgmental”.

It was funny, dynamic, collegial and as I walked away – having learnt that “fracking” was similarly sanitised with the less emotive “well stimulation” – I realised how rare these conversations have become.

The problem? Ageing men aren’t curious. They rarely ask questions. If they do it’s a courtesy and they’re not much interested in the answer.

I know it’s provocative to target an entire gender and as with anything there are plenty of outliers but since entering the 50-plus age group I’ve become disappointed by the lack of wonderment and enquiry in so many men. I know many lose their hearing, their mobility and, in some cases, their libido but that can be managed.

It’s the smalling of their worlds, the narrowing of their thinking, the inability to ask a simple question that troubles me most.

Again, it’s a generalisation but women become more expansive as they age.

Unshackled from childrearing and domestic drudgery they start to look outwards, to foster new interests and use the fresh injection of time to explore friendships and the world outside.

Even in the dating world older women lament prospective partners rarely ask questions.

Friends, re-entering the dating world, lament that so many men fail to ask even a single question.

I regard this lack of interest more with curiosity than consternation. What going on at middle-age that inhibits men’s conversation because listening numbers for podcasts such as The Rest is History suggest they do remain hungry for knowledge?

I think a few things happen. Men exiting the workforce where their jobs have been their key identifier lose not only their purpose but the essence of themselves.

Years of toil have prevented broad interests or connections and if they’re not easy in company they will revert to discussing what they know and what they think. Yet what you already know is boring; it’s what you don’t know and what you might discover that makes life expansive.

Further, I think early family life too often sets up dull socialising norms which finds men gathered at one end of a table and women at the other. I get it. New mothers congregate to discuss their babies and the blokes are lumped together.

Yet it’s boring for both. During those years I craved to speak about anything except children and I imagine plenty of men, not all of whom see conversation as a competition, welcome the nuance.

I also suspect it’s how men talk that stymies their curiosity. Historically they would have slain a bison, hauled it back to the village and regaled their mate with how they did it. The next man, surveying the slaughter enviously, would’ve responded by chronicling how he last felled a beast.

OLD HEIRARCHIES

Today’s retired Boomers will have largely worked in male-dominated industries where old hierarchies meant more directives and less discussion. Diverse workplaces are bringing about change but the legacy of these environments leaves some older men lack social fluency. As Ted Lasso quotes Walt Whitman: “Be curious, not judgmental.”

Finally, I think they’re scared. In the last decade there’s been such a global reckoning around how men and women interact that some are opting out for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and being shamed. That’s understandable. But genuine interest in another person and their life is rarely cause for offence. What have you been up to? What do you think? They’re both good questions. Even better is to listen closely to the answer and find something about which you can enquire more. Richness and connection are always in the second question.

I suspect as women age they may have equally annoying attributes – feel free to enlighten me on the email below – but generally we find commonality. My teenage daughter, raised on my “always ask a question” philosophy, recently bemoaned a long conversation with a middle-aged relatiive when she asked about his work in banking.

“I’ll never get those 20 minutes back,” she said. “The least he could’ve done was ask me a question.”

[e-mail]/angelamollard

Originally published as Age old question – why are some older men so boring?