Simple request that sparked years of financial abuse and coercive control

When Rose’s husband made a seemingly reasonable request – it kick-started years of abuse that the mother-of-five is still recovering from.

Every night after dinner for most of the 12 years she was married, Rose* was interrogated over every cent she spent.

For most of her married life she didn’t think this was unusual.

“We were together for almost 13 years and we have five children,” she told news.com.au.

“When I look back at our relationship there were a lot of red flags there but it was progressive.”

Rose was in her early 20s when she got married and the first three years with her partner were good. However, not long after they began having children there were a couple of instances of physical abuse but mostly she was subject to coercive and controlling behaviour, including financial abuse.

“The first red flag when I look back on it, is when he informed me that I had to close my (bank) account and use one account,” she said.

“I was naive and I didn’t see that as a red flag. It made sense to have everything coming out of one account.”

However, once they started having kids, Rose said she wasn’t allowed to spend any money on herself and had to justify every expense.

“He would scrutinise the bank statements every night, generally after dinner when the kids were asleep,” she said.

“A lot of the time I would get confused and I couldn’t remember what the amounts were for.”

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At the time, Rose said she didn’t know how to use internet banking so couldn’t look at the statements herself. If she wanted to see the transactions she would have to open the mail before he did, or go to the bank and ask for a printed copy of their statement.

In contrast to her husband, Rose was completely in the dark about his spending.

“Most of the time I was none the wiser about what he spent money on,” she said.

Rose, now 43, said it took a long time to become comfortable with spending money on herself.

“I was questioning myself, asking ‘should I spend this money?’,” she said.

“All the money had to be spent on the kids, if I wanted a pedicure, I would think, ‘I shouldn’t be spending on myself.’

“It’s only been for the last two or three years that I’ve been in a place where if I want to go and have a massage, then I go and have a massage. If I want to have my hair done then I’m comfortable getting my hair done.”

Towards the end of their relationship Rose began doing odd jobs just so she could have some secret money to do things for herself.

“I wanted to do it in peace and there be no trace of money being taken out of the bank account or anything,” she said.

“If I had my way again, I would have had some money going into a joint account rather than having solely a joint account because I basically had nothing when I separated.”

RELATED: Domestic and family violence is Australia’s national shame

There is increasing recognition about the impact of coercive control in relationships. Picture: iStock

‘I was brainwashed’

Her husband’s controlling behaviour also extended into other areas of their life together.

Rose wasn’t allowed to be sitting down or relaxing when he got home, even when she was pregnant with their children.

“He would say ‘so you’ve got time to sit on your arse and do nothing?’,” she said.

If she responded that she’d been cleaning all day, she would have to explain everything she had cleaned.

The control also extended to her workplace. She worked on and off in the years when they had their first three children and and later returned to full-time work.

“If I wasn’t in my office when he called, he would ring my mobile. I would have to explain to him why I wasn’t at my desk or why I didn’t answer my phone,” she said.

“Even if all this made me feel uncomfortable, I didn’t see it as a big problem, only now I see all the things that were going on, I wonder why did I put up with it?

“I was brainwashed and he said if I left I would never survive on my own and he would never support me and the kids. And he would do everything in his power to have the kids, with me never having contact.”

Things started to change when her husband went away for about six months in 2011.

“I matured a lot, raising four kids on my own, my eyes were wide open. So when he came back I was completely different, I wasn’t going to put up with that crap.

“He hated it, I stood up to him in 2013 when I realised he was having an affair. I was being blamed for him having an affair.”

This type of behaviour is now being recognised as coercive control, which is a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviours within a relationship. While it is not treated as a crime in most states and territories, there are proposals that may see this change.

The issue came to prominence in Australia last year after the death of Hannah Clarke, whose husband murdered her and their three children by setting them alight in their car, after she was subject to years of coercive control including being isolated from others, and subject to control over who she spoke to and what she wore.

RELATED: Hannah Clarke’s parents push for coercive control laws

Hannah Clarke with one of her three children, who were all killed by her husband Rowan Baxter.

Ex-husband tried to control her even after divorce

Even after they divorced, Rose said her former husband still wanted to exert control over her and tried to use the court system to do this.

Despite Rose going to the police station with bruising on her neck in the early 2000s and later being clipped by his car so that she fell and got cuts and bruises on her hands and knees, she was never able to get a Domestic Violence Order (DVO) in the Northern Territory.

“Because I wasn’t bleeding or had a broken foot or something, it was not, in the police’s eyes, worth taking out a DVO,” she said.

Following one incident when he blocked the door of the study so Rose couldn’t get out of the room, then turned the electricity off, police did bar him from the property for 48 hours but Rose was never successful in any other actions.

However, her husband was able to convince police to grant four interim DVOs that impacted her access to her children for about 18 months, based on unsubstantiated allegations that Rose had been physically disciplining two of the kids.

These orders usually coincided with family law proceedings and were eventually dismissed or withdrawn based on them being frivolous and vexatious.

During this time her former husband would ring the police to conduct welfare checks on their children to try and breach Rose but each time police attended her home they could find nothing to warrant the welfare check.

“I was reporting stuff but couldn’t manage to get anything. How could he try to get four DVOs against me? I was found innocent, I’m the victim,” Rose said.

She said she is still only getting about $120 a month in child support from him, to help raise their five children. She believes the low amount is due to her ex-husband running his own business and being able to hide his real income.

In fact when she returned to work part-time, earning about $49,000 a year, she was forced to pay him about $180 a week in child support. She ended up leaving her job for other unrelated reasons so is again relying on his $120 a month contribution.

“The only way that can change is if the ATO (Australian Taxation Office) decides to audit him,” she said.

“I know I’m dealing with a narcissist but I can never fathom how a father can do that to his kids. I get that they want to hurt their ex-partner but at the end of the day it hurts our children.”

Rose said her best advice for other women who may be in the same position is to start taking notes of things that happen so they can look over this later. Going to see a counsellor or women’s legal service can also help.

She said the help she received from the Women’s Legal Service Australia (WLSA) in fighting the DVOs being brought against her by her former husband was “absolutely imperative”.

“When I was first dealing with a legal firm, they had no empathy or compassion,” she said.

“There were numerous times I was balling my eyes out and it was cold, there was no care for the victim and what was going on.”

Her experience with the legal service was very different.

“If I needed to go in and I was crying, the social worker would ask what was happening, and if a lawyer was available, they took 10 minutes to understand if something had happened.

“The best thing that happened to me was going to the Central Australia Women’s Legal Service, I wish I had been involved with them from day dot.”

Huge boost for women’s legal services

Last week the Federal Government announced it would provide an extra $129 million in funding for specialised women’s legal services such as the WLSA, which the organisation has welcomed.

Women’s Legal Service Australia spokeswoman Angela Lynch said the budget investment was significant and it acknowledged the scale of the issue of gendered violence.

“Our services are so chronically under-resourced that there are so many women we haven’t been able to help. This ongoing support over four years gives us hope that more women and children will get the help they need,” she said.

“For many women and children at risk, the justice system and courts are the only pathway to find safety, and specialised legal support is essential to keeping them safe through that process.”

She said the organisations didn’t just provide legal advice but also a range of “wraparound” specialised services.

“Without that extra support like financial counselling and social work, many women feel they’re unable to leave their partner safely and keep their children safe and supported,” she said.

Ms Lynch also welcomed the extra funds for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander family legal services, which provide the culturally sensitive support needed to tackle violence in indigenous communities.

However, she warned the $60.8 million to improve family law case management would not create a ‘safe, child-centred’ system without urgent law reform being prioritised.

One example, she said was the assumption of “shared parental responsibility” that gives violent men an incentive to litigate and puts children at risk.

“This dangerous presumption routinely gives violent perpetrators continued access to their victims and has already caused preventable deaths,” she said.

“Survivors have been clear: it must go.”

She said WLSA looked forward to having a seat at the table at the July National Women’s Safety Summit and seeing commitments ensure the safety of women and children in the legal and justice systems.

RELATED: Budget boost for domestic violence programs

‘Excited for the future’

Thanks to the help from the women’s legal service, Rose was able to successfully defend against the DVOs from her former husband and maintain the family court orders that their children live with her, although they do spend time with their father.

While she still has her good and bad days, Rose says she has been a lot happier and has enrolled in university, with the hopes of getting into social work.

“I hope to work in the DV sector and assist other women – that’s now my passion,” she said.

“I’m excited for the future and I’m looking towards the future.”

* Name has been changed

[e-mail] | @charischang2

Originally published as Simple request that sparked years of financial abuse and coercive control