Brave DV survivor Kristy Drower shares story of husband’s abuse

Kristy Drower’s husband threatened to kill her, choked her, pulled her hair, and once tied her up and sexually assaulted her in their bedroom. Now he’s in jail and she finally feels safe.

From the outside, Kristy Drower’s home looked to be a happy and safe place, but behind closed doors she was stuck in an “insidious” marriage: attacked, threatened, harassed and even raped by the man she married.

Over several years, her husband threatened her life, choked her, pulled her by her hair, and on one occasion tied her up and sexually assaulted her in their bedroom.

She was told she was crazy, convinced it wasn’t a big deal and, worst of all, that it was her fault.

But, after finding the strength to finally tell police about what was going on in her marriage, Ms Drower is ready to talk about the man who attacked her.

Kristy Drower, who suffered attacks from husband for years. Picture: Tim Hunter

Peter Michael Denham. Picture: Supplied

“I had no autonomy. I had no freedom. I had no safety,” she told The Sunday Telegraph.

“It was so horrific that I was petrified to my core of him.”

Peter Michael Denham was this week found of guilty of 10 charges against Ms Drower, including common assault, aggravated sex assault-deprive liberty, intimidation, and attempt to choke with intent to commit indictable offence.

The charges related to incidents between 2011 and 2019.

Ms Drower told the court she initially believed her husband was her “knight in shining armour”, after meeting when they were just teenagers.

But she said before long she was controlled, manipulated and attacked by her husband.

“I was isolated from all my support systems, I had no confidence in myself, no one to turn to,” she told The Telegraph.

“I thought I was going crazy because of the way he would manipulate situations to make me think they didn’t happen, or that it was my fault.”

During a trial lasting almost three weeks, the court heard he threatened to kill Ms Drower, telling her: “If you think of walking out the door, I’ll f..king kill you.”

Questioned on whether he ever threatened to kill her, he told the court there was “no malice” behind his threats.

“I have bad vocabulary,” he told the court.

“Sounds like something stupid I would have said, I was young and dumb. It was me talking shit, being a dickhead.”

But during the trial, he denied assaulting her, denied raping her, denied he was an abuser, even telling police he would “make a mockery” of his ex-wife if the matter went to trial.

On several occasions he painted Kristy as the problem.

“Hearing him say I was the abuser, that I was the aggressor, that I was this evil woman … What was I supposed to do, sit back and take it,” she said.

“I was trying to survive. It was just decades of hell.”

She finally left the marriage in 2019, after her mental health deteriorated so much that she was planning to take her own life.

Kristy Drower said she finally feels safe for the first time in years. Picture: Tim Hunter.

The question of why she stayed for so many years is one she is still asked, and one that hurts every time.

“You literally leave with nothing – I had no money, no clothes, nowhere to live because I couldn’t go back to the house and get anything,” she said.

“There is so much shame around that question, and you wonder why you did stay.

“But it is easier and safer to stay. You’re in that much fear, in terror, you don’t know when they might come for you.”

Ms Drower said it took time to find the right police to take her abuse claims seriously, after she was misidentified as the aggressor.

But after a detective from the Central Coast took over her case, she finally felt heard and understood.

“I finally felt like I had someone on my side, and someone who could help me,” she said.

After Denham was charged in 2022, Ms Drower began an agonising 2½-year journey for justice. There were months of waiting for a trial date, two long days on the witness stand, and more than 22 hours waiting on a jury to return a verdict.

On Thursday, for the first time in a very long time, she felt safe.

She finally felt her horrific experience had been taken seriously.

“I’ve been fighting for myself for years, and for other victims of domestic violence,” Ms Drower said.

“I have so much compassion for my younger self after reliving so much during the trial.

“There was so much shame around my experience but finally I feel like that’s gone.”

Denham has been refused bail, and will return before the courts for sentencing later this year.

COURTS URGED TO USE NEW PENALTIES

Abusers who deliberately breach court orders put in place to protect their victims will face increased penalties as part of changes to NSW domestic violence laws – but survivors are concerned the changes do not go far enough.

New categories for breaches of apprehended domestic violence orders (ADVOs) were introduced last week, increasing penalties in the case of persistent or deliberate breaches.

Persistent breaches carry a maximum penalty of five years in prison. A similar penalty applies for breaching the newly introduced Serious Domestic Abuse Prevention Order.

It is already an offence to breach an ADVO, carrying a maximum penalty of two years imprisonment, but people who intentionally breach an order to cause harm or fear to the protected person can now face up to three years behind bars.

Victims of domestic violence are calling on courts to use laws available to them to punish abusers. File picture: iStock

Kristy Drower, who’s ex-husband was last week found guilty of years of domestic violence against her, said she was pleased higher penalties had been introduced, but questioned whether the courts would enforce them.

“This is a step forward for victims … but the courts so often just give a slap on the wrist,” she said.

“The judicial system isn’t harsh enough on perpetrators, so while this sounds like a good move, it really needs to be put into practice.”

According to data from the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research, the majority of people who breached an AVO last year were sentenced to a community-based order.

In 2023, just 822 of the 6838 AVO breach matters that went through the courts ended in a jail sentence. In more than 2200 cases, offenders were given a supervised community sentence and in 1200 cases, an unsupervised community sentence.

Minister for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Jodie Harrison said these new laws were a “vital step” to improve the safety and security of victim-survivors.

“We want to ensure that any person fleeing domestic and family violence has a safe pathway to healing and recovery,” she said.

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Originally published as Brave DV survivor Kristy Drower shares story of husband’s abuse