The sex myths holding you back from greater intimacy and how to fix them

These nine sex myths are alarmingly common - and they can lead to dissatisfaction and even major issues in the bedroom.

Sexual myths (SMs) are a roadblock to a thriving sexual connection.

SMs are false beliefs and attitudes that influence a couple’s sex life. They’re unquestioned, implicit ideas and can contribute to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary pressure.

If entrenched, SMs can lead to dissatisfaction or issues in the bedroom. It’s important to identify the myth you hold and work in opposition to it.

We’ve outlined some SMs and how to oppose them here.

Keep in mind many SMs exist and this list is by no means exhaustive.

Spontaneity is key SM

This is the belief sex should always be spontaneous and unplanned. Holding this myth, however, can lead to no sex. With busy lives, it is easy for sex to slip off the priority list.

This myth disregards the importance of communication and intentionality in a healthy and active sex life.

Solution: schedule sex into your life. In the My Love Your Love app, we have created an exercise where you discuss and schedule sex called Making Time for Sexy Time.

Penetrative sex is the only real sex SM

This is the misconception that sex is only valid if it involves penetrative intercourse.

Such a myth neglects the diversity of sexuality and intimate activities while adding pressure to perform penetrative sex, potentially leading to performance issues both in men and women.

It neglects other forms of sexual pleasure that can be equally or more sexually satisfying. Solution: spend more time on non-penetrative sex. See foreplay as sex, rather than something that happens before sex. Try a no-penetration sex challenge and focus on touching only.

Try a no-penetration sex challenge and focus on touching only. Picture: iStock

Orgasms are requisite for satisfaction SM

This myth perpetuates the idea that every sexual encounter must lead to orgasm for both partners to consider it successful or satisfying.

Holding onto this myth will lead to frustrations and even resentments. Orgasms are great, but they can be elusive, particularly if you are stressed, depressed or stuck in your thoughts. Performance pressure is real when it comes to arousal and orgasm. The more pressure you put on yourself to be aroused or to orgasm, the more elusive that arousal and orgasm will be.

People are different in their capacity to orgasm, so by holding onto this myth you will be unknowingly adding pressure to yourself or your partner, which will inevitably result in the opposite effect.

Solution: when having sex, focus on the process rather than the end result. Spend more time in foreplay and be okay with ending sex if you are no longer feeling the desire.

Desire declines in long-term relationships SM

This myth assumes desire diminishes as individuals age in long-term relationships.

Holding this assumption will inevitably result in your sexual connection being neglected.

Age may be one factor that influences sexual desire, but there are also many others, including changes to physical health, mental health, relationship dynamics and attitudes around sex. Holding such a myth discounts the need to invest in your sexual connection no matter what life stage you are in. It also overlooks the potential for fulfilling and enjoyable sex lives at any life stage.

Solution: prioritise your sex life. Talk about sex regularly. Reignite passion and desire.

No communication is needed SM

This myth assumes partners should know each other’s desires and preferences without the need for open and honest communication. This can result in unsatisfying sexual encounters and avoidance of sex.

Everyone is different and will have different preferences when it comes to arousal and sex. You’re unlikely to have the same preferences as each other or previous partners.

Solution: talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like.

More is always better SM

This is the misconception that the quantity of sexual encounters is proportional to the quality of a relationship. It prioritises the quantity over the quality of sexual encounters, ignoring the importance of emotional connection and intimacy.

Solution: take the focus away from how much sex you are having and focus on the quality of the sex you are having. Schedule time to sexually connect when you won’t be interrupted or rushed.

Sexual myths (SMs) are a roadblock to a thriving sexual connection. Picture: iStock

Sex should be perfect every time SM

This myth is about believing every sexual encounter should be flawless and without any challenges or awkward moments.

Holding such a view will inevitably lead to disappointments and frustrations. Sex can be exposing and messy. You may encounter awkward positions, sensations and sounds.

Arousal varies day to day, and can be influenced by current health and how present you are. So it’s impossible for each sexual encounter to be flawless.

Solution: try to see every sexual encounter as an opportunity to be with your partner. Focus on the intention and connection rather than a set of outcomes.

Effortless and natural SM

This is the notion that good sex should happen naturally and effortlessly without any need for learning, practise or effort.

Sex is something we get better at with practice and exploration, so holding the myth that it should be effortless and natural not only results in disappointing sex but also doesn’t allow you to explore the potential of your sexual connection.

Solution: discuss with your partner what kind of sex you both would like for this particular sexual encounter. Be open to new experiences and give encouraging feedback throughout.

Be open to new experiences and give encouraging feedback throughout. Picture: iStock

Men always want sex/women don’t SM

This myth involves stereotypical assumptions about gender and sexuality, perpetuating the idea men are always ready for sex, while women are not as interested.

This myth adds unnecessary pressure on men to sexually perform at any given time, while diminishing women’s desires as secondary to men’s.

Solution: discuss when each of you prefers sex and take turns at initiating sex.

If your sex life has been blocked by TSDs or SMs, you’re missing out on the wonderful benefits of a healthy sex life throughout the lifespan of your relationship.

Edited extract from The 8 Love Links (Publish Central $34.95) by Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson. Shahn and Helen are Clinical Psychologists and couples therapists, as well as co-founders of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com

Originally published as The sex myths holding you back from greater intimacy and how to fix them