Woman bans MIL from touching her newborn unless she showers first

The mum-to-be claims she has good reason, but the internet isn't so sure and says she's being "obsessive."

The arrival of a new baby is supposed to be all about cuddles and cooing, but for one expectant mum, it's turning into a bit of a headache, thanks to her mother-in-law's smoking habit.

The soon-to-be mum shared her story with Slate's Care and Feeding advice column, explaining how she's worried about lingering smoke on her MIL's skin around her child, also known as 'thirdhand smoke'.

Her solution? Asking her MIL to shower and change every time she wants to hold the baby post-cigarette.

Now she wants to know, is this measure too extreme? And will the MIL get offended if she asks her to adhere to these rules?

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Image: IStock

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"How can we be welcoming while also setting boundaries?"

The mum writes: "I’m not worried about her smoking in front of my child, but after researching thirdhand smoke, I am very concerned about her holding the baby after she has had a cigarette. My husband and I have decided that after she smokes, she needs to shower and change her clothes before she can pick up the baby."

She then explains that she's finding it difficult to find the sweet spot between being welcoming and setting boundaries. "We don’t want my mother-in-law to feel ostracised, and we don’t want to hurt her feelings, but obviously, those are likely potential outcomes."

She concludes her post by asking, "How can we still be welcoming and let her know we are excited to have her around while still setting these boundaries? Also, how long should we remain this strict about the issue? How should we handle this when we are visiting my in-laws?"

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"Strikes me as extreme and obsessive"

Comments on the post have been mixed. Some feel like she's going overboard, while others suggested she seek medical advice.

One person wrote: "To insist on a full shower and complete change of clothes strikes me as extreme, obsessive and ultimately perhaps punitive." 

Others expressed concern about the impact such rules might have on the relationship between the MIL and the child. "If your goal is for your MIL to never see your kid, go ahead with this," another user mused.

Then someone else suggested, "Ask a pediatrician to weigh in on what the risk is and how to mitigate it."

In response to the woman's dilemma, advice columnist Carvell Wallace reassured the mum: "You are perfectly within your rights to ask for what you want; her response to that is her business, not yours.

"When she’s visiting you, I think you can be strict about this. When you are visiting them, I think you have to, for necessity’s sake, be less so. It’s not possible for them to clear all residual smoke and nicotine off of everything in their home. You may want to stay in a hotel for that reason.

"It’s important for her to know that you welcome her and love her as part of your family, so be sure to say in clear and explicit language that you welcome her and love her. Her hurt feelings may interfere with her ability to hear it, but that’s fine. She can just deal with it. With any luck, this will spur her to take a second look at her relationship with smoking and maybe even cause her to let go of something that is clearly standing in the way of being with her grandbaby."

For more information on thirdhand smoke around kids, see The Raising Children Network.

Originally published as Woman bans MIL from touching her newborn unless she showers first