Our twins didn't want to be separated at school: so here's what we did

"There were three very important people whose advice we needed before anything was decided," writes Aussie mum Karen.

When we had our twins, we were led to believe that there was a right way and a wrong way to do everything. We were made to feel like we had to make a parenting decision and then stick with it as there was no going back.

We could choose to dress them the same, or we could choose to dress them in different clothes. We could choose to sleep them together, or we could put them in their own cots.

We could decide to sleep-train them and set up a strict routine, or we could feed them on demand and let them lead the way. We could keep them together at school, or we could choose to separate them.

I’ve never liked the idea of being forced into decisions. Rather than choose option a) or b), I like creating a third, more flexible, option c).

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Our approach to twins starting school

Our kids were born in the UK. While we waited for our visa to move to Australia, we registered our boys to start at our local school. We put in a request for them to be separated as there were only two classes in their year group and they spent a lot of time playing together as part of a big group.

It felt like a perfect balance of giving them independence while giving them plenty of time together. Our Australia visas came through and our house sold quickly, so we were able to relocate countries before their first day rolled around. 

We arrived in Queensland and were able to find the perfect school for them to begin prep a few weeks later. This time, we asked for them to be in the same class.

We were in a brand-new country, where they only had a short time to make friends at kindy, so we felt it was important for them to have each other in class for support. So much had changed in our lives and we felt that keeping them together would give them some stability.

Prep was amazing, and they thrived being together and made so many friends. We didn’t feel there were any downsides to keeping them together. Towards the end of prep, we talked to our boys about what THEY wanted to happen next. 

They were desperate to remain together and got upset at the thought of separating. We asked the teachers if they could be kept together again and we talked about strategies for building their confidence with separate group work and seating plans which they fully supported. 

Source: Supplied

In year two, they were in separate classes

In year one, they had another great year together and by the end of it neither minded about being apart in year two, so we went ahead and asked for them to be put in separate classes.

I think I was more worried than they were as they moved to their own classrooms! I’d come to rely on them having one another and it was daunting knowing they’d be solo for the first time in their lives. 

We started year two by introducing the boys to one another’s teachers. This turned out to be a great idea as the teachers didn’t know they had a twin (and although they aren’t identical, we did sometimes have issues with teachers mixing them up around school!).

This also prepared the teachers so when the other twin turned up at their classroom with a half-eaten cupcake to share with their brother (as happened a few times!) they were understanding.

Karen's twin boys. Source: supplied

The next few years passed with them doing well on their own, but playing together at breaks and lunch. Then COVID struck and going back to school became unsettling for lots of kids. With one year of primary left, they begged to be back together again one last time.

We spoke to the teachers and they didn’t feel it would be an issue so they put them back together in year six. They had another brilliant year together (which included an amazing school trip where they made incredible memories together because they were in the same class group). 

As they moved up to high school (at their P-12 school), we decided to leave it to the teachers to decide on classes (although secretly we expected they’d be separated and prepared them for this).

The teachers decided to keep them together for the first year of high school to allow them to adjust to the new experience. I was really happy as I knew they’d look out for one another and help each other through the transition. 

Although they really wanted to stay together for year eight, they were grown up enough to know that they’d likely be mixed up for the rest of high school and they were happy to go with the flow.

They’re still the best of friends (although they are complete opposites in every way), and they share a great group of friends but also have their own interests. I think it’s likely they’ll be apart for the rest of high school as it’s a big school with a lot of classes to rotate through.

They’re also in different ability groups so they won’t find themselves together as classes divide, and they’ll probably select different subjects when that time comes too as they have different strengths and interests.

Source: supplied

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What is the right decision?

I don’t think there is a right or wrong decision when it comes to deciding when to separate your twins. You know your kids. You know what they need, and you can talk to them to see what they want (which I think is really important too!). 

The decision you make for their first year at school can change in line with what support they need through their school life. Things aren’t set in stone – you’re allowed to change your mind and make different decisions later.

I’ve loved how our flexible approach has worked out. I really appreciated having a school that supported our decisions. I don’t think every school is as flexible as ours, but finding a school that was twin-friendly was really important to us so we made sure we asked lots of questions at our prep interview to make sure we could have input in class decisions. 

Should you keep twins together or should you separate them at school? My answer is this: either and both!

Originally published as Our twins didn't want to be separated at school: so here's what we did